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Personal Note: I adamantly disagree with a point made in the following video. Thanos being painted as a sympathetic villain in Infinity War and Endgame was not only stupid but COMPLETELY WRONG on every level. It was simply zero population growth / Extinction Rebellion / environmental communism pornography.

no it's no secret that I've got a bit of
a love affair with James Cameron movies
in fact I've spent nearly 10 hours
ejaculate in over aliens in Terminator 2
you know but when sermon er actually
told a viable story instead of over
writing their own continuity and soiling
their legacy with increasingly desperate
attempts to jumpstart a new franchise
anyway back to James Cameron the man has
been responsible for some of the
greatest blockbuster movies ever made
using a unique combination of fast paced
hard-hitting action groundbreaking new
technology meticulous attention to
detail inspired casting choices strong
writing and iconic characters to bring
his artistic visions to life
nice one Jim the problem with all this
success is that eventually it can go to
your head with no one left who has the
balls to call you I challenge your ideas
or rein in your ego when you need it
you're free to be as impulsive excessive
and self-indulgent as you like and the
quality of your creative output
inevitably suffers just ask George Lucas
in Cameron's case the end result of this
uncontrolled burst of ego driven
creativity was avatar the most
successful bad movie ever made
but drinker you indefatigable
Renaissance man I hear you see avatar
made almost three billion dollars how
can you possibly claim it's bad when
it's one of the biggest movies ever made
because my simple-minded friend
box-office revenue doesn't determine
whether a film is objectively goods I
can't believe I'm actually having to see
this but gate receipts don't make
something a meaningful artistic endeavor
if they did then Resident Evil would be
just as culturally significant as
Schindler's List the sad reality of
cinema is that sometimes bad films make
lots of money and really good films
don't make any and this particular bad
film made a shitload of money see the
world went absolutely nuts for avatar
back in 2009 and to this day I still
don't know exactly why it's like
we all switched off our brains Fortuna
half-hours steered all the pretty colors
and somehow bought into the collective
delusion that we just witnessed the
greatest spectacle in modern cinema
people were even claiming to suffer from
[ __ ] depression when they had to
leave Pandora and go back to the mundane
reality of their real lives yeah it's
right growing up in Scotland your dicks
anyway no it's a decade later and we've
had plenty of other spectacles to marvel
at and since we've been hearing more and
more noise about the first of four
sequels this due to hit cinemas next
year I guess this is as good a time as
any to revisit the original avatar and
see if I can make sense of this [ __ ]
so grab your shots of unobtainium and
let's begin avatar kicks off in the mid
22nd century and things are looking bad
for the human race Earth's natural
resources have been depleted force in
mankind to spread her into the galaxy in
order to survive the search for new
resources eventually leads to the jungle
world of Pandora and the discovery of a
new energy source called unobtainium I
find whatever the only problem is the
primitive natives of Pandora a race of
giant blue Smurf people called the Navi
who are kind of hostile to the humans
encroaching on their territory Oh No a
group of technologically advanced
invaders gradually displacing the
peaceful but primitive indigenous
peoples from their land so they can
plunder it for wealth and resources
whatever could this be a reference to
any way to help explore Pandora the
humans have invented artificial Navi
bodies that they can download their
consciousness into avatars if you will
why go to the trouble of creating
massively complex and expensive alien
bodies to walk around in when satellite
mapping aerial reconnaissance unmanned
drones robotic probes and [ __ ]
respirators are already available and
easily to use because the script needs
the plot to happen I guess anyway this
is where we meet the plank of wood that
as the main character Jake Sully is a
paralyzed war veteran whose twin brother
was originally going to pilot one of
these avatars but then he got killed and
because it's only compatible with his
genetic code jake is given the chance to
control it instead okay it's kind of
clunky but I can live with her I guess
so Jake accepts the offer and goes to
Pandora and this is where we get
introduced to the three main factions at
work first
there's the group of scientists led by
Ellen Ripley who operate the avatars and
try to maintain a peaceful relationship
with the Navi then there's the military
led by Colonel Quaritch who are supposed
to protect the mining operation for the
unobtanium but basically just what an
excuse to kill things lastly there's
Parker Selfridge a slimy corporate
[ __ ] who runs the show and doesn't
much care what happens as long as his
company keeps making money so basically
we've got a peaceful environmentally
harmonious indigenous people under
threat from the 20 vows of greedy
corporate capitalism and a destructive
war mongering military you know we tend
to think of preachy political
grandstanding in movies as being a
pretty modern phenomenon but James
Cameron was doing this [ __ ] way back in
2009 anyway Jake downloads into his
avatar and off he goes but soon enough
his recon team gets attacked by a CGI
monster and he's forced to go on the run
which brings him into contact with this
sexy blue minx her name's not eerie and
she's about to shoot him but a jellyfish
floats by and it's like nah well that
was lucky timing anyway and the theory
takes him into her tribe and starts to
teach him her ways so he can learn more
about their culture what does this
remind me of know I got nothing I love
how he's been there for like five
minutes and he's already managed to
achieve more than the other scientists
have done in years isn't plot
convenience a wonderful thing
no Quaritch thinks this is all fantastic
and orders Jake to spy on the Navi for
him why don't know they're [ __ ]
primitive hunters mate it's not like
they have strategic war plans forget to
uncover anyway I think you can
see the moral conundrum here the more
time Jake spends with the Navi the more
he finds himself sympathizing with their
situation and questioning his loyalty to
the humans and it doesn't hurt that he's
got this fine piece of blue ass to come
back to what's this a beautiful native
girl who takes the romantic liking to
the mysterious outsider providing a
conduit for him to integrate into her
culture where have I seen this before
the final straw comes when the humans
send a comically huge excavator into
Navi territory and Jake attacks it what
does this remind me of so with the Navi
up in arms the battle lines are drawn
Quaritch puts Jake and the scientists
under arrest and convinces Selfridge to
authorize an airstrike on the Navi which
kills a whole bunch of them and knocks
their giant tree over like a big
building coming down what does this
remind me of things are looking bad for
our intrepid heroes but then Michelle
Rodriguez shows up playing an angry
tough-talking Sarah Connor wannabe you
know just like every other rule of her
entire career she rescues the gang from
prison and they escape but Ellen Ripley
gets wounded in the crossfire so they
took her to a different giant tree and
then Navi tried to transfer her mind
into her avatar body permanently what
the [ __ ] how is any of this happening I
mean how is there even a mechanism for
something like this when have you ever
been required to transfer a human
consciousness into a biological
remote-controlled robot have you done
this kind of thing before with other
people can anyone download into anything
else I know which body I'd go for anyway
it doesn't work and she dies oh no I
hope Jake doesn't get put into a similar
position at the end of the movie because
that would be terrible
well I suppose I should at least give
camera and some credit for setting up
this plot devices in advance instead of
just pulling out of his arse with no
warning like JJ Abrams probably would
have done so I guess it's time for the
big finale
quark since always forces to bomb what's
left of the Navi into oblivion
while Jake rallies all of the warriors
to defend it becoming a savior to them a
white Savior if you will then there's a
bunch of fight scenes and Michelle
Rodriguez gets blown up and there's a
funny shot where Anna tiri gets stunned
by a nearby explosion and sees the
battle happening in a slow motion days
where have I seen this before
naturally the bomber gets blown up but
the last seconds and it all comes down
to a fistfight between Quaritch and Jake
a human in a mech suit versus a
dangerous alien a whereof I know I never
mind sooo chorus gets the upper hand by
damaging the pod that hoses Jake's human
form and exposing him to the toxic
atmosphere well lucky he happened to
crush lands so close to that thingy but
it's okay because natira shows up at the
last second and makes sure that he gets
the points and the movie ends with Jake
going through the magical download
process which works this time because he
remembered to wear his plot armor and
that's it that's the plot for dances
with Fern Gully Pocahontas aliens while
Saving Private Ryan from 9/11 no it's a
well known fact that I'm a cheerful
optimistic soul who tries to see the
very best in everything so traditionally
I like to start my reviews by
highlighting the positive aspects of a
movie it looks nice I guess I've never
gotten particularly excited over stuff
like shot composition color palettes or
camera angles and generally I'm off the
opinion that most big-budget movies made
in the past 15 years
look tolerably goods were the few
exceptions of course
but even I recognize that avatar is a
visual masterpiece filled with vibrant
colors breathtaking landscapes and
fascinating alien ecosystems yeah it
doesn't make much sense when you think
about the logistics behind it but
pouring down your brain and watching it
unfold for the first time in a 3d movie
theater was a pretty impressive
experience helped by an excellent
soundtrack that really captures the
feeling of wonder and adventure which is
just as well because the rest of this
movies a steaming pile of Donkey [ __ ]
the biggest bone of contention with
avatar has to be its story which feels
like a cheesy simplistic amalgamation of
ideas pilfered from five or six other
better movies a flawed but sympathetic
protagonist drawn into a brewing
conflict between two antagonistic
peoples gradually questioning his
preconceptions as he learns more about
his supposedly brutal and savage hosts a
cautionary environmental message about
the dangers of callously exploiting the
resources of a lush but dangerous
paradise without considering the wider
implications of these actions a romantic
love affair between two characters from
vastly different cultures set against
the backdrop of an epic confrontation
it's all been done a million times
before and while I acknowledged that
there's nothing inherently wrong about
reusing classic tropes and ideas and if
you break them down far enough most
movies contain the same basic
foundational plot elements but Jesus you
can at least try to put an original spin
on it you could introduce a bit of
nuance and complexity encouraging the
audience to look at a well-worn story
from a fresh perspective or you can do
what Abbot R does and take the simplest
quickest and easiest route to your end
goal using every dirty trick in the book
to get a reaction take the Navi for
example they're practically a textbook
example of how to emotionally manipulate
your audience they're similar enough to
us in general appearance that viewers
can impose human identity on them and
see them as people even if they
technically aren't they're graceful and
aesthetically pleasing so the romantic
relationship between Jake and natira
doesn't come across as weird and
uncomfortable because let's face it if
now he happens to look like this or this
or this
then avatar would be a very different
movie they even have big innocent
trusting eyes typically associated with
animals because nobody likes to see an
animal getting hurt or killed
lastly they're portrayed as living in
peaceful harmony with their environments
while the humans are violent and
destructive seeking what they want and
killing anyone who stands in their way
as an interesting little comparison
consider the aliens from district 9 they
certainly don't look attractive and they
don't seem to have any redeeming
qualities at first glance but the
difference here is that district 9
script actually puts in the work to help
you understand their origins and
empathize with their situation and by
the end you're rooting for them just as
