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you
on the morning of September 11 2001 19
men armed with box cutters directed by a
man on dialysis in a cave fortress
halfway around the world using a
satellite phone and a laptop directed
the most sophisticated penetration of
the most heavily defended air space in
the world overpowering the passengers in
the military combat trained pilots on
for commercial aircraft before flying
those planes wildly off course for over
an hour without being molested by a
single fighter interceptor these
nineteen hijackers devout religious
fundamentalists who liked to drink
alcohol snort cocaine and live with pink
haired strippers managed to knock down
three buildings with two planes in New
York while in Washington a pilot who
couldn't handle a single-engine Cessna
was able to fly a 757 in an 8,000 foot
descending 270 degree corkscrew turn to
come exactly level with the ground
hitting the Pentagon in the budget
analyst office where DoD staffers were
working on the mystery of the 2.3
trillion dollars the Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld had announced missing
from the Pentagon's coffers in a press
conference the day before on September
10th 2001 luckily the news anchors knew
who did it within minutes Osama bin
Laden the pundits knew within hours
Osama bin Laden the administration knew
within the day terrorists who committed
these acts and those who harbor them and
the evidence literally fell into the
FBI's lap that a hijackers passport was
found blocks from the World Trade Center
crash site if he can believe app but for
some reason a bunch of crazy conspiracy
theorists demanded an investigation is
the greatest attack on American soil in
history that investigation was delayed
underfunded set up to fail a conflict of
interest and a cover-up from start to
finish it was based on testimony
extracted through torture the records of
which were destroyed it failed to
mention the existence of WTC 7 able
danger p-tech sibel edmonds obl and the
CIA and the drills of hijacked aircraft
being flown into buildings that were
being simulated at the precise same time
that those events were actually
happening it was lied to by the Pentagon
the CIA the Bush administration and as
for Bush and Cheney well no one knows
what they told it because they testified
in secret off the record not under oath
and behind closed doors it didn't bother
to look at who funded the attacks
because that question is ultimately of
little practical significance still the
911 Commission did brilliantly answering
all of the questions the public had
except most of the victim's family
members questions and pin blame and all
the people responsible although no one
so much as lost their job determined
the attacks were failure of imagination
because obey our government at least and
I don't think the prior government that
could envision flying airplanes into
buildings except the Pentagon FEMA NORAD
and the NRO the DIA destroyed two point
five terabytes of data on able danger
but that's okay because it probably
wasn't important the SEC destroyed their
records on the investigation into the
insider trading before the attacks but
that's okay because destroying the
records of the largest investigation in
Sec history is just part of routine
record-keeping NIST is classified the
data that they used for their model of
WTC 7 s collapse but that's okay because
knowing how they made their model of the
collapse would jeopardize Public Safety
the FBI has argued that all material
related to their investigation of 911
should be kept secret from the public
but that's okay because the FBI probably
has nothing to hide this man never
existed nor is anything he had to say
worthy of your attention and if you say
otherwise you are a paranoid conspiracy
theorist and deserve to be shunned by
all of humanity likewise him him him and
her and her and her and him Osama bin
Laden lived in a cave fortress in the
hills of Afghanistan but somehow got
away then he was hiding out in Tora Bora
but somehow got away then he lived in
Abbottabad for years taunting the most
comprehensive intelligence dragnet
employing the most sophisticated
technology in the history of the world
for a decade releasing video after video
with complete impunity and getting
younger and younger as he did so before
finally being found in a daring SEAL
team raid which wasn't recorded on video
in which he didn't resist or uses wife
as a human shield and in which these
crack Special Forces operatives panicked
and killed this unarmed man supposedly
the best source of intelligence about
those dastardly terrorists on the entire
planet then they dumped his body in the
ocean before telling anyone about it
then a couple dozen of that teams
members died in a helicopter crash in
Afghanistan this is the story of 911
brought to you by the media which told
you the hard truths about hip could be
seen to move violently forward and they
took the babies I think it is and mobile
production facilities and the rescue of
Jessica Lynch if you have any questions
about this story you are a batshit
paranoid tin foil dog abusing baby hater
and will be reviled by everyone if you
love your country and or freedom
happiness rainbows rock and roll puppy
dogs apple pie and your grandma you will
never ever express doubts about any part
of this story to anyone
this has been a public service
announcement by the Friends of the FBI
CIA NSA dia SEC MSM White House NIST in
the 911 Commission because ignorance is
strength

Good god...
So we open up at Isla Nublar, and a team of idiots are trying to collect a sample of the now dead
Indominus rex, that was dragged into the den of the Mosasaurus.
(You remember that right guys? Yeah? Okay good.)
They open up a door that connects the Mosasaurus den to the ocean?
Somehow?
Wasn't the whole point of that enclosure NOT to be connected to the ocean?
Have you retconned it so that something can now escape, movie?
That's a not so "Clever girl".
In the little bathysphere exploring the den,
we have one of the two men explicitly state that "everything here is long dead".
We know that these guys work for the bad guy in the film. And the plan for the bad guy is to retrieve
eleven different species, or something, on the island?
So they DO indeed know that things actually live here,
making the line utterly retarded.
And well, the Mosasaurus IS still in there, and it eats them. No, I'm not kidding, it just eats them.
But before that happened they were able to quickly find the corpse of the Indominus rex,
and a bone was successfully sawn off for retrieval.
Imagine, if they had taken it up with them on the pod, that bone would have been lost.
Lucky!
Meanwhile, the guy operating the door that connects the den to the ocean, gets attacked by a T. rex
that popped up just in time. And as a result,
his iPad was only half loading the door closing? And being crushed prevents it from closing the door now?
Why wouldn't it be binary? You hit close and the door closes.
Why do you need a constant connection to the iPad?
A system like that sounds incredibly unsafe and downright ineffective.
Proven by the fact that the Mosasaurus actually escapes.
So... um... yeah.
Oh and the guy with the iPad died as well.
Because for some reason his headset didn't allow him to talk to people on the helicopter.
You know, his team. They had to try and shout to him that there was a T. rex
standing behind him, and so he was too late and he got finished off by the Mosasaurus.
(sigh) What is even happening here?
How far after the first film are? Who are these people? What the hell are they doing?
This is a nonsensical attempt at retrieving a sample. Why do it at night? Why do you have so few people?
Why do you have no precautions? Why do you believe everything is dead?
They have the tech to open up the gate,
so they should know a hell of a lot more about this island than they clearly fucking do.
Could you not SCAN for the Mosasaurus?
It can't hide, the motherfucker is enormous, and the pen is actually limited.
(It's okay, we got to see a guy get eaten. It was so cool. Let's move on.)
We then get an expositional news report that basically says there's a volcano,
active on the island. It was there the whole time and now it's about to erupt.
So everyone's arguing over whether or not the dinosaurs should be saved.
I find it ridiculous that everyone on earth has apparently left this island alone aside from activists up to this point.
But apparently that is the case? These things are worth millions.
They are one-of-a-kind, they are unguarded, they are perfect for the black market.
