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let's begin this review with a little
thought experiment shall we close your
eyes dear viewer and imagine a teddy
bear a delightful fluffy little Chuck
but you've had for as long as you can
remember when you were a little kid
you'd contentedly fall asleep holding it
and then it would be the first thing you
saw when you woke up each morning it was
comforting and fun and it was always
there whenever you needed it then as
time passed and you grew older you began
to need to bear less and less but you
could never quite bring yourself to
throw it away
because every time you saw it it brought
a fond smile to your face reminding you
of the simple innocence of childhood and
you knew that one day you'll pass that
bear on to your own children so a whole
new generation can make their own happy
memories with it what's a charming
thoughts now imagine that some fat
middle-aged [ __ ] comes along
spray-paints political slogans all over
your bear telling you that you're a
horrible person rips the head off and
replaces it with an 18 inch black rubber
dildo and you're like excuse me sir
this doesn't seem right why are you
doing this to my bear and the fat
middle-aged [ __ ] gleefully tells you
that he's actually improved your bear in
fact has never looked better so stop
complaining and enjoy it confused and
upset by this you go online to share
your experience with other bear users
and suddenly you've got an avalanche of
people who've never even owned a bear
screaming at you that Bears have always
had 18-inch dildos attached to them so
why do you have a problem with it now
this is just the way bears are now and
you need to deal with it are you some
kind of bear bigots are you intimidated
by strong independent bears then before
you know it the news media's heard about
your story and they're writing scathing
articles like our bear fans to entitled
or the problem with toxic bear fans and
everyone's getting angry and shouting at
each other but nobody's really listening
to what's being said something which
used to represent innocent Universal fun
has become a battleground for everyone's
petty hang-ups grievances and
insecurities meanwhile the fat
middle-aged [ __ ] is
making even more changes to your bear
before you know it the arms and legs
have been replaced by razor blades and
he's added a big obnoxious rainbow flag
to go alongside all the political
slogans in desperation you turn to your
happy childhood memories of the bear
before all the improvements were made
but the fat middle-aged [ __ ] has
even found a way to infiltrate that's
his new and improved Bears have been
photoshopped into every family picture
and every home movie that you own
there's literally no escape now
the past present and future have been
completely taken over by the fat
middle-aged [ __ ] and his army of
rainbow bears with dildos foreheads and
no matter how much people hate them they
can never be unmade now imagine the
frustration and disappointment you'd
feel in this situation well this is
pretty much how longtime fans of Doctor
Who must be feeling right now
particularly after the final episode of
season 12 that shameless children quite
literally the 60 minutes of TV that
finally killed 57 years of Doctor Who
not to mention any lingering sense of
respect I might have had for the show so
for the final time let's jump aboard the
[ __ ] as' and get into the [ __ ]
so the timeless children kicks off
straight after the events of the
previous episode where the Cybermen have
been resurrected and the master has
returns again no everyone's hanging out
beside a big portal leading to the
remains of the doctors homeworld
Gallifrey
Jesus Christ how many times is this
[ __ ] planet gonna be blown up and
resurrected only to be blown up yet
again
remember when Gallifrey was time locked
so the writers couldn't keep going back
and [ __ ] with it that was a nice idea
they probably should have stuck with
that anyway so the doctor impersonator
and her fam are there along with the
master who for some reason looks like a
really [ __ ] version of Douglas from the
IT Crowd you bastard
the master forces the doctor
impersonator to go with him through the
portal leaving the others behind because
you know why kill them or neutralize
them in any way when you can just let
them roam free and totally scupper your
plans later [ __ ] Bell end so the
master takes the dr. impersonator for a
nice walk through the ruined capital and
for some reason he now acts like a
[ __ ] hyperactive child with
Tourette's this just mainlined the
triple espresso why is this ridiculous
now the master is supposed to be
menacing and calculating this guy's just
a complete dick then he traps the dr.