much as the protagonist
it doesn't matter that they look like
giant prawns the Navi on the other hand
to come across as kind of creepy and
manipulative when you consider the
motivation behind them you're expected
to like them because they look nice and
they're being oppressed by evil people
that's it
no this is where strong characterization
could really help out many adults Tori
has been elevated by complex characters
and great performances and in this case
we've got I'm honestly struggling to
think of something interesting to say
about geeks Sully
as far as protagonists go he's kind of a
blackhole of personality and charisma I
mean he got injured and he's in a
wheelchair now so that's something I
guess but even that doesn't seem to give
us much to work with I never got a sense
of a once-proud and formidable man
struggling with the limitations of his
physical condition or bitter about the
opportunities that he's lost it's not
helped by an anemic performance from Sam
Worthington who generally acts like he
can't quite believe he's starring in a
big-budget movie and as a result neither
can I he doesn't have the charisma the
screen presence the magnetism or the
acting chops to carry a movie like this
and the problems only get worse when
he's buried under a layer of CGI if I
was feeling super charitable I'd say
Jake was intentionally written to be as
generic as possible played by an
unmemorable actor so he could become a
kind of avatar for the audience to
project
themselves on soo but that's probably
given the film too much credits
the teary isn't much better she gets the
occasional feisty moment but honestly I
never got a sense of who she was what
drives and motivates her what she values
and fears I mean she falls in love with
Jake because the script needs it to
happen but I don't really understand why
also this is kind of a nitpick but if
you're gonna give her an outfit that
leaves their boobs exposed don't resort
to the old strategic nipple cover in
routine it just makes her look like a
character from a JRPG no I'd love to see
that the antagonist totally saves this
movie but that would be a big old lie I
mean Stephen Lang certainly gives it his
best shot and compared to Worthington
he's definitely a commanding presence
but the script doesn't really give him
much to work with Quaritch isn't the
kind of guy I wanted to know more about
because there's nothing to know there's
no tragic backstory no personality flaws
or outside pressures that put him on a
collision course with the Navi he's just
a guy that likes to blow stuff up the
best antagonists are the ones with
understandable motivations the kind of
guys you almost feel like you could
agree with if things were slightly
different like fan oz from infinity war
for example he's personally witnessed
the devastating effects of
overpopulation in a world of finite
resources so he sets out to correct the
problem on a universal scale using the
most brutal of methods he doesn't really
want to do it and he certainly takes no
pleasure in it but he knows he's the
only one with the will and the means to
see it through and he's utterly ruthless
in the pursuit of his goal he's still
doing a terrible thing but he's doing it
to serve a higher purpose and you can at
least see his point of view even if you
don't supports it wouldn't it be
interesting if Quora CH had an equally
compelling motivation like if he cared
deeply about the troops under his
command and only committed to open
warfare as a last resort or he lost
people close to him because of the Navi
ultimately setting him on a path of
revenge or he was acutely aware of the
desperate situation on earth and was
willing to do anything necessary to help
humanity survive wouldn't a little bit
of moral ambiguity make him a more
interesting nuanced and fleshed out
character without undermining his role
as an antagonist
now just serve up a cartoon bad guy
that's irredeemably evil so the audience
can feel angry when he does bad things
and sheer when he dies and I guess that
pretty much sums up the entire movie
really avatar is all about surface level
spectacle and shallow emotion dazzling
the viewer with grand visuals but
failing to deliver anything deeper
that's worth reflecting on sick away the
3d and the big cinema screen and what
you're left with is basically a two and
a half hour tech demo loosely strung
together by a thin derivative plot that
borrows elements from far superior
movies and simplistic characters that do
the bare minimum to get you invested a
movie that doesn't earn the big
emotional payoffs it tries to deliver
because it refuses to put in the work to
get you there for all the money and
creativity that clearly went into its
production avatar ultimately tells the
cheap manipulative shallow lazy story
and it's such a shame because with just
a bit more work and thought put into the
writing I think it could have been so
much more but hey it made money lots of
money the problem is that its success
was mostly a combination of good luck
good timing and good word of mouth
unfortunately it's pretty rare for those
three factors to line up twice in a row
especially when you leave a 12 year gap
between your movies I suspect James
Cameron might learn this the hard way
when avatar two finally comes out either
way the drinker will be there to give
his opinion on it anyway that's all I've
got for today
go away No

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Good god...
So we open up at Isla Nublar, and a team of idiots are trying to collect a sample of the now dead
Indominus rex, that was dragged into the den of the Mosasaurus.
(You remember that right guys? Yeah? Okay good.)
They open up a door that connects the Mosasaurus den to the ocean?
Somehow?
Wasn't the whole point of that enclosure NOT to be connected to the ocean?
Have you retconned it so that something can now escape, movie?
That's a not so "Clever girl".
In the little bathysphere exploring the den,
we have one of the two men explicitly state that "everything here is long dead".
We know that these guys work for the bad guy in the film. And the plan for the bad guy is to retrieve
eleven different species, or something, on the island?
So they DO indeed know that things actually live here,
making the line utterly retarded.
And well, the Mosasaurus IS still in there, and it eats them. No, I'm not kidding, it just eats them.
But before that happened they were able to quickly find the corpse of the Indominus rex,
and a bone was successfully sawn off for retrieval.
Imagine, if they had taken it up with them on the pod, that bone would have been lost.
Lucky!
Meanwhile, the guy operating the door that connects the den to the ocean, gets attacked by a T. rex
that popped up just in time. And as a result,
his iPad was only half loading the door closing? And being crushed prevents it from closing the door now?
Why wouldn't it be binary? You hit close and the door closes.
Why do you need a constant connection to the iPad?
A system like that sounds incredibly unsafe and downright ineffective.
Proven by the fact that the Mosasaurus actually escapes.
So... um... yeah.
Oh and the guy with the iPad died as well.
Because for some reason his headset didn't allow him to talk to people on the helicopter.
You know, his team. They had to try and shout to him that there was a T. rex
standing behind him, and so he was too late and he got finished off by the Mosasaurus.
(sigh) What is even happening here?
How far after the first film are? Who are these people? What the hell are they doing?
This is a nonsensical attempt at retrieving a sample. Why do it at night? Why do you have so few people?
Why do you have no precautions? Why do you believe everything is dead?
They have the tech to open up the gate,
so they should know a hell of a lot more about this island than they clearly fucking do.
Could you not SCAN for the Mosasaurus?
It can't hide, the motherfucker is enormous, and the pen is actually limited.
(It's okay, we got to see a guy get eaten. It was so cool. Let's move on.)
We then get an expositional news report that basically says there's a volcano,
active on the island. It was there the whole time and now it's about to erupt.
So everyone's arguing over whether or not the dinosaurs should be saved.
I find it ridiculous that everyone on earth has apparently left this island alone aside from activists up to this point.
But apparently that is the case? These things are worth millions.
They are one-of-a-kind, they are unguarded, they are perfect for the black market.
Nobody apparently gives a shit, and only activists are interested in them.
D'ohkay!
We then get to catch up with Dr. Ian Malcolm,
and you should remember him because he starred in the other Jurassic films.
(Jeff Goldblum laugh)
"No."
Not to mention that they made sure to remind you that he was absolutely gonna be in this film. He is back!
"There are incredible new dinosaurs, an exploding volcano, and Dr. Ian Malcolm's back!"
"Taiwan! This is...
Dr. Malcolm."
"Jeff Goldblum, not gonna lie, that's pretty awesome."
"There are terrifying new dinosaurs, an exploding island, and Jeff Goldblum's back!"
"Hello everybody I'm Jeff Goldblum, and gee um um I'm so um thrilled to be back as Dr. Ian Malcolm."
So I can't wait to see his involvement with the story. Let's let's check out his first scene, shall we?
Malcolm argues that we shouldn't save the dinosaurs as they are incredibly dangerous,
thus people begin to call him a "murderer" in the crowd.
This is priceless considering the history of this continuity,
and what happens when they end up trying to get these things over to civilized society.
But fuck it, they don't remember apparently, which means he's a "murderer".
And that's the end of the scene! Looking forward to him popping back, really am.
So then we see... ahh... what's her name? Annoying, robotic lady who outran a T.rex in heels?
Can I call her Heels? I'm calling her Heels.
Heels, since we last saw her, has set up some kind of organization where she tries to rescue the dinosaurs.
Or, at least push the idea that they should be rescued?
Her opening dialogue is about how she is trying to get funding.
Which raises the question of: How do they generate money to even have what they have now?
How can they make a difference when they aren't visiting or supporting the island whatsoever?
Why are so many people working for them with nothing to do and no way to be paid?
There's like 20 of these fuckers, why?
What do you even do? Ring senators and maintain a fucking website for three years?
Why are you putting this much effort into saving dinosaurs anyway?
Those things are dangerous (if you didn't catch the memo).
The motivation for this entire organization, as stated by the film,
is Heels explaining that we shouldn't allow a world where our children could grow up without dinosaurs.
Which... err...
Kids can look at the damn pictures in a book like I did, for fuck's sake.
Children get amazed by car keys, we don't need dinosaurs just for them.
Make a better argument.
Let's not risk several lives here for no reas-
Oh god damn it.
You know what? Why are all the dinosaurs inexplicably isolated on this island anyway?
How haven't the pterodactyls escaped like the ones from the third film and the fourth film?
I find it unbelievable that the island has been untouched for three fucking years,
when we have so many factions that would kill to get their hands on them.
And they have shown that people can get here outside of the law, easily, to get involved with DINOSAURS.
And I feel like a fucking alien in this world, because there is such a thing as Site B!
Remember Isla Sorna? It was the island of choice in The Lost World & Jurassic Park 3?
An island with a shit ton of dinosaurs all roaming free?
Does anyone want to talk about that one? Are people going to poach from that one?
Are there rights to discuss about the dinosaurs on that island?
Everyone in this film keeps saying that if Isla Nublar is destroyed then the dinosaurs go extinct,
but that simply isn't true!
you have strong references to the classic film. You have Dr. Ian-fucking-Malcolm.
Enjoy the benefits you get by referencing these fan favorite elements.
But if you're gonna do that,
you can't ignore your own continuity, you silly bastards.
But yeah, worldbuilding isn't a thing films like to do these days. They don't even try. So fuck it.
I mean, in fairness, people believe that you shouldn't consider the second and third films to be canon,
and that there is promotional material to explain that they moved all the dinosaurs from Site B to A.
This just adds WAY more universal questions to the movies, but I'm cutting that shit at the roots.
It should ABSOLUTELY have been mentioned in the films.
So it ain't good writing, folks.
Heels is then called by Benjamin Lockwood, John Hammond's ex-partner that helped clone dinosaurs.
He was apparently some kind of right-hand man to Hammond,
and they broke up before the events of Jurassic Park.