Nobody apparently gives a shit, and only activists are interested in them.
D'ohkay!
We then get to catch up with Dr. Ian Malcolm,
and you should remember him because he starred in the other Jurassic films.
(Jeff Goldblum laugh)
"No."
Not to mention that they made sure to remind you that he was absolutely gonna be in this film. He is back!
"There are incredible new dinosaurs, an exploding volcano, and Dr. Ian Malcolm's back!"
"Taiwan! This is...
Dr. Malcolm."
"Jeff Goldblum, not gonna lie, that's pretty awesome."
"There are terrifying new dinosaurs, an exploding island, and Jeff Goldblum's back!"
"Hello everybody I'm Jeff Goldblum, and gee um um I'm so um thrilled to be back as Dr. Ian Malcolm."
So I can't wait to see his involvement with the story. Let's let's check out his first scene, shall we?
Malcolm argues that we shouldn't save the dinosaurs as they are incredibly dangerous,
thus people begin to call him a "murderer" in the crowd.
This is priceless considering the history of this continuity,
and what happens when they end up trying to get these things over to civilized society.
But fuck it, they don't remember apparently, which means he's a "murderer".
And that's the end of the scene! Looking forward to him popping back, really am.
So then we see... ahh... what's her name? Annoying, robotic lady who outran a T.rex in heels?
Can I call her Heels? I'm calling her Heels.
Heels, since we last saw her, has set up some kind of organization where she tries to rescue the dinosaurs.
Or, at least push the idea that they should be rescued?
Her opening dialogue is about how she is trying to get funding.
Which raises the question of: How do they generate money to even have what they have now?
How can they make a difference when they aren't visiting or supporting the island whatsoever?
Why are so many people working for them with nothing to do and no way to be paid?
There's like 20 of these fuckers, why?
What do you even do? Ring senators and maintain a fucking website for three years?
Why are you putting this much effort into saving dinosaurs anyway?
Those things are dangerous (if you didn't catch the memo).
The motivation for this entire organization, as stated by the film,
is Heels explaining that we shouldn't allow a world where our children could grow up without dinosaurs.
Which... err...
Kids can look at the damn pictures in a book like I did, for fuck's sake.
Children get amazed by car keys, we don't need dinosaurs just for them.
Make a better argument.
Let's not risk several lives here for no reas-
Oh god damn it.
You know what? Why are all the dinosaurs inexplicably isolated on this island anyway?
How haven't the pterodactyls escaped like the ones from the third film and the fourth film?
I find it unbelievable that the island has been untouched for three fucking years,
when we have so many factions that would kill to get their hands on them.
And they have shown that people can get here outside of the law, easily, to get involved with DINOSAURS.
And I feel like a fucking alien in this world, because there is such a thing as Site B!
Remember Isla Sorna? It was the island of choice in The Lost World & Jurassic Park 3?
An island with a shit ton of dinosaurs all roaming free?
Does anyone want to talk about that one? Are people going to poach from that one?
Are there rights to discuss about the dinosaurs on that island?
Everyone in this film keeps saying that if Isla Nublar is destroyed then the dinosaurs go extinct,
but that simply isn't true!
you have strong references to the classic film. You have Dr. Ian-fucking-Malcolm.
Enjoy the benefits you get by referencing these fan favorite elements.
But if you're gonna do that,
you can't ignore your own continuity, you silly bastards.
But yeah, worldbuilding isn't a thing films like to do these days. They don't even try. So fuck it.
I mean, in fairness, people believe that you shouldn't consider the second and third films to be canon,
and that there is promotional material to explain that they moved all the dinosaurs from Site B to A.
This just adds WAY more universal questions to the movies, but I'm cutting that shit at the roots.
It should ABSOLUTELY have been mentioned in the films.
So it ain't good writing, folks.
Heels is then called by Benjamin Lockwood, John Hammond's ex-partner that helped clone dinosaurs.
He was apparently some kind of right-hand man to Hammond,
and they broke up before the events of Jurassic Park.
Oh, you don't remember him? From the other films? Well, it's because he doesn't fucking exist.
He's a 'discount John Hammond' to make this seem like it actually fits in with the story of the first film.
(It doesn't.)
They even bait our sense of nostalgia with a painting of Hammond himself.
It's not gonna work, film. You actually... need to be good first.
Also, there is a little girl in the mansion. She will matter at some point. Remember her.
Anyway, Discount Hammond says that Heels should go and save all the dinosaurs from Isla Nublar.
She can bring them to a new piece of land they have created,
and they can be protected and live and whatever.
His main statement is: "These creatures don't need our protection, they need our absence."
Spoken unironically as he explains the plan to abduct them, monitor them,
and deliver them to this piece of land that is surrounded by barriers.
Since they will die without human intervention and protection. Dumbass.
And let's not forget by the way that the quote he is referencing from Hammond in this scene,
is from The Lost World:
"These creatures, require our absence to survive, not our help."
How's that for erasing the second and third films from continuity? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Apparently they need Heels and her crew because this whole thing is illegal,
and her access will get them to the scanner that shows where all the dinosaurs are.
It then turns out there's some young dude who works for Discount Hammond.
He is the one who will organize everything for him these days, and if you saw the trailer,
we already know he's evil.
So 'Bad Guy' then says that she needs to bring in Star-Lord, since he's the only one that can capture Blue.
And Blue is the super important dino that they absolutely must capture...
apparently.
So she agrees to the expedition and goes to convince Star-Lord to come. The main argument
she uses on him is how much he cares about Blue, commenting on how Blue is practically his kid.
Obviously the fact that he's been building a cabin for three years
means he is TOTALLY desperate to get back to his surrogate child.
He hasn't completely forgotten about the love he shares for the overgrown, feral chicken that betrayed him twice.
And thankfully Star-Lord pretty much says he's not interested, and neither should she be.
but Heels tells him he's a "good man".
So all we can draw from this is that apparently
Star-Lord and Heels broke up after they got together from the last film,
which was after they broke up and after they got together originally,
leading them to get together in this film.
But, duh, what the fuck ever.
The writers think it's cute to keep tearing them apart and slamming them back together,
so we're gonna have to watch another film of that, I guess.
So that night, Star-Lord checks out some old recordings of him and Blue bonding
when she was a puppy dinosaur, and it's adorable.
The point is that he's coming too, 'cause why the fuck not.
We then get two new characters along with the ones we already have.
'Tech Guy' (who is good with tech) and 'Biology Girl' (who is good with biology on dinosaurs,
despite never having seen a dinosaur in real life?).
The film points this out, as if it totally makes sense.
Um... okay?
They eventually arrive at Isla Nublar and we find that there is already a huge set of foot soldiers here.
Teams of people preparing for the dino capturing, basically The Lost World again.
And and I'm gonna pause here. I'm not mad, okay? I'm not mad. Let's just think about this a little bit more.
The island is filled with dinosaurs. There's no protection on it, since people can just roll up illegally
without being stopped, and these guys are the only faction that tried to take a dinosaur?