impersonator in a big machine called the
matrix that lets him get inside her head
and apparently the process is
agonizingly painful the [ __ ] me you'd
never know it from a reaction either she
has an incredibly high pain threshold or
Judy wacker just doesn't give a [ __ ] in
this scene I'll let you decide anyway
know that the doctor impersonator is
plugged into the matrix as st. for a
little history lesson
get your Lube ready because the big bad
teddy bears about to [ __ ] you we flash
back to the early days of Gallifrey
before the Time Lords even existed when
a strong female explorer ventures out
into the universe in search of a decent
haircuts but instead she finds the
magical gateway that's been conveniently
left unguarded what's the nature and
purpose of this gateway who built it how
does it function what lies beyond its I
don't [ __ ] know because the script
doesn't give a [ __ ] what is important
though is the diverse little girl who's
hanging around waiting for the plot to
kick in so strong female Explorer ticks
diverse little girl back to Gallifrey
and then she gets into a fight and falls
off a cliff but instead of dying she
regenerates into a new equally diverse
form well that's weird
whatever does this mean so strong female
explorer studies diverse little girl by
repeatedly murdering her and forced her
to regenerates
what's a lovely mother
and eventually discovers the secret to
regeneration which she uses to create
the first sign Lords and that's it
that's how they came to be but drink her
you courageous sermonize er I hear you
see whatever became of the little girl
in this flashback take a wild guess
the child is you
great so now we know where the doctor
and the Timelords came from how they
were created and what their true nature
is now this is all spiffing but just
like attaching an 18 inch rubber [ __ ] to
your favorite city bear it does create a
share of problems see doctor who is a
sure that's been running for more than
half a century now and while different
generations of writers may have tweaked
elements of its cannon over the years
there are certain foundational things
that gradually solidified into the
category of stuff we really shouldn't
[ __ ] with and some of the list was the
doctor's personal history we were never
told exactly how the doctor came into
being what his childhood was like what
he did before the show began or even his
real name why because we didn't need to
know the writers were wise enough to
realize that the mystery of the doctor
was way more interesting and compelling
than anything that could actually come
up with to explain it all we need for
sure was that he was a Time Lord from
Gallifrey who went rogue stole a TARDIS
and went on a bunch of adventures
through time and space how and why he
became the doctor was less important
than what he did afterwards likewise the
origins of Gallifrey and the Time Lords
was kept deliberately vague for exactly
the same reasons the Time Lords were
portrayed as epic godlike beings of
almost infinite power and wisdom where
and how they started out was just
another mystery for the audience to
speculate over something to fire the
imagination and stir a sense of wonder
but the creative powerhouse that is
Chris Chibnall was like nah it'll be
fine why bother to maintain an
intriguing mystery when you can just
[ __ ] your own dumb unsatisfying answer
onto the screen declare that it's a
permanent part of the show's history and
subtly undermine the work of entire
generations of writers yeah [ __ ]
hubris anyway but sue whatever passes
for a plotz so the master takes a break
from being a total dick to invite the
Cybermen to come through the portal so
he can form an alliance with them the
Cybermen are led by this absolute SWOT
who explains that he's guy's hands on a
death particle that can destroy all
organic life in the universe no
well really one particle can do all that
destroy all life in the entire universe
like how how does one come by such an
element's does it occur naturally if so
how does anything exist in the universe
also don't the Cybermen have living
brains inside their Armour I mean yes
and the others are actually able to wear
and move around in it which suggests
there's enough space in sight for a
functioning human body or the very least
this guy has an entire [ __ ] head
inside his helmet sir listen the death
particle would almost certainly kill all
the Cybermen as well what's a genius
screenplay great work Chris to be fair
the Cybermen don't exactly strike me as
the sharpest tool in the shed yes and
the others are able to consistently
outwit and don't fight them and they're
a bunch of absolute morons I mean can
someone explain why the Cybermen are
considered some of the most deadly
enemies and Doctor Who because they seem
kind of slow and dumb they walk straight
into ambushes without any tactical
awareness and they can be easily killed
with small arms fire Jesus even Ryan the
plank manages to blow a bunch of them up
also I don't know why but the script
absolutely spunks all over he has for
some reason Graham even heaps so much
praise on her you'd think she'd just
cured cancer brought peace to the Middle
East and begged him a hot date with
Scarlett Johansson and of course the
others are all dumb and ineffectual
black comparison maybe they're just not
diverse enough so anyway the master uses
a convenient shrink ray on arsal
Cyberman leader and takes command of all
the other Cybermen then he puts the
bodies of dead Time Lords inside their
Armour thus revealing his diabolical
scheme to create an army of cyber Time
Lords
this is real this is happening actual
professional writers came up with this
then the doctor impersonator gets a
visit from stunningly diverse previous
doctor and then she overloads the matrix
by remembering too much stuff
[ __ ] off show then she has one last
reunion with her farm and honestly the
script does everything except have her
enya's make out right there in the
middle of the [ __ ] as' then she goes
to confront the master with a bomb made
out of the death particle wait won't
that kill everything in the universe now
it'll be fine
apparently it'll just kill everyone on
Gallifrey now why don't know this script
is like a drunk old man blindly lurching
from one desperately improvised plot
fixed to another and honestly it's
absolutely hilarious to watch it's
physically impossible to become invested
in this nonsense because literally
anything could happen at any moment to
completely undermine the premise of a
situation so the doctor impersonator
marches in there with the bomb and
threatens to blow everything up and the
master is like okay do it and she's like
nah and he's like oh god you know if you
really want to blow up the universe why
don't you just release the death
particle yourself ya dick
what is the doctor impersonator have to