Oh, you don't remember him? From the other films? Well, it's because he doesn't fucking exist.
He's a 'discount John Hammond' to make this seem like it actually fits in with the story of the first film.
(It doesn't.)
They even bait our sense of nostalgia with a painting of Hammond himself.
It's not gonna work, film. You actually... need to be good first.
Also, there is a little girl in the mansion. She will matter at some point. Remember her.
Anyway, Discount Hammond says that Heels should go and save all the dinosaurs from Isla Nublar.
She can bring them to a new piece of land they have created,
and they can be protected and live and whatever.
His main statement is: "These creatures don't need our protection, they need our absence."
Spoken unironically as he explains the plan to abduct them, monitor them,
and deliver them to this piece of land that is surrounded by barriers.
Since they will die without human intervention and protection. Dumbass.
And let's not forget by the way that the quote he is referencing from Hammond in this scene,
is from The Lost World:
"These creatures, require our absence to survive, not our help."
How's that for erasing the second and third films from continuity? Yeah, I didn't think so.
Apparently they need Heels and her crew because this whole thing is illegal,
and her access will get them to the scanner that shows where all the dinosaurs are.
It then turns out there's some young dude who works for Discount Hammond.
He is the one who will organize everything for him these days, and if you saw the trailer,
we already know he's evil.
So 'Bad Guy' then says that she needs to bring in Star-Lord, since he's the only one that can capture Blue.
And Blue is the super important dino that they absolutely must capture...
apparently.
So she agrees to the expedition and goes to convince Star-Lord to come. The main argument
she uses on him is how much he cares about Blue, commenting on how Blue is practically his kid.
Obviously the fact that he's been building a cabin for three years
means he is TOTALLY desperate to get back to his surrogate child.
He hasn't completely forgotten about the love he shares for the overgrown, feral chicken that betrayed him twice.
And thankfully Star-Lord pretty much says he's not interested, and neither should she be.
but Heels tells him he's a "good man".
So all we can draw from this is that apparently
Star-Lord and Heels broke up after they got together from the last film,
which was after they broke up and after they got together originally,
leading them to get together in this film.
But, duh, what the fuck ever.
The writers think it's cute to keep tearing them apart and slamming them back together,
so we're gonna have to watch another film of that, I guess.
So that night, Star-Lord checks out some old recordings of him and Blue bonding
when she was a puppy dinosaur, and it's adorable.
The point is that he's coming too, 'cause why the fuck not.
We then get two new characters along with the ones we already have.
'Tech Guy' (who is good with tech) and 'Biology Girl' (who is good with biology on dinosaurs,
despite never having seen a dinosaur in real life?).
The film points this out, as if it totally makes sense.
Um... okay?
They eventually arrive at Isla Nublar and we find that there is already a huge set of foot soldiers here.
Teams of people preparing for the dino capturing, basically The Lost World again.
And and I'm gonna pause here. I'm not mad, okay? I'm not mad. Let's just think about this a little bit more.
The island is filled with dinosaurs. There's no protection on it, since people can just roll up illegally
without being stopped, and these guys are the only faction that tried to take a dinosaur?
You're telling me that people are going to end up shelling out millions by the end of this film to buy these things,
upwards of $30 million for a single dinosaur,
and none of them care about getting as many as they want, of any species, for free in the last three years?
This is public knowledge, it was a massive worldwide park.
Its shutdown would have been a major story throughout the world.
Could you imagine how many poachers or pirates would try for this shit? There could be a full-on industry.
Hell, that is the point the film is making at the end, that you could set yourself up for life
by selling just ONE of them. It should be easy, since some of them escaped already, remember?
(Ah, fuck it. Turn your brain off, we're having fun.)
Our team of heroes is joined by 'Buffalo Bill', who will play the evil hunter for this film.
First thing they do is ripoff Jurassic Park. Because, I mean, what else can happen in these films
outside of the scene where they all look surprised by the Brachiosaurus walking past?
(We've got to get that one in don't we, folks?)
Next, Buffalo Bill takes them to a base to activate a tracking system, that has to be
activated by Heels, and no one else. And it lights up all the dinosaurs on the island.
Heels and Tech Guy stay in the station, and the rest go to capture Blue, while the
troops all capture dinosaurs across the island. They eventually reach Blue, and Star-Lord calms her down.
But one of the troops fires a tranq a little too early.
(I don't know why. The troops are evil so that's probably enough for him to do it, I suppose.)
Blue kind of flips out because of this and tries to eat one of the troops,
so they shoot her with a single pistol shot and she's down.
Now TRY and follow me on this 'cause the film starts to lose its shit:
As a result of what just happened, Star-Lord charges Buffalo Bill, and Bill shoots him with a sedative.
Which then leads to 'Biology Person' pulling a gun on Bill, and she says if they shoot her, she can't save Blue.
And so they make a deal to let her live in exchange for saving the raptor's life.
So they all leave to evacuate the island, with Blue and the dinosaurs, leaving Star-Lord behind,
knocked out on the ground.
I'm sorry, I cannot resist...
What the fuck?!
The good guys are blown away by the fact that the troopers just shot a fucking dinosaur,
when she was in the process of killing a man.
Since when do we value the lives of dinosaurs over the people in this expedition?
Why is it unreasonable to shoot a dinosaur that's eating your face?
The good guys are AGAIN blown away by Buffalo Bill then shooting Star-Lord with a tranq,
when it's absolutely reasonable. I probably would've done the same thing if I was holding a
tranquilizer rifle and a muscle built, angry man was charging at me.
But no, this makes him reprehensible now.
Thirdly, we have the biology asshole pulling a gun on Bill because what? He defended himself?
She's taking a strong forward step to defend someone she doesn't even know here.
Like why does she care so much about Star-Lord? Better yet, why doesn't she care about him at all seconds later?
Think about this, for fuck's sake:
'Biology Asshole' decides to threaten Bill's life for the sole reason that her friend was shot with a tranq.
Buffalo Bill looks pretty confused, and then he says: "Well you're outgunned".
I'm not kidding. The biology person just picks up the gun and demands not to be killed,
when they didn't even have guns on her in the first place.
Is there dialogue missing here? I know the troops are evil. The trailer makes it very clear.
"It was all a LIE!"
But you could have had a better reason for the 'turn' than this nonsense.
On top of it, we have Biology Girl just agreeing to leave Star-Lord behind.
Why not demand that he's taken with you? Otherwise you won't save the raptor?
Why are you leaving him to die? Do you not care?
Oh is this so we can have that funny scene where he moves his arms, one by one, to escape the lava?
Ha haooooo...
It's annoying to think that this entire scenario was created
because one of the troopers fired too early with his tranq gun.
Other than that, everything is to plan from the perspective of the good guys.
Like I said, the film treats it like one faction betrays the other here, which they actually do a little bit later,
but they haven't done it yet. All I can see here is the troops protecting themselves and their own men.
Why was the trooper too early anyway?
What exactly was Star-Lord going to do in this scenario that would've made tranquilizing Blue
more reasonable in a minute from now?
And should I even bother mentioning that putting a man down with a tranq meant for a dinosaur
should probably have some repercussions? Like I don't know, I imagine it would kill him?
Instead, he just wakes up about 10 minutes later.
(sigh)
Anyway, the troops then head into the beach to try and evacuate the animals,
but because 'betrayal' is now in effect,
they lock Heels and Tech Guy into the station that monitors the dinosaurs, in an attempt to kill them?
Meaning that they definitively want to KILL the four good guys now.
So, why didn't they execute Star-Lord?
(God damn it, stop punishing me for thinking.)
So Bill calls Bad Guy and they talk about how innumerably important Blue is,
and he will get a bonus for it.
This is important for later.
Meanwhile Tech Guy and Heels begin to see lava pouring into the station,
and I guess that's how the bad guys expected them to die there?
That's just silly...
But the Tech Guy almost easily hacks a door open,
which the bad guys should have known about because he did it right in front of them earlier, and he even
insulted them for assuming he couldn't do it. So why was this the plan to kill them instead of shooting them?
That's really fucking silly...
Tech Guy then hacks the terminal and opens up this random, ridiculously long tube that leads outside.
Instead of them using the ladder to go up immediately, or opening the front door, they open a giant tube.
That's just fucking silly, why the big tube for fuck's sake?
Unluckily for them,
the moment they open this giant tube, a random dinosaur just happens to walk in the other end.
He's big enough to be a massive threat, but small enough, of course, to fit in the tube and the room.
Why not? It's not like THAT would be fucking silly...
So the creature gets in, but the lava falling in through the ceiling protects our heroes
as they climb up the ladder to safety.
And my god, fuck off, you stupid scene.
The volcano is now erupting violently, and once they get atop the facility,
Heels and 'Tech Man' bump right into Star-Lord as he's running from the lava.
Well gee, isn't that lucky?
I wonder if he'll end up saving them...
They run together until they bump right into one of the old gyrosphere things.
Gee, that's just such gosh, darn luck!
But they can't get into it right away. So they decide to hide behind a log,
and I shit you not,
the dinosaurs begin to slowly chop away at it, piece by piece from either side,
reducing it down to a nub. Instead of just going through the center straightaway.
It's so laughably done, I'm just reminded of "Kill Bill".
"Go home to your mother!"
So there's a few dinosaur fights, explosions and screaming that leads to our group falling into the ocean,
right before the volcano catches up and... yeah, Star-Lord gets engulfed by volcanic smoke.
I I don't science, so if he should be dead here then... I mean... cool. But I, you know, I don't know. It looks cool.
That's obviously what they were going for.
And then we get the scene where the submerged ball is sinking slowly and filling with water.
It's mostly a single shot panning around with loads of interaction from the creatures, the eruption
and Star-Lord swimming around as he looks for a way to get them out.
(Um, yeah. It was pretty awesome... Goddamn. My cold, dead heart just had to beat there, didn't it?)
So they make it to shore and Star-Lord explains that it was a double-cross.
He doesn't go into any detail about it,
because there is nothing that they were doing that wasn't a part of the plan.
So I'm just confused FOR our characters. Heels even shouts that "It was all a lie",
which isn't something she can say yet because, like I said, everything is going to plan.
The rescue of these dinosaurs is still in effect.
What's the lie exactly, ya twat?
I understand that they tried to kill you here, but I feel like this dialogue is only present
because the movie one to just go along with the bad guys being bad guys,
from the audience and character perspective, when we haven't even heard from the auction yet.
We we don't know anything about it.
(And by the way, we're almost halfway through the film.)
This is practically an admission that if not for the one trigger-happy guy earlier,
everything would be running as if there were no bad guys.
Please get your plot together, film. What the fuck ya doing?
We then see Buffalo Bill yank a tooth right out of the jaw of a herbivore.