You're telling me that people are going to end up shelling out millions by the end of this film to buy these things,
upwards of $30 million for a single dinosaur,
and none of them care about getting as many as they want, of any species, for free in the last three years?
This is public knowledge, it was a massive worldwide park.
Its shutdown would have been a major story throughout the world.
Could you imagine how many poachers or pirates would try for this shit? There could be a full-on industry.
Hell, that is the point the film is making at the end, that you could set yourself up for life
by selling just ONE of them. It should be easy, since some of them escaped already, remember?
(Ah, fuck it. Turn your brain off, we're having fun.)
Our team of heroes is joined by 'Buffalo Bill', who will play the evil hunter for this film.
First thing they do is ripoff Jurassic Park. Because, I mean, what else can happen in these films
outside of the scene where they all look surprised by the Brachiosaurus walking past?
(We've got to get that one in don't we, folks?)
Next, Buffalo Bill takes them to a base to activate a tracking system, that has to be
activated by Heels, and no one else. And it lights up all the dinosaurs on the island.
Heels and Tech Guy stay in the station, and the rest go to capture Blue, while the
troops all capture dinosaurs across the island. They eventually reach Blue, and Star-Lord calms her down.
But one of the troops fires a tranq a little too early.
(I don't know why. The troops are evil so that's probably enough for him to do it, I suppose.)
Blue kind of flips out because of this and tries to eat one of the troops,
so they shoot her with a single pistol shot and she's down.
Now TRY and follow me on this 'cause the film starts to lose its shit:
As a result of what just happened, Star-Lord charges Buffalo Bill, and Bill shoots him with a sedative.
Which then leads to 'Biology Person' pulling a gun on Bill, and she says if they shoot her, she can't save Blue.
And so they make a deal to let her live in exchange for saving the raptor's life.
So they all leave to evacuate the island, with Blue and the dinosaurs, leaving Star-Lord behind,
knocked out on the ground.
I'm sorry, I cannot resist...
What the fuck?!
The good guys are blown away by the fact that the troopers just shot a fucking dinosaur,
when she was in the process of killing a man.
Since when do we value the lives of dinosaurs over the people in this expedition?
Why is it unreasonable to shoot a dinosaur that's eating your face?
The good guys are AGAIN blown away by Buffalo Bill then shooting Star-Lord with a tranq,
when it's absolutely reasonable. I probably would've done the same thing if I was holding a
tranquilizer rifle and a muscle built, angry man was charging at me.
But no, this makes him reprehensible now.
Thirdly, we have the biology asshole pulling a gun on Bill because what? He defended himself?
She's taking a strong forward step to defend someone she doesn't even know here.
Like why does she care so much about Star-Lord? Better yet, why doesn't she care about him at all seconds later?
Think about this, for fuck's sake:
'Biology Asshole' decides to threaten Bill's life for the sole reason that her friend was shot with a tranq.
Buffalo Bill looks pretty confused, and then he says: "Well you're outgunned".
I'm not kidding. The biology person just picks up the gun and demands not to be killed,
when they didn't even have guns on her in the first place.
Is there dialogue missing here? I know the troops are evil. The trailer makes it very clear.
"It was all a LIE!"
But you could have had a better reason for the 'turn' than this nonsense.
On top of it, we have Biology Girl just agreeing to leave Star-Lord behind.
Why not demand that he's taken with you? Otherwise you won't save the raptor?
Why are you leaving him to die? Do you not care?
Oh is this so we can have that funny scene where he moves his arms, one by one, to escape the lava?
Ha haooooo...
It's annoying to think that this entire scenario was created
because one of the troopers fired too early with his tranq gun.
Other than that, everything is to plan from the perspective of the good guys.
Like I said, the film treats it like one faction betrays the other here, which they actually do a little bit later,
but they haven't done it yet. All I can see here is the troops protecting themselves and their own men.
Why was the trooper too early anyway?
What exactly was Star-Lord going to do in this scenario that would've made tranquilizing Blue
more reasonable in a minute from now?
And should I even bother mentioning that putting a man down with a tranq meant for a dinosaur
should probably have some repercussions? Like I don't know, I imagine it would kill him?
Instead, he just wakes up about 10 minutes later.
(sigh)
Anyway, the troops then head into the beach to try and evacuate the animals,
but because 'betrayal' is now in effect,
they lock Heels and Tech Guy into the station that monitors the dinosaurs, in an attempt to kill them?
Meaning that they definitively want to KILL the four good guys now.
So, why didn't they execute Star-Lord?
(God damn it, stop punishing me for thinking.)
So Bill calls Bad Guy and they talk about how innumerably important Blue is,
and he will get a bonus for it.
This is important for later.
Meanwhile Tech Guy and Heels begin to see lava pouring into the station,
and I guess that's how the bad guys expected them to die there?
That's just silly...
But the Tech Guy almost easily hacks a door open,
which the bad guys should have known about because he did it right in front of them earlier, and he even
insulted them for assuming he couldn't do it. So why was this the plan to kill them instead of shooting them?
That's really fucking silly...
Tech Guy then hacks the terminal and opens up this random, ridiculously long tube that leads outside.
Instead of them using the ladder to go up immediately, or opening the front door, they open a giant tube.
That's just fucking silly, why the big tube for fuck's sake?
Unluckily for them,
the moment they open this giant tube, a random dinosaur just happens to walk in the other end.
He's big enough to be a massive threat, but small enough, of course, to fit in the tube and the room.
Why not? It's not like THAT would be fucking silly...
So the creature gets in, but the lava falling in through the ceiling protects our heroes
as they climb up the ladder to safety.
And my god, fuck off, you stupid scene.
The volcano is now erupting violently, and once they get atop the facility,
Heels and 'Tech Man' bump right into Star-Lord as he's running from the lava.
Well gee, isn't that lucky?
I wonder if he'll end up saving them...
They run together until they bump right into one of the old gyrosphere things.
Gee, that's just such gosh, darn luck!
But they can't get into it right away. So they decide to hide behind a log,
and I shit you not,
the dinosaurs begin to slowly chop away at it, piece by piece from either side,
reducing it down to a nub. Instead of just going through the center straightaway.
It's so laughably done, I'm just reminded of "Kill Bill".
"Go home to your mother!"
So there's a few dinosaur fights, explosions and screaming that leads to our group falling into the ocean,
right before the volcano catches up and... yeah, Star-Lord gets engulfed by volcanic smoke.
I I don't science, so if he should be dead here then... I mean... cool. But I, you know, I don't know. It looks cool.
That's obviously what they were going for.
And then we get the scene where the submerged ball is sinking slowly and filling with water.
It's mostly a single shot panning around with loads of interaction from the creatures, the eruption
and Star-Lord swimming around as he looks for a way to get them out.
(Um, yeah. It was pretty awesome... Goddamn. My cold, dead heart just had to beat there, didn't it?)
So they make it to shore and Star-Lord explains that it was a double-cross.
He doesn't go into any detail about it,
because there is nothing that they were doing that wasn't a part of the plan.
So I'm just confused FOR our characters. Heels even shouts that "It was all a lie",
which isn't something she can say yet because, like I said, everything is going to plan.