do it for you why are the cyber Time
Lords standing there doing nothing what
is the point in even using the death
particle when everyone in this situation
will just regenerate anyway why should
the doctor impersonator ever worry about
dying when she can keep coming back to
life forever why does nothing in the
show make any [ __ ] sense ever anyway
the pointless and totally contrived
standoff gets broken when some old bad
sheriff shows up and takes the bomb from
the doctor impersonator and I'm not
kidding the master and everyone else
just stands there allowing this to
happen why don't you just [ __ ] shoot
them immediately you absolute cheese and
chutney sandwiches I mean is it me am i
doing this wrong I may just not getting
this show trying to review doctor who
these days is like flirtin with some
kind of existential crisis like I'll
tumble off into madness if I think about
it too long god help me
the vegetto detonates the bomb Gallifrey
blows up and everyone dies but the good
guys escaping some spirit are diseased
and they all live happily ever after but
then a bunch of spacerino short and
through the doctor impersonator in space
jail and the episode ends and that's it
that's the plot for the timeless
children probably the last episode of
Doctor Who that I'll ever watch trying
to review this nonsensical [ __ ] is
like trying to fight your way out of
quicksand the harder you try to escape
the more it pulls you down everything
that was bad in previous episodes is
even worse here first up there's the
broken storyline filled with plot holes
so big you could almost fit Amy
Schumer's arse through them that pulls
so many revelations and quick fixes I
then it feels like it must have been
written by Ryan Johnson then there's the
usual fundin amateur hour performances
from everyone involved especially Judy
would secure whose attempts the channel
gravitas and inner darkness are like
watching a toddler doing their best Bain
impression and of course there's the
usual overzealous BBC diversity casting
I love how virtually every previous
incarnation of the doctor and the Time
Lords are now either female or non-white
or both it's become so trite and
predictable at this point for the BBC to
smack you over the head with this stuff
that you can practically set your watch
by it naturally the women are all smart
tough resourceful and natural leaders
and the men are all whiny
and competent cowardly stupid and need
to be told exactly what to do see it's
funny because Graham can't get his
helmet off what's laugh at the silly old
man Oh Bradley wash I don't know what
they paid you to be in this show but I
hope it was worth it my son all of these
things are bad enough but they're pretty
much par for the course with Doctor Who
at this point we know the show's
creative team is a contradiction in
terms
we know the actors either don't give a
[ __ ] or don't have any talents to begin
with we know the writers don't
understand what made this show good and
lack the ability to craft a decent story
anyway
but it's the destruction of the show's
Canon that's the biggest sin here not
concerned with ruining Doctor Who by
presenting their own unique vision of
its in the present Chris Chibnall and
the writing team know seem determined to
sink their claws into the show's 57 year
legacy as well I got a real sense that
they wants to make a lasting mark on the
entire Doctor Who franchise
just the handful of seasons they've been
given probably because they know they're
living on borrowed time and everyone
can't wait to get them out the [ __ ]
door just like with the dildo teddy bear
that's been awkwardly photoshopped into
your family albums
you can't even escape from chip knows
influenced by finding solace in past
versions of the doctor now whenever you
look at William Hartnell playing the
very first doctor somewhere in the back
of your mind you'll know that people
like this came before him when you think
of the mighty Time Lords of Gallifrey
now you'll know that they only came into
being because of strong female explorer
repeatedly murdering children and it's
just kind of depressing to see the work
of so many talented hard-working people
being slowly undone and trampled on by
they're unworthy successors people who
were chosen for the job because they
spoke at the correct politics or fit the
correct demographics or told the correct
line people who probably wouldn't even
be working in the industry if it wasn't
for the extremely accommodating hiring
practices at the BBC sheer [ __ ]
hubris you know one of the virtues of
living in today's world is being able to
sit back and watch the wholesale
destruction of every science fiction
franchise we used to know and love in
some cases it was don't agreed and
incompetence on the part of the studios
trying to squeeze more money from shows
and movies that run creatively dry
decades ago and others the aggressive
pushing of agendas and politics at the
expense of good storage seven altum
Utley killed the fun and turned people
away
well another still the lack of curry of
new ideas led to uninspiring retreads of
previous ground dressed up in fast paced
scripts and superficially flashy visuals
but Doctor Who is one of those rare
instances that manages to combine all
three into a perfect storm of shittiness
the decision to cast a female doctor was
a bold one that could have paid off in
the long run if only the showrunners had
had the common sense and humility to
handle the change with sensitivity and
respect they could have proven their
detractors wrong by hiring the very best
writers they could find and focus in all
their energy on producing fun engaging
adventures that ever
one could enjoy instead they played
right into the hands of all those
critics who claimed they were going to
spoil the fun for everyone they did
exactly what people feared they would do
turning a quirky beloved character into
a preachy annoying judgmental busybody
hidden beneath a thin veneer of
eccentricity and social awkwardness
there's an almost tangible sense of
hostility and mean-spiritedness hanging
around this sure now like it kind of
knows that people hate it and it's just
sticking around as long as possible to
spite them but go it must because most
of its audience already has and to be
honest I'm one of them this will be the
final Doctor Who review I'd zoo because
honestly this show is simply not what
might seem any longer or yours so with
that in mind let me offer a few parting
words to Chris Chibnall and his buddies
I hope you're proud of yourselves
I hope the destruction of one of them
was popular and enduring TV shows in
British history was the price you were
willing to pay because when it's all
over and you look back on your legacy of
failure you'll realize that oh you
really did was prove every single one of
your critics absolutely right anyway
that's all I've got for today
go away now