This is incredibly important because the third act rests on this point. No, I'm not fucking kidding.
This guy's 'teeth collecting' habit will define the finale for this film.
So please remember it.
Heels then declares that the only reason they had all of the good guys come was to capture Blue.
All of them were for that purpose and nothing else.
Hmm...
Anyway, the troops all leave the island on the boat
and our heroes are right behind them; in what is a wonderfully, summer, action blockbuster scene.
They bump into a vacant truck and use it to drive off the edge of the dock, and land on the ship.
Incredible!
Should I point out how stupid it is that it was left that close to the ship, instead of used by the other people?
Especially when there was apparently a space for it? And that space ends up being perfect for our heroes.
Not to mention that no one seems to care to check who was driving that truck,
since all of the troopers are supposed to assume these guys are dead.
But whatever, Heels puts a hat on so it's fucking fine apparently.
Soon after that, there's this really well shot, but utterly cheesy moment, where a
Brachiosaurus is standing at the dock, staring at the ship leave, while making complainy sounds.
The smoke engulfs it and I think we're supposed to cry, most of the people on the ship do,
but why is there only one dinosaur on this dock? Where the hordes?
Why does it look at the boat like it'll save him when he can't possibly understand what it even is?
And it's just so bizarre that they built the park next to this volcano.
I suppose it was dormant at the time so that makes sense...
(sigh) It's just so sad. Heels cried. She she cries a lot.
The Bad Guy that meets up with Arnim Zola. He's in the film to play the evil auctioneer,
and now the audience finds out what the nefarious purpose behind all of the troopers was.
They are capturing dinosaurs to sell them on the black market, to make millions.
Meaning this scene should have been edited in well before the Blue scene,
because... it would actually make this a lot easier to follow, but whatever.
Bad Guy pitches Zola that he can sell the dinosaurs to the military, because why not.
They try this stupid bullshit before, remember that?
"These animals can replace thousands of boots on the ground, how many lives would that save?"
"War is part of nature."
(screaming)
The film was criticized for this, but they doubled down for the sequel.
Laughably, there's an attempt to justify it, as if the writers are talking to the critics,
by bringing up how humans have used animals in combat throughout history.
The examples are:
horses (which, yes but we have vehicles now, dumbass),
elephants (which, yes but we have tanks now, dumbass)
and finally, diseased rats.
He references the use of diseased rats during war to explain why we should pick up using dinosaurs in war.
For Christ's sake.
You know what? I'm gonna come back to that.
He goes on to say that the Indominus rex took down the entirety of Jurassic World, alone.
It's an incredible weapon and a great basis for the new creatures,
while basically pointing to the bone from the beginning.
But the security system, and well, the plot of that film, is utter horseshit.
I might make a video for it at some point, but until then, you can always watch Wolf eviscerate it instead.
Yeah, I know. He's absolutely the worst thing on the planet, I know, but Jurassic World is even worse.
[Wolf has since closed his channel]
So anyway, they have apparently created a brand new dinosaur to rival the Indominus rex, called the Indoraptor.
It's the Indominus rex, but smaller, and without the ability to camouflage,
or the ability to be undetectable thermally.
Also, it has a yellow stripe. How is this an improvement?
Well, he goes on to say that thanks to Star-Lord's research, it follows human commands.
I can't wait to see how they're gonna explain that fucking nonsense.
Anyway, the little girl overheard the whole conversation, and she decides to share it with Discount Hammond.
But we get the fucking "not now, kiddo" trope, where he tells her to go to bed because she's too young to be up.
Despite the fact that she is telling him directly that his
inheritor is going to auction off the dinosaurs, and betray his entire life's work.
Despite the fact that she is THAT specific and direct about it, he says: "Oh, you must have misheard them".
(sigh)
He then moves on to say that he'll listen to her in the morning, not now.
(Which if you've seen any other film before, you know that means he's already dead.)
So we cut back to the ship and our heroes find that Blue is bleeding to death. Still, from that gunshot.
You know the one from hours ago? Yeah, Blue is still alive despite "hemorrhaging" since the shot.
That's the word the film uses by the way, not me.
How do you survive hemorrhaging for hours when you're a fucking velociraptor? That's just fu-
So Star-Lord then declares to all the characters that this whole thing is for an auction.
I don't know how he found this out.
I think there's a scene that's been cut, because... he like didn't ask a random soldier or hear a conversation.
They treated as though he watched the scene with Zola like we did.
Either way, he knows know. Whatever.
So I have to ask the bad guy something here in relation to what we saw earlier:
If the reveal is going to be that the animals are being auctioned off instead of saved
(which will turn the good guys against you,
and they can only find out about this as early as being well into the boat ride),
then you could have had the good guys helping you all the way up to now.
You could easily have maintained the lie.
In fact, the good guys are risking their lives to save a dinosaur, despite knowing the truth right now.
A dinosaur that you want alive to get more money for. So why not play it cool and capture them, or kill them,
once they find out the truth? Instead of betraying them as early as the moment you downed Blue?
As far as they knew, you were still helping them, for fuck's sake.
It's such a bizarre circumstance.
The tranq dart they shot into Star-Lord could easily have been shaken off as a misunderstanding.
Like, funnily enough, when it happens in Jurassic Park 3?
They knock out Grant and it's just treated as fine,
because that's something humans do do when you get angry.
But no, the bad guys are just retarded. Yet the story is still working out for them.
Obviously once we get to Act 3 that won't be the case.
Anyway, they need to get a transfusion for Blue since she's bleeding out, still.
and then there's there's some dialogue that actually happens that...
This is this is dialogue from the film, okay?
Biology Girl says: "You have to get a carnivore (because only carnival blood will work),
and it has to be one with two or three fingers".
Why?
Is it because those requirements means that the subject has to be the T.rex?
If we ignore the fact that they clearly wrote this to involve the T. rex in a fan service-y way,
how in the world does the T. rex blood work on a Velociraptor exactly?
Wouldn't the raptor's blood reject the shit out of that? Since they're completely different species?
Phhoar! This whole film is so well written...
So Biology Girl sends them to go get the blood. They open up the cage of the T. rex
and fumble around it for a while, until they get to sap the blood out into the bag,
and there's this tension-filled moment where the dinosaur breaks free of its leg chain?
It nearly eats Star-Lord after roaring its lungs out,
but then they successfully get out, with the blood, and walk back and save Blue.
Well, well, what the fuck...
Why are they no stationed guards on the Tyranno-fucking-saurus rex?
Seems like the one that's most dangerous, so you might wanna have someone keeping an eye on it,
you idiots.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
I guess it's chains could be broken open!
Come to think of it, why is it so easy to do that, when the cage is designed for a goddamn T. rex?
Do they not need to repair that now? Is it going to escape?
It's all tied up later so I don't... how does this shit work?
Like why was no one alerted so the fucking roars and destruction of the cage,
not to mention the chains being broken and the screams from Heels.
Some guys literally went past one minute before, and they don't hear all of this? Come on.
Also, how the fuck did she know how to do this to a T.rex? To sap blood out of it?
Oh wait, I know why.
'Biology Lady' asks If anyone can find a vein, and I shit you not, Heels says this:
"Oh!"
"Oh! Okay!"
"Well that makes it okay then!"
Since fucking WHEN was that a thing?
She just did a blood drive with the Red Cross at some point,
and found someone's vein, which now leads her to be able to get blood from a Tyrannosaurus rex.
What is... what happened to the script?
We then cut to the little girl breaking into the underground lab below the mansion
(No, I don't know what the hell she's doing here, let's find out).
She walks into a random room and just, you know,
sits at a chair and goes to computer and hits the spacebar on a video.
I... okay?
Apparently someone left it on, and that's the thing she wanted to do.
Lucky there's no security or workers around, aye?
Like, I don't know, the specific worker who left this on screen? Eh, fuck it.
The video showed that the raptors would attack Star-Lord if ever he showed himself to be weak,
while Blue would nurture him. Blue is morally and empathetically superior to the other raptors.
Which is kinda bullshit considering the previous movie,
but this is here to set up Blue as the superhero of the franchise, so just fucking go with it.
And it's lucky that the little girl and the audience saw this video, because without that
it would be very difficult to accept Blue as a superhero later on.
But it doesn't stop there, the little girl discovers Dr. Wu!
(Remember him from the last one? Yeah, neither do I.)
Well he's been working on this project and it is revealed that he wants Blue,
because she can imprint on the next Indoraptor; providing it "empathy and obedience".
Do they realize that Blue is not fucking empathetic or obedient when it comes to the people she eats?
Yes, she likes Star-Lord, but let's assume that's fucked because of THIS fiasco,
Not to mention the surgery that Blue wailed and cried through. I doubt she's gonna trust anyone anymore.
What is it you hope to achieve here?
Have the new thing look at Blue as a mother, so it'll listen to you?
Every plan you ever come up with for control ends in a fucking mess
and yet you constantly assume you got it THIS time.
Oh... oh god, that's the theme isn't it?
"Man creates that which it cannot hope to control".
People are gonna justify the writing with the themes again!
Noooooo!
So then the little girl is caught by Bad Guy and locked in her room.
Meanwhile, our heroes wake up and see that they are running out of time, before reaching port.
Tech Guy gets pulled away to help a sailor move rope?
This is very random at first, but it will become incredibly important without a lick of sense behind it later.
So remember that.
They move all the dinosaurs from the ship onto a convoy,
our heroes join the convoy in a truck, and move with it.
Discount Hammond has a meeting with Bad Guy. Apparently he now knows for a fact what he's done.
(I'm gonna go ahead and hazard a guess that his butler told him)
He says what's happening is wrong,
and that he will DEFINITELY call the police if he wasn't so old, frail and near death.
So he asks Bad Guy to just do it for him? So instead, Bad Guy just kills him.
He um... he says his motivation is making money... and then he just kills him.
(sigh)
Just scraping the bottom of the barrel for narrative progression here, aren't we?
He also has the iconic walking stick smashed in this scene, and no I'm not making any jokes about
how it represents the Jurassic franchise, since that shit was dead from the second and third films alone.
Fucking ringtone dinosaur's stupid...
Our heroes are then spotted and captured by Buffalo Bill, moments before they can make an escape.
It's actually kind of lame, not unrealistic, just lame.
[They didn't] consider running when they were at the dock?
Or separating from the convoy at all, at some other point?
Hell, they could even have had Heels jump out into the forest, but nah...
They just waited for an off-road to get to a town, and wouldn't you know it,
right before they could, Bill captured them.
The dinosaurs are then taken down into the basement of the research center and locked up,
as is the same for Star-Lord and Heels.
The villain is then given his opportunity to share his motivation in full, explaining what his purpose here is.