The rescue of these dinosaurs is still in effect.
What's the lie exactly, ya twat?
I understand that they tried to kill you here, but I feel like this dialogue is only present
because the movie one to just go along with the bad guys being bad guys,
from the audience and character perspective, when we haven't even heard from the auction yet.
We we don't know anything about it.
(And by the way, we're almost halfway through the film.)
This is practically an admission that if not for the one trigger-happy guy earlier,
everything would be running as if there were no bad guys.
Please get your plot together, film. What the fuck ya doing?
We then see Buffalo Bill yank a tooth right out of the jaw of a herbivore.
This is incredibly important because the third act rests on this point. No, I'm not fucking kidding.
This guy's 'teeth collecting' habit will define the finale for this film.
So please remember it.
Heels then declares that the only reason they had all of the good guys come was to capture Blue.
All of them were for that purpose and nothing else.
Hmm...
Anyway, the troops all leave the island on the boat
and our heroes are right behind them; in what is a wonderfully, summer, action blockbuster scene.
They bump into a vacant truck and use it to drive off the edge of the dock, and land on the ship.
Incredible!
Should I point out how stupid it is that it was left that close to the ship, instead of used by the other people?
Especially when there was apparently a space for it? And that space ends up being perfect for our heroes.
Not to mention that no one seems to care to check who was driving that truck,
since all of the troopers are supposed to assume these guys are dead.
But whatever, Heels puts a hat on so it's fucking fine apparently.
Soon after that, there's this really well shot, but utterly cheesy moment, where a
Brachiosaurus is standing at the dock, staring at the ship leave, while making complainy sounds.
The smoke engulfs it and I think we're supposed to cry, most of the people on the ship do,
but why is there only one dinosaur on this dock? Where the hordes?
Why does it look at the boat like it'll save him when he can't possibly understand what it even is?
And it's just so bizarre that they built the park next to this volcano.
I suppose it was dormant at the time so that makes sense...
(sigh) It's just so sad. Heels cried. She she cries a lot.
The Bad Guy that meets up with Arnim Zola. He's in the film to play the evil auctioneer,
and now the audience finds out what the nefarious purpose behind all of the troopers was.
They are capturing dinosaurs to sell them on the black market, to make millions.
Meaning this scene should have been edited in well before the Blue scene,
because... it would actually make this a lot easier to follow, but whatever.
Bad Guy pitches Zola that he can sell the dinosaurs to the military, because why not.
They try this stupid bullshit before, remember that?
"These animals can replace thousands of boots on the ground, how many lives would that save?"
"War is part of nature."
(screaming)
The film was criticized for this, but they doubled down for the sequel.
Laughably, there's an attempt to justify it, as if the writers are talking to the critics,
by bringing up how humans have used animals in combat throughout history.
The examples are:
horses (which, yes but we have vehicles now, dumbass),
elephants (which, yes but we have tanks now, dumbass)
and finally, diseased rats.
He references the use of diseased rats during war to explain why we should pick up using dinosaurs in war.
For Christ's sake.
You know what? I'm gonna come back to that.
He goes on to say that the Indominus rex took down the entirety of Jurassic World, alone.
It's an incredible weapon and a great basis for the new creatures,
while basically pointing to the bone from the beginning.
But the security system, and well, the plot of that film, is utter horseshit.
I might make a video for it at some point, but until then, you can always watch Wolf eviscerate it instead.
Yeah, I know. He's absolutely the worst thing on the planet, I know, but Jurassic World is even worse.
[Wolf has since closed his channel]
So anyway, they have apparently created a brand new dinosaur to rival the Indominus rex, called the Indoraptor.
It's the Indominus rex, but smaller, and without the ability to camouflage,
or the ability to be undetectable thermally.
Also, it has a yellow stripe. How is this an improvement?
Well, he goes on to say that thanks to Star-Lord's research, it follows human commands.
I can't wait to see how they're gonna explain that fucking nonsense.
Anyway, the little girl overheard the whole conversation, and she decides to share it with Discount Hammond.
But we get the fucking "not now, kiddo" trope, where he tells her to go to bed because she's too young to be up.
Despite the fact that she is telling him directly that his
inheritor is going to auction off the dinosaurs, and betray his entire life's work.
Despite the fact that she is THAT specific and direct about it, he says: "Oh, you must have misheard them".
(sigh)
He then moves on to say that he'll listen to her in the morning, not now.
(Which if you've seen any other film before, you know that means he's already dead.)
So we cut back to the ship and our heroes find that Blue is bleeding to death. Still, from that gunshot.
You know the one from hours ago? Yeah, Blue is still alive despite "hemorrhaging" since the shot.
That's the word the film uses by the way, not me.
How do you survive hemorrhaging for hours when you're a fucking velociraptor? That's just fu-
So Star-Lord then declares to all the characters that this whole thing is for an auction.
I don't know how he found this out.
I think there's a scene that's been cut, because... he like didn't ask a random soldier or hear a conversation.
They treated as though he watched the scene with Zola like we did.
Either way, he knows know. Whatever.
So I have to ask the bad guy something here in relation to what we saw earlier:
If the reveal is going to be that the animals are being auctioned off instead of saved
(which will turn the good guys against you,
and they can only find out about this as early as being well into the boat ride),
then you could have had the good guys helping you all the way up to now.
You could easily have maintained the lie.
In fact, the good guys are risking their lives to save a dinosaur, despite knowing the truth right now.
A dinosaur that you want alive to get more money for. So why not play it cool and capture them, or kill them,
once they find out the truth? Instead of betraying them as early as the moment you downed Blue?
As far as they knew, you were still helping them, for fuck's sake.
It's such a bizarre circumstance.
The tranq dart they shot into Star-Lord could easily have been shaken off as a misunderstanding.
Like, funnily enough, when it happens in Jurassic Park 3?
They knock out Grant and it's just treated as fine,
because that's something humans do do when you get angry.
But no, the bad guys are just retarded. Yet the story is still working out for them.
Obviously once we get to Act 3 that won't be the case.
Anyway, they need to get a transfusion for Blue since she's bleeding out, still.
and then there's there's some dialogue that actually happens that...
This is this is dialogue from the film, okay?
Biology Girl says: "You have to get a carnivore (because only carnival blood will work),
and it has to be one with two or three fingers".
Why?
Is it because those requirements means that the subject has to be the T.rex?
If we ignore the fact that they clearly wrote this to involve the T. rex in a fan service-y way,
how in the world does the T. rex blood work on a Velociraptor exactly?
Wouldn't the raptor's blood reject the shit out of that? Since they're completely different species?
Phhoar! This whole film is so well written...
So Biology Girl sends them to go get the blood. They open up the cage of the T. rex
and fumble around it for a while, until they get to sap the blood out into the bag,
and there's this tension-filled moment where the dinosaur breaks free of its leg chain?
It nearly eats Star-Lord after roaring its lungs out,
but then they successfully get out, with the blood, and walk back and save Blue.
Well, well, what the fuck...
Why are they no stationed guards on the Tyranno-fucking-saurus rex?
Seems like the one that's most dangerous, so you might wanna have someone keeping an eye on it,
you idiots.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
I guess it's chains could be broken open!
Come to think of it, why is it so easy to do that, when the cage is designed for a goddamn T. rex?
Do they not need to repair that now? Is it going to escape?
It's all tied up later so I don't... how does this shit work?
Like why was no one alerted so the fucking roars and destruction of the cage,
not to mention the chains being broken and the screams from Heels.
Some guys literally went past one minute before, and they don't hear all of this? Come on.
Also, how the fuck did she know how to do this to a T.rex? To sap blood out of it?
Oh wait, I know why.
'Biology Lady' asks If anyone can find a vein, and I shit you not, Heels says this:
"Oh!"
"Oh! Okay!"
"Well that makes it okay then!"
Since fucking WHEN was that a thing?
She just did a blood drive with the Red Cross at some point,
and found someone's vein, which now leads her to be able to get blood from a Tyrannosaurus rex.
What is... what happened to the script?
We then cut to the little girl breaking into the underground lab below the mansion
(No, I don't know what the hell she's doing here, let's find out).
She walks into a random room and just, you know,
sits at a chair and goes to computer and hits the spacebar on a video.
I... okay?
Apparently someone left it on, and that's the thing she wanted to do.
Lucky there's no security or workers around, aye?
Like, I don't know, the specific worker who left this on screen? Eh, fuck it.
The video showed that the raptors would attack Star-Lord if ever he showed himself to be weak,
while Blue would nurture him. Blue is morally and empathetically superior to the other raptors.
Which is kinda bullshit considering the previous movie,
but this is here to set up Blue as the superhero of the franchise, so just fucking go with it.
And it's lucky that the little girl and the audience saw this video, because without that
it would be very difficult to accept Blue as a superhero later on.
But it doesn't stop there, the little girl discovers Dr. Wu!
(Remember him from the last one? Yeah, neither do I.)
Well he's been working on this project and it is revealed that he wants Blue,
because she can imprint on the next Indoraptor; providing it "empathy and obedience".
Do they realize that Blue is not fucking empathetic or obedient when it comes to the people she eats?
Yes, she likes Star-Lord, but let's assume that's fucked because of THIS fiasco,
Not to mention the surgery that Blue wailed and cried through. I doubt she's gonna trust anyone anymore.
What is it you hope to achieve here?
Have the new thing look at Blue as a mother, so it'll listen to you?
Every plan you ever come up with for control ends in a fucking mess
and yet you constantly assume you got it THIS time.
Oh... oh god, that's the theme isn't it?
"Man creates that which it cannot hope to control".
People are gonna justify the writing with the themes again!
Noooooo!
So then the little girl is caught by Bad Guy and locked in her room.
Meanwhile, our heroes wake up and see that they are running out of time, before reaching port.
Tech Guy gets pulled away to help a sailor move rope?
This is very random at first, but it will become incredibly important without a lick of sense behind it later.
So remember that.
They move all the dinosaurs from the ship onto a convoy,
our heroes join the convoy in a truck, and move with it.
Discount Hammond has a meeting with Bad Guy. Apparently he now knows for a fact what he's done.
(I'm gonna go ahead and hazard a guess that his butler told him)
He says what's happening is wrong,
and that he will DEFINITELY call the police if he wasn't so old, frail and near death.
So he asks Bad Guy to just do it for him? So instead, Bad Guy just kills him.
He um... he says his motivation is making money... and then he just kills him.
(sigh)
Just scraping the bottom of the barrel for narrative progression here, aren't we?
He also has the iconic walking stick smashed in this scene, and no I'm not making any jokes about
how it represents the Jurassic franchise, since that shit was dead from the second and third films alone.
Fucking ringtone dinosaur's stupid...
Our heroes are then spotted and captured by Buffalo Bill, moments before they can make an escape.
It's actually kind of lame, not unrealistic, just lame.
[They didn't] consider running when they were at the dock?
Or separating from the convoy at all, at some other point?
Hell, they could even have had Heels jump out into the forest, but nah...
They just waited for an off-road to get to a town, and wouldn't you know it,
right before they could, Bill captured them.
The dinosaurs are then taken down into the basement of the research center and locked up,
as is the same for Star-Lord and Heels.
The villain is then given his opportunity to share his motivation in full, explaining what his purpose here is.
And it's fucking laughable.
He explains that he wants to exploit the animals for money,
just like Heels did all those years ago by signing off on the Indominus rex.
So you see? They are no different. And I shit you not, she is stunned by this. She has no argument for him.
But since I do this shit for a living,
let me help you Heels, ya fucking tool.
Heels considers her actions in Jurassic World to now be morally wrong,
and has since tried to rectify them by creating her dumbass help center for dinosaurs
(that they don't have access to).
However stupid it may be, this means she thinks that you are doing something wrong,
and that she's made this mistake before.
Secondly, Bad Guy lied to everyone involved outside of the mercenaries.
He lied to get the specialists to come, and he lied to Discount Hammond to fund everything.
Heels didn't lie to anyone when she signed for the Indominus rex.
Thirdly, it was a product she helped create and sell on a legal market.
The public understood what they were buying, as did those who were developing it.
Bad Guy is doing this ILLEGALLY with an attempt to run it through the black market instead.
Finally, Bad Guy is willing to have people kidnapped and killed to complete his vision,
while Heels canceled the entire thing once a single life was threatened.
You two are very fucking far away from each other in terms of characters,
but Heels is too retarded to understand that.
This is such a weak effort to make the villain understandable. Please try... a little harder next time.
Also bad guy says that Star-Lord failed to realize how he could have sold his work.
Which still doesn't make sense, since all he did was feed raptors and hang around as they grew up.
This is apparently 'revolutionary' in making the dinosaurs something obedient,
despite the fact that they actively tried to murder him.
So the conversation ends with Bad Guy saying that as far as the world is concerned,
Star-Lord and Heels both burned up on the island.
But... he doesn't kill them.
He just keeps them in prison... for no fucking reason at all.
Brilliant.
So anyway, the little girl escapes her room and finds Discount Hammond has died.
So she goes down the dumbwaiter before anyone can find her.
Meanwhile, the bad guy and Zola welcome the buyers to the auction.
Lucky for our heroes, they discover that there is a Stygimoloch in the cell next to theirs.
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
What? Is that seriously in the promotional stuff?
"We have a Stygimoloch..."
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
Ugh, whatever. So it's like a video game,
Star-Lord can just whistle and the thing will attack the wall he is near,
thus releasing both the dinosaur and our heroes from their cells. It's that fucking easy, folks!
Why didn't you just kill them, Bad Guy? Was it because they can escape and fuck everything up?
We then see the auction is in full effect, and the assets are being sold for millions. Wait millions?
I honestly would expect these things to sell for a hell of a lot more,
considering every aspect of what they represent and how difficult they are to acquire, but there we are.
Not gonna focus on that, I'm not a dinosaur salesman, just a YouTube scientist.