And it's fucking laughable.
He explains that he wants to exploit the animals for money,
just like Heels did all those years ago by signing off on the Indominus rex.
So you see? They are no different. And I shit you not, she is stunned by this. She has no argument for him.
But since I do this shit for a living,
let me help you Heels, ya fucking tool.
Heels considers her actions in Jurassic World to now be morally wrong,
and has since tried to rectify them by creating her dumbass help center for dinosaurs
(that they don't have access to).
However stupid it may be, this means she thinks that you are doing something wrong,
and that she's made this mistake before.
Secondly, Bad Guy lied to everyone involved outside of the mercenaries.
He lied to get the specialists to come, and he lied to Discount Hammond to fund everything.
Heels didn't lie to anyone when she signed for the Indominus rex.
Thirdly, it was a product she helped create and sell on a legal market.
The public understood what they were buying, as did those who were developing it.
Bad Guy is doing this ILLEGALLY with an attempt to run it through the black market instead.
Finally, Bad Guy is willing to have people kidnapped and killed to complete his vision,
while Heels canceled the entire thing once a single life was threatened.
You two are very fucking far away from each other in terms of characters,
but Heels is too retarded to understand that.
This is such a weak effort to make the villain understandable. Please try... a little harder next time.
Also bad guy says that Star-Lord failed to realize how he could have sold his work.
Which still doesn't make sense, since all he did was feed raptors and hang around as they grew up.
This is apparently 'revolutionary' in making the dinosaurs something obedient,
despite the fact that they actively tried to murder him.
So the conversation ends with Bad Guy saying that as far as the world is concerned,
Star-Lord and Heels both burned up on the island.
But... he doesn't kill them.
He just keeps them in prison... for no fucking reason at all.
Brilliant.
So anyway, the little girl escapes her room and finds Discount Hammond has died.
So she goes down the dumbwaiter before anyone can find her.
Meanwhile, the bad guy and Zola welcome the buyers to the auction.
Lucky for our heroes, they discover that there is a Stygimoloch in the cell next to theirs.
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
What? Is that seriously in the promotional stuff?
"We have a Stygimoloch..."
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
Ugh, whatever. So it's like a video game,
Star-Lord can just whistle and the thing will attack the wall he is near,
thus releasing both the dinosaur and our heroes from their cells. It's that fucking easy, folks!
Why didn't you just kill them, Bad Guy? Was it because they can escape and fuck everything up?
We then see the auction is in full effect, and the assets are being sold for millions. Wait millions?
I honestly would expect these things to sell for a hell of a lot more,
considering every aspect of what they represent and how difficult they are to acquire, but there we are.
Not gonna focus on that, I'm not a dinosaur salesman, just a YouTube scientist.
So the dinosaurs are sold,
and some are transported immediately with the black market person who bought them
(sure to return in a sequel).
Meanwhile our heroes bump into the little girl and try to escape with her.
She went down to the basement for some reason, I don't know.
Then the auction is introduced to the Indoraptor.
It's given massive praise and the audience goes wild trying to buy it.
Our heroes witness it, and decide that they can't let it leave the area. They have to stop it.
The Indoraptor, of which I shall simply call Yellow
because of the goofy strip they gave it to oppose Blue (very clever, film), is revealed to have a
lasing target system that allows it to... hang on.
They have a gun, it shoots a laser, the laser... has to target something and then they hit a button,
and it makes it so that the Indoraptor goes insane and tries to kill whatever that laser was pointing at.
So THIS is going to have military applications? THIS is what you consider to be following human commands?
All right, what the fuck...
They said Star-Lord's research has helped them figure out controlling this thing.
"It responds to human commands".
How is it that you managed to convert some research,
like a random fucking guy feeding puppy-like creatures bits of meat,
into laser technology that can render a hyper-intelligent raptor into a fucking house cat?
How the fuck does that work?
I love how this thing's potency is explained by it coming from the bone of the fucking Indominus rex,
and that thing managed to destroy Jurassic World, remember?
Except it escaped because some fucking idiot opened a door,
because everyone walked inside its fucking paddock
before checking its goddamn tracker! Fuck you!
The Indominus rex was just lucky in that film. It even got killed by a T.rex.
And don't forget the pterodactyl bit, with the fucking helicopter (oh my god that movie sucked).
The point here, is you need to give up the militarization bullshit. It is so cartoony and stupid.
Dinosaurs are knocked out with as much as one fucking bullet, as shown in this film.
They would be shit in a war.
Dinosaurs need to be fed, sheltered, groomed and rested. They are massive creatures with massive needs.
They would be shit in a war.
Dinosaurs need to be able to actually tell the difference between civilians and enemies.
I guess that feeding them from birth will make it so they never attack their own team, like Blue does.
Fuck off, that's stupid.
They would be shit... in a war.
Dinosaurs are weak to gas, wonky terrain, explosives, enemy shrapnel... They're also huge targets.
They would be shit, in a war!
What the hell are they gonna do against a shotgun? Run up to a guy and fucking hope he doesn't fire?
They, would be shit, in a war!
Don't try and justify it by referencing the fact that Soviets once used diseased rats.
How the fuck is that the same thing, you donkey?
(Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to turn my brain off? That's how you enjoy bad films, right?)
So Star-Lord decides that in order to prevent the Indoraptor from leaving the area,
he will unleash the Stygimoloch onto the crowd,
while he stops the Indoraptor from being provided to the customer.
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
Fuck off, you completely idiotic cretins. How do you not foresee this incredibly stupid decision for what it is?
Releasing that dinosaur will kill many people. Why are you doing it?
Oh right, to prevent a different dinosaur from being released resulting in killing people,
when it was already caged. For fuck's sake.
Lo and behold the Stygimoloch starts arbitrarily killing people.
Several are impaled, while other's backs are simply broken.
While this is happening, Star-Lord starts to dominate all of the enemy soldiers in a fight.
Why? Well, he's been retired for three years, and an animal trainer for several years before that.
But, he was in the Navy at some point,
so that means he can beat all of these armored, armed and trained fucking guards.
He seriously wipes through five of them and achieves his goal of making Yellow stay in the room,
while many of the customers have just been killed in the background.
So Buffalo Bill shows up. He's demanding his pay for the capture of the animals
and he's interested in how crowds of people are fleeing in terror from the building.
We also see the Stygimoloch run away (so there's another loose end for you).
But Yellow is still confined to a cage so... everything's okay, right? There's no threatening bad guy in this film.
Well, Bill goes into the room (and I'm not fucking kidding here),
he hits Yellow with two tranq darts and walks into its cage,
while leaving the fucking cage door open, and goes to try and get a tooth.
Why the fuck would he do that?
This is so beyond stupid. Fuck you, film.
Fuck you for not having any faith in your audience's brains.
You couldn't even TRY to write something better than that?
To release the movie monster, every goddamn time in these films, it's always some STUPID reason.
The whole point about this is being unable to control life.
Life, that through chaos, finds a way to escape the bonds we put on it in the first place.
Why is it that the first film is the only one that actually manages to send this message?
The rest of them just throw their fucking hands up in the air and say:
"Well, I dunno. The T.rex just killed everyone on board somehow".
Or: "They all walked into the enclosure
because they were fucking curious about the deadliest predator on the planet".
Or: "Some stupid asshole has a teeth collection". Fuck you.
So the raptor wakes up and eats Bill (shocking). From there, it turns out that Zola hasn't actually left the room,
and decides that now is his opportunity to run.
What the fuck have you been doing this whole time, you absolute wanker?
he gets into the elevator and closes it before Yellow can reach him,
but Yellow accidentally breaks the elevator button... and it just opens up the door, resulting in Zola's death.
(sigh) We need to have a chat about merciless killings, film.
Also, need I remind you... that we are now in a position, where the genetically modified dinosaur,
is the one that's going to be killing people, again.
And who's gonna stop it? Well, it's gonna be the same people again!
Whoo-hoo.
So then we have this utterly fucking bizarre scene where our heroes bump into the bad guy,
and he just explains to our heroes (and the audience) that the little girl... is a fucking clone.
She is a clone!
Apparently Discount Hammond made a clone of his daughter, because she died in a car crash,
and the little girl is that clone. Actual Hammond broke off their partnership because of that,
and I find myself asking:
"Oh my god, who the hell cares?"
We barely fucking knew this girl. We don't know Discount Hammond at all.
This reveal is fucking pointless, unless it's going to be the reason for something later...
Oh god.
Anyway, Yellow arrives and kills the bodyguard people (nobody cares).
Then Dr. Wu and his supplies are shipped off-site so he can return for the third film. Wonderful.
At the same time, Tech Guy just fucking shows up.
He was asked to carry off a bit of rope and work as a sailor. Now he's a scientist... helping Dr. Wu.
How did that happen?
Using this position, he frees Biology Girl and she frees Blue onto the remaining soldiers,
who are so inept, they can't fire a fucking gun when more than a meter away from a dinosaur.
Resulting in their deaths.
We have a "[The] Last Jedi" moment here too. The room is filled with people,
then the tech guy does some "traitor" stuff, and then they're all just gone... by the time he turns around.
They're all out of earshot as well apparently 'cause there's lots of screams and gunfire.
Wonderful filmmaking.
Did I mention by the way, one of the bullets that were randomly fired during the scene,
opened up a canister of gas, ready to blow.
Our heroes sprint from the room immediately, but Blue hasn't quite gotten the realization yet.
But once Blue sniffs the gas, she realizes it's about to blow
and so jumps out of the room, like Ethan-fucking-Hunt. Just before the flames reach her.
This is so cheesy.
As a result of all this, 'Chemical X' begins to seep into the compound,
threatening the lives of all the dinosaurs that are locked up.
And then, instead of escaping, Yellow has decided to chase the ever-loving shit out of the little girl.
To the point where it climbed all the way over the roof of the mansion to the other side,
and drops down into her room where she's hiding.
Why not escape, you retarded turkey. You're supposed to be intelligent, stop hanging around.
I would also like to point out that this thing is free, as a result of Star-Lord's plan to prevent it from getting free.
(sigh)
So next up there is a scene where Star-Lord shoots Yellow with three live bullets.
It does nothing and he runs out of ammo.
I I I don't even, with this fucking film. Is Yellow immune to bullets now?
You even gonna bother explaining that one? Of course fucking not.
Not to mention that Star-Lord only had three bullets in the gun? Damn, that's just unlucky.
Anyway, moments before they die, Blue comes in and saves the day.
She seriously beats the shit out of Yellow, just as much as the reverse happens,
over and over again until they all end up, somehow, on a roof.
Blue, Yellow, Heels, Star-Lord, little girl, they're all there.
And it's like a big standoff, because the roof is dangerous and you could fall right through it.