So the dinosaurs are sold,
and some are transported immediately with the black market person who bought them
(sure to return in a sequel).
Meanwhile our heroes bump into the little girl and try to escape with her.
She went down to the basement for some reason, I don't know.
Then the auction is introduced to the Indoraptor.
It's given massive praise and the audience goes wild trying to buy it.
Our heroes witness it, and decide that they can't let it leave the area. They have to stop it.
The Indoraptor, of which I shall simply call Yellow
because of the goofy strip they gave it to oppose Blue (very clever, film), is revealed to have a
lasing target system that allows it to... hang on.
They have a gun, it shoots a laser, the laser... has to target something and then they hit a button,
and it makes it so that the Indoraptor goes insane and tries to kill whatever that laser was pointing at.
So THIS is going to have military applications? THIS is what you consider to be following human commands?
All right, what the fuck...
They said Star-Lord's research has helped them figure out controlling this thing.
"It responds to human commands".
How is it that you managed to convert some research,
like a random fucking guy feeding puppy-like creatures bits of meat,
into laser technology that can render a hyper-intelligent raptor into a fucking house cat?
How the fuck does that work?
I love how this thing's potency is explained by it coming from the bone of the fucking Indominus rex,
and that thing managed to destroy Jurassic World, remember?
Except it escaped because some fucking idiot opened a door,
because everyone walked inside its fucking paddock
before checking its goddamn tracker! Fuck you!
The Indominus rex was just lucky in that film. It even got killed by a T.rex.
And don't forget the pterodactyl bit, with the fucking helicopter (oh my god that movie sucked).
The point here, is you need to give up the militarization bullshit. It is so cartoony and stupid.
Dinosaurs are knocked out with as much as one fucking bullet, as shown in this film.
They would be shit in a war.
Dinosaurs need to be fed, sheltered, groomed and rested. They are massive creatures with massive needs.
They would be shit in a war.
Dinosaurs need to be able to actually tell the difference between civilians and enemies.
I guess that feeding them from birth will make it so they never attack their own team, like Blue does.
Fuck off, that's stupid.
They would be shit... in a war.
Dinosaurs are weak to gas, wonky terrain, explosives, enemy shrapnel... They're also huge targets.
They would be shit, in a war!
What the hell are they gonna do against a shotgun? Run up to a guy and fucking hope he doesn't fire?
They, would be shit, in a war!
Don't try and justify it by referencing the fact that Soviets once used diseased rats.
How the fuck is that the same thing, you donkey?
(Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to turn my brain off? That's how you enjoy bad films, right?)
So Star-Lord decides that in order to prevent the Indoraptor from leaving the area,
he will unleash the Stygimoloch onto the crowd,
while he stops the Indoraptor from being provided to the customer.
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
Fuck off, you completely idiotic cretins. How do you not foresee this incredibly stupid decision for what it is?
Releasing that dinosaur will kill many people. Why are you doing it?
Oh right, to prevent a different dinosaur from being released resulting in killing people,
when it was already caged. For fuck's sake.
Lo and behold the Stygimoloch starts arbitrarily killing people.
Several are impaled, while other's backs are simply broken.
While this is happening, Star-Lord starts to dominate all of the enemy soldiers in a fight.
Why? Well, he's been retired for three years, and an animal trainer for several years before that.
But, he was in the Navy at some point,
so that means he can beat all of these armored, armed and trained fucking guards.
He seriously wipes through five of them and achieves his goal of making Yellow stay in the room,
while many of the customers have just been killed in the background.
So Buffalo Bill shows up. He's demanding his pay for the capture of the animals
and he's interested in how crowds of people are fleeing in terror from the building.
We also see the Stygimoloch run away (so there's another loose end for you).
But Yellow is still confined to a cage so... everything's okay, right? There's no threatening bad guy in this film.
Well, Bill goes into the room (and I'm not fucking kidding here),
he hits Yellow with two tranq darts and walks into its cage,
while leaving the fucking cage door open, and goes to try and get a tooth.
Why the fuck would he do that?
This is so beyond stupid. Fuck you, film.
Fuck you for not having any faith in your audience's brains.
You couldn't even TRY to write something better than that?
To release the movie monster, every goddamn time in these films, it's always some STUPID reason.
The whole point about this is being unable to control life.
Life, that through chaos, finds a way to escape the bonds we put on it in the first place.
Why is it that the first film is the only one that actually manages to send this message?
The rest of them just throw their fucking hands up in the air and say:
"Well, I dunno. The T.rex just killed everyone on board somehow".
Or: "They all walked into the enclosure
because they were fucking curious about the deadliest predator on the planet".
Or: "Some stupid asshole has a teeth collection". Fuck you.
So the raptor wakes up and eats Bill (shocking). From there, it turns out that Zola hasn't actually left the room,
and decides that now is his opportunity to run.
What the fuck have you been doing this whole time, you absolute wanker?
he gets into the elevator and closes it before Yellow can reach him,
but Yellow accidentally breaks the elevator button... and it just opens up the door, resulting in Zola's death.
(sigh) We need to have a chat about merciless killings, film.
Also, need I remind you... that we are now in a position, where the genetically modified dinosaur,
is the one that's going to be killing people, again.
And who's gonna stop it? Well, it's gonna be the same people again!
Whoo-hoo.
So then we have this utterly fucking bizarre scene where our heroes bump into the bad guy,
and he just explains to our heroes (and the audience) that the little girl... is a fucking clone.
She is a clone!
Apparently Discount Hammond made a clone of his daughter, because she died in a car crash,
and the little girl is that clone. Actual Hammond broke off their partnership because of that,
and I find myself asking:
"Oh my god, who the hell cares?"
We barely fucking knew this girl. We don't know Discount Hammond at all.
This reveal is fucking pointless, unless it's going to be the reason for something later...
Oh god.
Anyway, Yellow arrives and kills the bodyguard people (nobody cares).
Then Dr. Wu and his supplies are shipped off-site so he can return for the third film. Wonderful.
At the same time, Tech Guy just fucking shows up.
He was asked to carry off a bit of rope and work as a sailor. Now he's a scientist... helping Dr. Wu.
How did that happen?
Using this position, he frees Biology Girl and she frees Blue onto the remaining soldiers,
who are so inept, they can't fire a fucking gun when more than a meter away from a dinosaur.
Resulting in their deaths.
We have a "[The] Last Jedi" moment here too. The room is filled with people,
then the tech guy does some "traitor" stuff, and then they're all just gone... by the time he turns around.
They're all out of earshot as well apparently 'cause there's lots of screams and gunfire.
Wonderful filmmaking.
Did I mention by the way, one of the bullets that were randomly fired during the scene,
opened up a canister of gas, ready to blow.
Our heroes sprint from the room immediately, but Blue hasn't quite gotten the realization yet.
But once Blue sniffs the gas, she realizes it's about to blow
and so jumps out of the room, like Ethan-fucking-Hunt. Just before the flames reach her.
This is so cheesy.
As a result of all this, 'Chemical X' begins to seep into the compound,
threatening the lives of all the dinosaurs that are locked up.
And then, instead of escaping, Yellow has decided to chase the ever-loving shit out of the little girl.
To the point where it climbed all the way over the roof of the mansion to the other side,
and drops down into her room where she's hiding.
Why not escape, you retarded turkey. You're supposed to be intelligent, stop hanging around.
I would also like to point out that this thing is free, as a result of Star-Lord's plan to prevent it from getting free.
(sigh)
So next up there is a scene where Star-Lord shoots Yellow with three live bullets.
It does nothing and he runs out of ammo.
I I I don't even, with this fucking film. Is Yellow immune to bullets now?
You even gonna bother explaining that one? Of course fucking not.
Not to mention that Star-Lord only had three bullets in the gun? Damn, that's just unlucky.
Anyway, moments before they die, Blue comes in and saves the day.
She seriously beats the shit out of Yellow, just as much as the reverse happens,
over and over again until they all end up, somehow, on a roof.
Blue, Yellow, Heels, Star-Lord, little girl, they're all there.
And it's like a big standoff, because the roof is dangerous and you could fall right through it.
So Heels comes up with the fantastic idea, of using the gun with the laser sight on Star-Lord.
And it's clear by the end of the scene that she wanted Yellow to jump for him, and kill itself.
But until that even comes close to happening, it honestly looks like she wants to fucking kill him,
and I couldn't help but laugh.
She just lays him up, when she could have done the exact same fucking thing with the floor he was on,
or the roof itself, but... she didn't even try that.
So Yellow jumps and Blue jumps onto it to make sure it falls down,
and slams Yellow onto the horns of the fossil below them in the trophy room.
Look how big that fucking room is. What are the odds it fell through the only dangerous part?
Fuck you.
So the Indoraptor is just dead, died the exact same way as the Master did for fuck's sake.
But it's not over, our heroes return to the control room,
because they have to decide to free the dinosaurs onto the world, or let them die in captivity to Chemical X.
They decide to let them die, since anything else would be a MASSIVE fucking mistake.
But, unbeknownst to the adults,
the little girl... hits the button and sets them free.
And she says: "It's because they are clones", like she is.
What the fuck, woman?!
Are they actually employing the "naive animal lover" trope here as well? Come on!
Do you know how many people these creatures will kill/have killed in your own universe?
How many carnivores you just released?
There are four adults in that room and you couldn't stop her?
(sigh)
So as a result of this, the main bad guy (yeah, remember him?), he's just standing outside.
He didn't leave this whole fucking time?
We last saw him just after Star-Lord beat up those five guys, ages ago,
and since then he's only made it to his fucking car... a handful of meters.
Fuck you, film.
So obviously he gets eaten by the T.rex,
'cause the T. rex is essentially the hero at the end of a film, that eats the bad guy.
No, I don't know why they keep doing this.
It's getting really weird 'cause the T. rex is also a horrible monster in these films, but whatever.
But yeah, he's dead, his men are dead, and the deaths just keep clocking in.
Hope you're happy, children of the world, to see these dinosaurs. Hope it was worth all these people's lives.
Blue then turns up and says that: "You know, I like you Star-Lord, a lot,
but we have a purely platonic thing. No Lando-femputer stuff". And so it just... it just leaves.
We'll we'll see it again. Next film. It's done its job.
We then hear a commentary going over how people, all over the world, are now generating dinosaurs
alongside all the ones that escaped. And it has converted our planet into:
Jurassic World... (cringe).
Oh and that commentator, by the way, that was Jeff-fucking-Goldblum. Remember him?
"There are incredible new dinosaurs, an exploding volcano, and Dr. Ian Malcolm's back!"
"Taiwan, this is..."
"Dr. Malcolm."
"Jeff Goldblum, not gonna lie, that's pretty awesome."
"There are terrifying new dinosaurs, an exploding island, and Jeff Goldblum's back!"
"Hello everybody I'm Jeff Goldblum, and gee um um I'm so um thrilled to be back as Dr. Ian Malcolm."
They really knew how to market this, didn't they?
He was in it for less than two minutes, I hope to Christ you didn't watch it for him, folks.
He didn't even remotely affect the story whatsoever. Fuck you, do you work for Hello Games?
"No." (laugh)
Shut the fuck up, let's summarize:
Tech Guy was barely in the movie and he popped up whenever his skills were needed
to open doors or save people, including an unexplained, yet massively beneficial, appearance to
release Blue, save Biology Girl and release the entirety of the dinosaurs, but fuck it!
Did I mention his screaming by the way?
(obnoxious screaming)
(more obnoxious screaming)
"How is this bette-"
(even more obnoxious screaming)
Yeah, it was horrible.
Biology Girl only turns up to save Blue in like every scene, and that's fucking it.
She's just Blue's life preserver on this whole movie, and it wouldn't have been necessary
If not for the fact that they had an "nontroversy" over on the island.
"You watch the movie and it's a..."
(laughing)
"Did you coin that word just now?"
"Yes."
"A 'nontroversy?'"
"A 'nontroversy.'"
"Thank you, Rich".
Discount Hammond was old, and came out of fucking nowhere.
I love how you bait old, classic characters in the marketing and then invent your own old characters,
wedging them into the classic characters, as if they were there all along.
They weren't, fuck off.
But he does serve to enable the psychopathic money-hungry villain, who's honestly not a character.
He's willing to fucking kidnap people, kill them, and send his entire legacy to the grave,
so that he can have more money?
He would have inherited the fucking mansion, and the old dude's money the moment he was dead.
But nah, he had to enter the black market and sell dinosaurs? Is is that all you got film?
He's evil and wants money?
Fuck off.
And him revealing that the little girl was a clone didn't have any bearing on the scene.
It felt like he said it to explain to the audience why we've never met Discount Hammond before.
Can you please stay away from the first film? It's great. Get your sticky fingers off it.
Don't "Terminator Genisys" me here.
Which takes us to Star-Lord and Heels, who fucking kiss at the end of the film.
They've been baiting their relationship by going off again and on again, three damn times actually.
Go away!
At least she got to feel better about essentially causing all this shit in her own way in the first film.
Fucking Heels...
Buffalo Bill was a prick who collected teeth, and managed to essentially keep the film going
when it would have normally just shunted to a grinding halt.
Without his stupid, fucking, retarded teeth collection, everything would have ended differently so...
Fuck you, Bill. I preferred it when you collected skin.
Arnim Zola was in the film, why?
Dr. Wu was there to explain how things are made,
when his points just added more questions to the fucking narrative.
And then there's Yellow and Blue. Yellow is a fucking laughing stock.
The super-intelligent 'faking its own weaknesses' raptor
(that ends up deciding to go on a rampage to chase a little girl instead of getting the fuck out of the area),
ends up dying to the "Iron Man" of the Jurassic series, Blue.
What a fucking mess Blue is at this point.
They treated her as a trained dog that would absolutely bite the hand,
to now be a loyal hero that watches over all the main characters.
Blue can sense your morality, and kills people based on that. It's fucking rubbish.