So Heels comes up with the fantastic idea, of using the gun with the laser sight on Star-Lord.
And it's clear by the end of the scene that she wanted Yellow to jump for him, and kill itself.
But until that even comes close to happening, it honestly looks like she wants to fucking kill him,
and I couldn't help but laugh.
She just lays him up, when she could have done the exact same fucking thing with the floor he was on,
or the roof itself, but... she didn't even try that.
So Yellow jumps and Blue jumps onto it to make sure it falls down,
and slams Yellow onto the horns of the fossil below them in the trophy room.
Look how big that fucking room is. What are the odds it fell through the only dangerous part?
Fuck you.
So the Indoraptor is just dead, died the exact same way as the Master did for fuck's sake.
But it's not over, our heroes return to the control room,
because they have to decide to free the dinosaurs onto the world, or let them die in captivity to Chemical X.
They decide to let them die, since anything else would be a MASSIVE fucking mistake.
But, unbeknownst to the adults,
the little girl... hits the button and sets them free.
And she says: "It's because they are clones", like she is.
What the fuck, woman?!
Are they actually employing the "naive animal lover" trope here as well? Come on!
Do you know how many people these creatures will kill/have killed in your own universe?
How many carnivores you just released?
There are four adults in that room and you couldn't stop her?
(sigh)
So as a result of this, the main bad guy (yeah, remember him?), he's just standing outside.
He didn't leave this whole fucking time?
We last saw him just after Star-Lord beat up those five guys, ages ago,
and since then he's only made it to his fucking car... a handful of meters.
Fuck you, film.
So obviously he gets eaten by the T.rex,
'cause the T. rex is essentially the hero at the end of a film, that eats the bad guy.
No, I don't know why they keep doing this.
It's getting really weird 'cause the T. rex is also a horrible monster in these films, but whatever.
But yeah, he's dead, his men are dead, and the deaths just keep clocking in.
Hope you're happy, children of the world, to see these dinosaurs. Hope it was worth all these people's lives.
Blue then turns up and says that: "You know, I like you Star-Lord, a lot,
but we have a purely platonic thing. No Lando-femputer stuff". And so it just... it just leaves.
We'll we'll see it again. Next film. It's done its job.
We then hear a commentary going over how people, all over the world, are now generating dinosaurs
alongside all the ones that escaped. And it has converted our planet into:
Jurassic World... (cringe).
Oh and that commentator, by the way, that was Jeff-fucking-Goldblum. Remember him?
"There are incredible new dinosaurs, an exploding volcano, and Dr. Ian Malcolm's back!"
"Taiwan, this is..."
"Dr. Malcolm."
"Jeff Goldblum, not gonna lie, that's pretty awesome."
"There are terrifying new dinosaurs, an exploding island, and Jeff Goldblum's back!"
"Hello everybody I'm Jeff Goldblum, and gee um um I'm so um thrilled to be back as Dr. Ian Malcolm."
They really knew how to market this, didn't they?
He was in it for less than two minutes, I hope to Christ you didn't watch it for him, folks.
He didn't even remotely affect the story whatsoever. Fuck you, do you work for Hello Games?
"No." (laugh)
Shut the fuck up, let's summarize:
Tech Guy was barely in the movie and he popped up whenever his skills were needed
to open doors or save people, including an unexplained, yet massively beneficial, appearance to
release Blue, save Biology Girl and release the entirety of the dinosaurs, but fuck it!
Did I mention his screaming by the way?
(obnoxious screaming)
(more obnoxious screaming)
"How is this bette-"
(even more obnoxious screaming)
Yeah, it was horrible.
Biology Girl only turns up to save Blue in like every scene, and that's fucking it.
She's just Blue's life preserver on this whole movie, and it wouldn't have been necessary
If not for the fact that they had an "nontroversy" over on the island.
"You watch the movie and it's a..."
(laughing)
"Did you coin that word just now?"
"Yes."
"A 'nontroversy?'"
"A 'nontroversy.'"
"Thank you, Rich".
Discount Hammond was old, and came out of fucking nowhere.
I love how you bait old, classic characters in the marketing and then invent your own old characters,
wedging them into the classic characters, as if they were there all along.
They weren't, fuck off.
But he does serve to enable the psychopathic money-hungry villain, who's honestly not a character.
He's willing to fucking kidnap people, kill them, and send his entire legacy to the grave,
so that he can have more money?
He would have inherited the fucking mansion, and the old dude's money the moment he was dead.
But nah, he had to enter the black market and sell dinosaurs? Is is that all you got film?
He's evil and wants money?
Fuck off.
And him revealing that the little girl was a clone didn't have any bearing on the scene.
It felt like he said it to explain to the audience why we've never met Discount Hammond before.
Can you please stay away from the first film? It's great. Get your sticky fingers off it.
Don't "Terminator Genisys" me here.
Which takes us to Star-Lord and Heels, who fucking kiss at the end of the film.
They've been baiting their relationship by going off again and on again, three damn times actually.
Go away!
At least she got to feel better about essentially causing all this shit in her own way in the first film.
Fucking Heels...
Buffalo Bill was a prick who collected teeth, and managed to essentially keep the film going
when it would have normally just shunted to a grinding halt.
Without his stupid, fucking, retarded teeth collection, everything would have ended differently so...
Fuck you, Bill. I preferred it when you collected skin.
Arnim Zola was in the film, why?
Dr. Wu was there to explain how things are made,
when his points just added more questions to the fucking narrative.
And then there's Yellow and Blue. Yellow is a fucking laughing stock.
The super-intelligent 'faking its own weaknesses' raptor
(that ends up deciding to go on a rampage to chase a little girl instead of getting the fuck out of the area),
ends up dying to the "Iron Man" of the Jurassic series, Blue.
What a fucking mess Blue is at this point.
They treated her as a trained dog that would absolutely bite the hand,
to now be a loyal hero that watches over all the main characters.
Blue can sense your morality, and kills people based on that. It's fucking rubbish.
Do you guys remember this scene?
"Hold your fire! Do not fire!"
"Put 12 amps in these animals, they're never trust me again."
Yeah, well fuck that. You can abandon Blue for three years,
you can tranq Blue twice, shoot it with a pistol, bleed it out for hours,
only to perform deep surgery that causes massive amounts of pain...
All the while, we get to have Star-Lord present in these events, yet Blue will still love you for no fucking reason.
Oh, sorry. I forgot that scene that retcons the entire relationship you had with that fucking thing.
Blue loves you no matter what, and honestly,
you could probably just summon Blue in the next film to save the day, or die doing it.
(I'm I'm almost certain that's gonna happen.)
Speaking of Blue, the whole reason that all the heroes got to the island and got involved in all of this, IS Blue.
Heels says that in the film.
All four of them are there to capture and stabilize her, but InGen ever got to use her in the film.
She escapes and murders people BECAUSE of the people you told to bring her in.
Imagine the amount of stupid bullshit that would have been AVOIDED
had they NEVER brought in these good guys.
Why do they have the power to know about Blue, to access the grids and the security,
but they can't fucking turn on a tracking system without Heels? Fuck off, movie.
That was the only reason they were brought in. It's so contrived.
This film's script is beyond fucked. It's all about luck, good and bad, or just utter nonsense.
It's it's it's lucky that Yellow fell on the horns.
It's unlucky that the teeth collector had this odd fetish and thus released Yellow, actually.
But it is lucky that no one cares that they arrived just in time on that ship,
and a... and a little cap will protect them from it.
Oh and it's lucky that Star-Lord's tranq only lasted 10 minutes or he would have been DEAD.
But it's unlucky that all those bad guys are just too inept to run away in this film,
so they can be swept up by dinosaurs, like the final guy getting eaten by a T.rex to his left,
that WE can't see because of the angle. But apparently he can't see it either,
even though it's... enormous.
(Just unlucky I guess).
Lucky Star-Lord just happens to bump into them while fleeing the volcano.
Lucky they only locked up the Tech Guy and Heels, instead of shooting them.
Lucky no notices that the T. rex went nuts on the ship.
Unlucky that some guy spotted you when you were in the car.
Lucky they ended up with a dinosaur right next to them that could release them from their cage.
Lucky the truck was just waiting for them, and ends up saving their lives.
This is on top of the fact that the drama is generated for no fucking reason.
Stupid Biology Girl just pulls the gun on Bill,
the doors are left open because the iPad got smashed, leading to the suburban Mosasaurus.
Fuck off.
You have absolutely no respect for the franchise that you're attempting to grow.
You took superficial elements, like shoving as many dinosaurs down our throats as possible,
while arbitrarily bringing back references, or characters,
to make us giddy to think we might experience an appreciation for this film.
As we did for the classic.
While at the same time you openly forget established rules to your universe, in order to tell your retarded story.
Site B exists, ya fucks. It practically undoes the entire plot of this film.
You acknowledge Malcolm, but not the island he spent most of his screen time on
because you just wanna get people in the cinema.
It's not that you want to tell a good fucking story.
Worldbuilding once again takes a backseat to tell a tale that doesn't work,
even when there is no universe behind it. Familiar anyone?
"Go away!"
And that's not to mention the goddamn villain for the film.
You you kill Discount Hammond... because you like money.
Motivations in the character, everything's just shit.
If the small dinosaur could release itself, why couldn't the huge ones do it?
Especially the one with the boulder tail, come on.
The girl released them all because she associates with her fellow clones?
Seriously? Who wrote that?
Why do the dinosaurs wait for the gates to be open, instead of ripping each other apart?
There's like tons of herbivores mixed in with carnivores, it's so stupid.
How can you sell this as 'dinosaurs are free on earth "Planet of the Apes" style',
when they can all be captured and killed easily with bullets?
So silly!
Stop trying to sell that dinosaurs can work in the military, that premise is utterly fucking retarded from the get-go.
It would be EXTREMELY specialized IF EVER it worked, and it is far from legal.
You gotta sell them on the black market so... who is this idea for? Fucking Russians or something?
They're gonna invade the U.S. atop a fucking T.rex?
(Actually that would be a better film, make that film.)
The point is that you're embarrassing yourself, movie... again.
And you know why I think this was made?
I I think this film was created solely to have shit tons of dinosaurs to please the audience, and that's it.
There's no story to tell, there's no world to set and build on, there's no message to deliver.
It's just fucking dinosaur time!
"And we're gonna see all the dinosaurs again that we all love so much in the first movie. We're gonna have Blue..."
"We have a Carnotaurus..."
"The Carnotaurus fights the Sinoceratops."
"In this Jurassic World, you will see more dinosaurs than you've ever seen before."
"We have the Mosasaurus..."
"We have the T. rex..."
"We have a Baryonyx in this movie..."
"In this Jurassic World,
you will see more dinosaurs than you've ever seen in all the other Jurassic movies combined."
"We have a brand new genetically modified dinosaur called the Indoraptor."
"There were scenes where we had so many dinosaurs in the same frame, that we had to make the frame bigger."
"We have a Stygimoloch..."
"We just all love the Stygimoloch."
Seriously fuck the Stygimoloch,
and fuck the absolutely VAPID characters relying on the charm of one guy.
A story that can't function without contrivance and complete luck.
The confusing fucking messages it DOES actually manage to send, such as:
How about we just fucking kill people randomly?
Star-Lord got a bunch of black market people killed, w... were they even evil?
Well, they had to be. They were... buying dinosaurs, that just makes them assholes.
Were the civilians, that they released the dinos onto, evil?
Well I fucking hope so.
This reminds me of the wonderful scene in the previous film,
where they fellate themselves over the death of this random, innocent babysitter,
and give her the most horrific scene in... all of the saga of the Jurassic films.
(laughing)
(laughing)
(laughing)
(applause)
So fucking stupid.
You could tell that this movie was created to set up the next one as well.
Just piles and piles of sequel bait, only to tell a nonsensical story in the interim.
Dinosaurs already escaped, you pillocks.
How about you account for those ones with a court case?
It's a real shame that we ended up with '[Rian] Johnson' level writing,
because you can do so much more than this.
Remember how we started?
(sigh) Ya fucked it up for a fourth time, boys. Ya screwed it up again.
Congratulations, can't wait to see you shit out the next one for this universe.
Excuse me, while I go back to watching The Lost World, with how bad that film is, it's still better than this mess.
"Hey! You!"
God, that's so stupid.
I need to do an 'Unbridled Praise' soon, my blood pressure doesn't need this kind of stress.
Maybe I can be... nice... for a second.
The movie had excellent camerawork.
The director and/or the cinematographer genuinely achieved something here.
Little girl's acting was like... phenomenal.
She cried on cue and pulled off a sense of despair, while actually being subdued... even though she's a kid.
Seriously good stuff.
On top of that, it's always fun to see dinosaurs eat people, even superficially.
And Chris Pratt is as wonderful as expected so, who knows. Maybe you'll love it.
Pity about the plot and the characters though, I guess.
See you around, folks. Thanks for watching.

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User Rating: 5 / 5

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[Applause]
ah
crap i'm still here
how's it hanging professor oh it's you
you rat i should have known get me down
from here you
big bastard you know you've got a very
negative attitude
all you do is criticize and belittle my
good
natured company blow it out your ass
your mega corporation
is trying to get a monopoly on all media
and you're watering down
culture as a whole in summary go fuck
yourself
oh boy i think you need a friend to help
you with your bad attitude
i have just the person for you send in
the gimp
the what
[Music]
i'll leave you two to get acquainted
kathleen kennedy's center regards
[Music]
so this is how it ends for me abandoned
to death by a disney gimp
i can't go out like this hey you simply
i want to strike a bargain oh let me do
one last review
for the fans i love soda
and then afterwards when you're having
your wicked way with me
i'll i'll call you daddy the whole time
oh yeah you'd like that wouldn't you
now get me down from here the blood is
rushing to my head
well here we are at the end of a trilogy
at the end of a legacy and the end
of a saga thank fuck
the rise of skywalker would be the end
of disney's trilogy
and a big middle finger for star wars
fans even after the miscarriage
that was their last jedi there were many
fans who wanted to watch the next
installment
not because they wanted to see a
fulfilling ending but because they
wanted to see how much it
sucked for me it was like revisiting a
car crash
you didn't want to return to the
catastrophe but you had to go
so you could identify the bodies and get
some closure
with the crater left behind by ryan
johnson's
dirty bomb that was the last jedi
director j.j
abrams had the unenviable task of trying
to do
damage control and give a conclusion to
this troubled trilogy
die hard fans hoped they would finally
get answers to all their questions
who was snoke who were rey's parents
how did the first order become so
powerful
and what does the rise of skywalker mean
i think the rise of skywalker it doesn't
answer anything oh
thanks for clearing that up kathy what
audience members got
wasn't a fulfilling conclusion to the
trilogy but a tabasco enema
courtesy of jj and disney let's begin
as with any star wars film you have the
opening call but this one was written by
someone with brain damage
the dead speak never underestimate a
troy
no not not that dead person we get some
garbled exposition
but also the big reveal is spoiled just
a few seconds in
the emperor is alive you couldn't wait
just
five minutes to reveal that show don't
tell
is the cornerstone of cinema you hacks
already
we can see the shitty caliber of film
we're going to experience
it would be nice if we could hear the
late emperor's broadcast
apparently we could in fortnight
as part of some weird promotion not
everyone is a 12 year old dabbing zoomer
so we miss out on a crucial plot element
why can't we see
people's reactions to turning on the
radio and hearing dj palpatine dropping
his latest hit
[Music]
the ambassador of hot topic kylo is back
and more determined than ever with angst
in his pants
and lightsaber in hand he acquires a
special map to the emperor's hidden
fortress of doom
there is a glut of mcguffins like this
crammed into the film
as jj struggles to write himself out of
this train
wreck follow this thing follow this
thing
follow this thing that helps the rebels
follow this thing
kylo travels to the emperor's dingy
retirement home
on some planet called excrement sorry
exigal
and we see the old fruit auditioning for
the walking dead
ah yes this contrivance the emperor
is back from the dead because jj can
only play the nostalgia card to get
people interested in these films
anakin and luke skywalker your fighting
and sacrifices have been undone
you accomplished nothing sorry gentlemen
fuck finality
nostalgia is all that matters also we
have these
pickled snokes floating about the
emperor says he made them
apparently to fill in for him i suppose
you need a hobby in isolation but this
only raises more questions
why did you make snokes how do you
control them
what are they made of is it pork jerky
so
that's the snoke mystery explained it's
quickly hand waved
get used to things being explained like
this because it happens a lot in this
cinematic
turd palpatine then unleashes a swarm of
imperial destroyers from under the
planet's icy surface
it may look dramatic when they rise but
it's very impractical and nonsensical
why bury these ships under tons of ice
wouldn't that damage the ships and
equipment all those
millions of poor stormtroopers who have
to go out and de-ice all these fucking
things now
because you had to be theatrical
emperor palpatine broke as a deal with
kylo unlimited power
in exchange for little miss floater
meanwhile the resistance lads
swing by a space iceberg for some leaked
intelligence from the empire
and a spot of dogfighting with the first
order once again
the millennium falcon gets chased by tie
fighters to a complex structure we see
the falcon
diving waving and shooting like the
previous films before it
and it's all so tedious now
jj tries to jolt a bit of life into this
overdone set piece
by having the falcon do mini hyperspace
jumps
that's a new gimmick but not thrilling
enough to stop me from slipping into a
boredom coma speaking of
way pay daisy ridley is levitating
using the power of her smug
self-satisfaction
she's trying to contact dead jedi for
guidance
but they won't return her calls
thankfully
one deceased person kept in touch bring
out your dad
gary fisher is back as b-roll footage
from the force awakens
edited to look new most of the time her
video ghost just stands there or we see
the back of her head
was it really necessary to implement the
late carrie fisher
or did jj need that extra nostalgia
boost she is overseeing
rey's training not that way needs it
what does she need to learn she can use
a lightsaber has telekinesis
speaks wookie speaks droid compile it
and shoot flawlessly
has all the jedi powers can defeat a
sith apprentice
has never lost an appendage or even got
a battle scar
put bluntly she's god her plot armor
is the most powerful in the galaxy and
once you realize this
her character becomes boring because you
know she'll never face any real hardship
after doing death defying stunts and
being a big show-off
it's time for other characters to be in
the spotlight for a change
per and co return to give the bad news
that the emperor is alive
which they'd know if they had a radio
turned on
somehow palpatine returned pose delivery
of this line mirrors the audience's
own disinterest and confusion from the
spy intel
it seems that the empire first order
last order whatever has been
biding its time and has amassed a
massive fleet to curb stomp the rebels
all is lost luckily rey has been reading
those
boring old jedi books that luke and yoda
thought of as nothing more than kindling
fortunately for the rebels there's a
chapter on plot devices that states they
need a way finder doodad
to locate the baddie base that's their
mission now
they form a crew and head out to find
clues to its whereabouts
also what happened to rose tycho that's
the wrong
clip period blood can be used to stop
forest fires um better
anyway rose serves as a good example of
jj and his ilk
not knowing what to do with the
leftovers from ruin johnson's the last
jedi
can't blame the writers under utilizing
her she wasn't exactly a fan favorite
just look at these memes of her now
don't laugh at these
that's mean don't laugh don't laugh
you certainly shouldn't laugh at this
next one
despite getting a decent amount of
screen time in the last jedi
she only gets as much if not less than
carrie fisher's
b-roll also her passionate romance with
finn has dried up for some reason
even though in the previous film she
would die for him
sorry miss tran this is the daisy ridley
show
and you are taking time away from her
scenes
meanwhile kylo is putting his iconic
helmet back together
since he broke it when he had a tantrum
in the last jedi
for all you over analyzing pseudo
intellectuals watching this scene
it's visually symbolic of jj
picking up the pieces after ryan
johnson's fuck up
not sure why there is a space monkey
there at this point i'm not even
surprised by it
okay whatever that's rise of skywalker
for you
ah the knights of ren who are they jj
explain this mystery you set up from the
force awakens
they are the knights of ren they wear
different outfits and fight rebels
thanks for nothing jj after dramatically
giving head to all his generals
kylo tells them he suspects a spy in
their ranks
it's hux obviously kylo tells his goons
that the emperor is now everyone's
wrinkly sugar daddy
and to keep them all sweet he's given
them supercharged destroyers
we're also introduced to general pride
played by richard e grant oh from with
nail and i to this what a step
down i'm obvious
it's time for generic star wars desert
planet number 3002
it is here the ray resistance go to an
alien burning man festival
to harass the locals for information and
anal beads
kylo then taunts rey through force face
time and the writers use this as a
chance to show off a powerful new force
ability
which is object teleportation with
seemingly unlimited range
a gripe i have with the disney trilogy
is the addition of force powers
that are gimmicky and contrived it comes
off as jarring because these new
superpowers aren't in the old movies and
are thrown out there in a spur of the
moment kind of way
now in the original films force powers
were used to get out of sticky
situations
but they were quite limited at most jedi
seem to have
enhanced reflexes and psychic powers
even then
it was a struggle to move objects but
rewarding
when luke actually did accomplish
something and
not every struggle could be solved with
a jedi
now jedi can fly and breathe in space
project illusions of themselves
teleport items use abilities from beyond
the grave