Do you guys remember this scene?
"Hold your fire! Do not fire!"
"Put 12 amps in these animals, they're never trust me again."
Yeah, well fuck that. You can abandon Blue for three years,
you can tranq Blue twice, shoot it with a pistol, bleed it out for hours,
only to perform deep surgery that causes massive amounts of pain...
All the while, we get to have Star-Lord present in these events, yet Blue will still love you for no fucking reason.
Oh, sorry. I forgot that scene that retcons the entire relationship you had with that fucking thing.
Blue loves you no matter what, and honestly,
you could probably just summon Blue in the next film to save the day, or die doing it.
(I'm I'm almost certain that's gonna happen.)
Speaking of Blue, the whole reason that all the heroes got to the island and got involved in all of this, IS Blue.
Heels says that in the film.
All four of them are there to capture and stabilize her, but InGen ever got to use her in the film.
She escapes and murders people BECAUSE of the people you told to bring her in.
Imagine the amount of stupid bullshit that would have been AVOIDED
had they NEVER brought in these good guys.
Why do they have the power to know about Blue, to access the grids and the security,
but they can't fucking turn on a tracking system without Heels? Fuck off, movie.
That was the only reason they were brought in. It's so contrived.
This film's script is beyond fucked. It's all about luck, good and bad, or just utter nonsense.
It's it's it's lucky that Yellow fell on the horns.
It's unlucky that the teeth collector had this odd fetish and thus released Yellow, actually.
But it is lucky that no one cares that they arrived just in time on that ship,
and a... and a little cap will protect them from it.
Oh and it's lucky that Star-Lord's tranq only lasted 10 minutes or he would have been DEAD.
But it's unlucky that all those bad guys are just too inept to run away in this film,
so they can be swept up by dinosaurs, like the final guy getting eaten by a T.rex to his left,
that WE can't see because of the angle. But apparently he can't see it either,
even though it's... enormous.
(Just unlucky I guess).
Lucky Star-Lord just happens to bump into them while fleeing the volcano.
Lucky they only locked up the Tech Guy and Heels, instead of shooting them.
Lucky no notices that the T. rex went nuts on the ship.
Unlucky that some guy spotted you when you were in the car.
Lucky they ended up with a dinosaur right next to them that could release them from their cage.
Lucky the truck was just waiting for them, and ends up saving their lives.
This is on top of the fact that the drama is generated for no fucking reason.
Stupid Biology Girl just pulls the gun on Bill,
the doors are left open because the iPad got smashed, leading to the suburban Mosasaurus.
Fuck off.
You have absolutely no respect for the franchise that you're attempting to grow.
You took superficial elements, like shoving as many dinosaurs down our throats as possible,
while arbitrarily bringing back references, or characters,
to make us giddy to think we might experience an appreciation for this film.
As we did for the classic.
While at the same time you openly forget established rules to your universe, in order to tell your retarded story.
Site B exists, ya fucks. It practically undoes the entire plot of this film.
You acknowledge Malcolm, but not the island he spent most of his screen time on
because you just wanna get people in the cinema.
It's not that you want to tell a good fucking story.
Worldbuilding once again takes a backseat to tell a tale that doesn't work,
even when there is no universe behind it. Familiar anyone?
"Go away!"
And that's not to mention the goddamn villain for the film.
You you kill Discount Hammond... because you like money.
Motivations in the character, everything's just shit.
If the small dinosaur could release itself, why couldn't the huge ones do it?
Especially the one with the boulder tail, come on.
The girl released them all because she associates with her fellow clones?
Seriously? Who wrote that?
Why do the dinosaurs wait for the gates to be open, instead of ripping each other apart?
There's like tons of herbivores mixed in with carnivores, it's so stupid.
How can you sell this as 'dinosaurs are free on earth "Planet of the Apes" style',
when they can all be captured and killed easily with bullets?
So silly!
Stop trying to sell that dinosaurs can work in the military, that premise is utterly fucking retarded from the get-go.
It would be EXTREMELY specialized IF EVER it worked, and it is far from legal.
You gotta sell them on the black market so... who is this idea for? Fucking Russians or something?
They're gonna invade the U.S. atop a fucking T.rex?
(Actually that would be a better film, make that film.)
The point is that you're embarrassing yourself, movie... again.
And you know why I think this was made?
I I think this film was created solely to have shit tons of dinosaurs to please the audience, and that's it.
There's no story to tell, there's no world to set and build on, there's no message to deliver.
It's just fucking dinosaur time!
"And we're gonna see all the dinosaurs again that we all love so much in the first movie. We're gonna have Blue..."
"We have a Carnotaurus..."
"The Carnotaurus fights the Sinoceratops."
"In this Jurassic World, you will see more dinosaurs than you've ever seen before."
"We have the Mosasaurus..."
"We have the T. rex..."
"We have a Baryonyx in this movie..."
"In this Jurassic World,
you will see more dinosaurs than you've ever seen in all the other Jurassic movies combined."
"We have a brand new genetically modified dinosaur called the Indoraptor."
"There were scenes where we had so many dinosaurs in the same frame, that we had to make the frame bigger."
"We have a Stygimoloch..."
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
Seriously fuck the Stygimoloch,
and fuck the absolutely VAPID characters relying on the charm of one guy.
A story that can't function without contrivance and complete luck.
The confusing fucking messages it DOES actually manage to send, such as:
How about we just fucking kill people randomly?
Star-Lord got a bunch of black market people killed, w... were they even evil?
Well, they had to be. They were... buying dinosaurs, that just makes them assholes.
Were the civilians, that they released the dinos onto, evil?
Well I fucking hope so.
This reminds me of the wonderful scene in the previous film,
where they fellate themselves over the death of this random, innocent babysitter,
and give her the most horrific scene in... all of the saga of the Jurassic films.
(laughing)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(applause)
So fucking stupid.
You could tell that this movie was created to set up the next one as well.
Just piles and piles of sequel bait, only to tell a nonsensical story in the interim.
Dinosaurs already escaped, you pillocks.
How about you account for those ones with a court case?
It's a real shame that we ended up with '[Rian] Johnson' level writing,
because you can do so much more than this.
Remember how we started?
(sigh) Ya fucked it up for a fourth time, boys. Ya screwed it up again.
Congratulations, can't wait to see you shit out the next one for this universe.
Excuse me, while I go back to watching The Lost World, with how bad that film is, it's still better than this mess.
"Hey! You!"
God, that's so stupid.
I need to do an 'Unbridled Praise' soon, my blood pressure doesn't need this kind of stress.
Maybe I can be... nice... for a second.
The movie had excellent camerawork.
The director and/or the cinematographer genuinely achieved something here.
Little girl's acting was like... phenomenal.
She cried on cue and pulled off a sense of despair, while actually being subdued... even though she's a kid.
Seriously good stuff.
On top of that, it's always fun to see dinosaurs eat people, even superficially.
And Chris Pratt is as wonderful as expected so, who knows. Maybe you'll love it.
Pity about the plot and the characters though, I guess.
See you around, folks. Thanks for watching.