heal any wound and do superhero jumps
with abilities this overpowered it opens
the door to cheap writing where
characters can
essentially magic away their problems
it looks cinematic though the grander
the powers
the grander the spectacle even if it
makes plot holes
or makes characters look like they came
straight out of a video game
the first order is on to rey and her
entourage
but they get help from a callback fatso
calrissian has returned and its apparent
characters from the original trilogy are
being dragged back to drum up any
semblance of interest for the board
fans after lando determines that the
gang are neither food nor sex
he sends them off into the desert to
find clues
this begins a high-speed desert chase
it's making me remember the pod racing
from the prequels
raise a crack shot with a blaster so the
gang is not hindered by
flying stormtroopers quicksand on the
other hand
fucks them rigid and they all die
praise the lord rey has been killed off
sam play my song
[Music]
ah pollocks they're alive and as an
added bonus the cave holds a plot
central item
that they wouldn't have found otherwise
well fuck me till i fart
how fortunate what a well-written
convenience
you're not even trying anymore are you
jj
it's a sith dagger that's very special
because not only does it stab
people but it has coordinates carved
into it have the sith not heard of pen
and paper
does everything have to be edgy and evil
for the hell of it
c-3po actually proposes the idea that he
isn't a useless reference to the old
films but that he can read the language
on the dagger although it later requires
some tinkering of his noggin to do so
enough talk droid rey needs more screen
time an alien snake shows up
to vore them to death but is quickly
tamed by rey
we can now add snake charmer to her
ever-growing list of credentials
as she uses force heal on mr slithers
we get more daisy ridley world class
acting eyes wide mouth the gape
i swear every predicament in this
trilogy
is solved with rey staring blankly
until it dawns on her to use one of her
many powers
how she got the lead role in the first
place i have
no idea hmm what a completely unrelated
picture
they find the ship of the dagger owner
that somehow survived after 20 years and
hasn't broken down
or been stolen their good fortune has
run out though
as the empire has tracked them down by
using wikipedia
to find the source of that cheap
necklace kylo force teleported
rey wanders off to gorp some more at
impending danger
close your mouth i know the casting
director told you otherwise but come on
kylo plays chicken with rey by trying to
run her over
instead of using the guns on his ship
she's okay she can do
video game backflips while these fuckers
are pratting about
chewbacca gets captured by the empire
and is about to be shipped off to
waterboarding land
ray uses the power of snarling teeth and
force energy to try and ground him kylo
fights back and a forced tug of war
starts where they both
grimace like they're trying to pop their
skulls out of their face
until rey shows off another force power
that she now has she sends one million
volts to back his way
and blows up the pube creature to be
fair
i did find this impactful could it be
that rey fucked up she was too powerful
for her own good she's actually
developed
a floor
now just kidding it's a fake out
chewbacca is fine he was on a different
transport ship
ray can do no wrong oh why bother having
stakes and tension at all booby and the
gang hightail it to kojimi
to find a robotics expert to jailbreak
c3po's brain
so he can decipher the dagger the guy in
question is this thing
baboo frick it's another patented disney
star wars alien
which many have noticed have very little
diversity
as they're all earth-toned creatures
with squinty bum eyes
even robots aren't spared this creative
bankruptcy
a hairdryer on wheels it's bad enough
that
bb-8 is basically a testicle with a
processor
but this is just lazy design and also
an unnecessary character and this is
another problem with the rise of
skywalker
new characters are introduced and have
minuscule character development
like this lady claude the foreskin
monster
and power ranger reject zoe bliss
a pointless character who only exists to
give her
ex-boyfriend poe a plot device could
have done more with the actress
we don't even see her without her helmet
she's not a bad looking lady either
i wouldn't mind drinking her filthy bath
water
oh what don't look at me like that
oh i'm the weirdo i can literally
smell the sex grease on you this
mentally challenged
tiny turkish man gets to work but it's a
sad
moment as c-3po's brain will be wiped in
the tinkering process
essentially he's going to die oh no what
are you doing there
3po taking one last look sir
at my friends you must have robot
dementia
you've hardly got any rapport with these
cretins you've had one escapade so far
with them
and you've done bugger all for most of
this new trilogy the most you've had as
a character arc was
changing the color of your arm fuck it
wipe his memory put him out of his
misery
let him forget this shit show screw it
wipe mine while you're at it
because the sith language is evil
c-3po gets the cliched blood red evil
robot eyes
although they could be red for other
reasons
the dagger is deciphered but requires
more planet hopping to acquire the
wayfinder
now c-3po has amnesia and is essentially
a blank slate
ah nope just another fake out r2d2 kept
a backup of his memory and personality
who needs consequences kylo's ship shows
up in orbit and suddenly rey can now
sense chewbacca's life she couldn't join
forced tug of war
uh whatever it's a contrived reason for
rey and the gang
to get on the star destroyer to
slaughter stormtroopers in the dozens
i mean it's not like they're ordinary
people forced into service
hooray for the resistance while freeing
chewbacca
poe and finn get overwhelmed with
stormtroopers the trio
are about to be executed but the
seriousness of the scene is undermined
with
quirky quipping suddenly hurx turns on
his men
i'm the spy no shit you're the only
first order member to survive the
previous films
mystery solved move along meanwhile rey
is looking for the sith dagger which
they still need
and kylo uses this time to harass her
forcefully
they fight each other mentally and
random items teleport about
why the helmet of pandering randomly
teleported to kylo
i do not know as the rest of the group
take back the impounded millennium
falcon
kylo returns to his star destroyer to
drop the big reveal on rey
she is not a nobody she is
the granddaughter of emperor palpatine
of course she is when did palpatine have
time to sigh with child
and who's his sith baby mama he was no
spring chicken in the prequels
so he was probably shooting blanks at
that point and i have
terrible mental images of him doing the
dirty after getting a scrotum facelift
i always assumed his campness and
eagerness to spend time with an
effeminate young man as a sign of being
a uh
confirmed bachelor but fuck it it's
apparently cloning stuff maybe whatever
don't think eat popcorn the millennium
falcon
farts away stormtroopers and rey escapes
with the crew to the planet endor
it is here there are allies but also we
get the remains of the death star
jj if you're just relying on nostalgia
why not make a two-hour long
photo album of visuals from the old
films remember this
remember remember the original trilogy
when star wars was good
a third of the death star survived being
completely disintegrated
and the contrivance dagger is designed
to pinpoint the location of the
wayfinder on it
jj are you ripping off the goonies
that's where one-eyed willy buried his
gold
this is stupid if you come at the
structure from a different angle
or parts of it have collapsed from wear
and tear
or weathering then the dagger is useless
while on
endor finn hints at being force
sensitive but nothing comes of it
other than enhanced gut feelings that's
too much character development and we
need more ray
ray skill philly sails to the death star
to get us to the next set piece
remember the emperor's throne room
apparently
it had a secret anti-chamber housing the
wayfinder
even though that room never existed on
the death star but ignore that
inside rey gets a spooky vision of
herself
as a demon that's the most i've seen
daisy ridley act and half of it was
computer generated
kylo has tracked her down and again asks
her to join the baddies
she refuses so rey and kylo have another
boring
fight which we all know rey will win
because she does
every bloody time to give rey an
advantage
leia uses her powers to distract kylo
across the galaxy
by whispering his real name and then she
dies of boredom
this allows rey to take a cheap shot at
kylo
you murderer nope can't have bad
consequences
so rey uses force heal on kylo's pocket
pussy chest wound
then she flounces off in a tizzy to
luke's hermit island
fuck off pogs kylo is left thinking what
the fuck
a feeling that amplifies when a
motivational ghost of his late father
shows up
but it's not a ghost it's a memory
apparently
huh where is this memory from
i guess kylo is suffering a bad ptsd
hallucination
i see kylo is gone doo lally
then he throws his lightsaber away to
symbolize he's a changed man
the empire aren't playing about anymore
and they demonstrate their awesome power
by using their new ships to blow up
kijimi that's babu and zory dead then
nope she's fine and she smuggled out
baboo in her crotch
confused and hormonal ray becomes a fire
starter a twisted fire starter
and then we get this great hypocritical
exchange from ghost luke skywalker
looking like the dude from the big
lebowski the jedi's weapon deserves more
respect
yeah ray show some respect this whole
scene
is nothing but back peddling from ryan's
character assassination in the last jedi
luke acts as rey's motivational ghost
and tells her
how special she is not like she hasn't
heard that a million times already
luke then tells her what she must do
because rey has no real initiative of
her own people
just tell her where to go and what to do
he also tells her
to take his family lightsaber and leia's
secret lightsaber to exigo
why does she need two lightsabers we
find out why it's because kylo shows up
on hexagonal and he threw away his
lightsaber so he needs a new one to do
battle
did luke foresee this can he see the
future
don't think too hard look it's luke's
x-wing remember luke's x-wing
come on lap it up you shit munchers
nostalgia is the only thing
keeping this franchise afloat the rebels
gather round for an idea
shit and make a plan to take on the
final order and their mega ships
we need to put some holdo maneuvers do
some real damage yes
the holdo maneuver from the last jedi it
looked pretty
but it was pretty stupid finally that
ass pull is getting addressed come on
that move is one in a million
one in a million that makes it even more
implausible and absurd
also doesn't that make holder a massive
kamikaze hypocrite
you have bet the survival of the
resistance on bad odds and put us all at
risk
ah fuck it move along more lazy damage
control for ryan's poor writing
in typical empire fashion there is a
design flaw in the form of a navigation
tower
the plan is if they take it out the
planet killing ships are
buggered because they won't be able to
navigate through hexagonal's harsh
atmosphere
not only did the emperor bury ships
under ice
but he had them built on a planet that
is a bitch to navigate
and detrimental to large ships genius
rey activates the wayfinder and guides
the rebels to certain death
not that it matters if anyone dies it
seems like no one truly stays dead
in this franchise even if they are
actually dead
rey goes to confront grand papa
palpatine while rebels get shot down in
the upper atmosphere of hexagonal
pride changes where the navigational
tower broadcasts
and makes the source his ship so finn
leads a ground attack
on a spaceship it's supposed to be a
heroic
cavalry charge but because they're
riding alien horses on top of a
spaceship
it looks like an acid flashback
meanwhile rey has a crappy family
reunion
gramps tells her he needs her for
sacrificial euthanasia
they must kill him so his power and
essence can transfer over to her
making rey the new empress of the sith
she outright refuses
but ends up killing him anyway yet that
doesn't count for some reason
rebels are getting swatted like flies
because this plan
was stupid it looks like things are
going south quickly
but kylo gets a case of penile dementia
and forgets his ambitions and lust for
power
because he wants to lay with rey so he
appears
and descends into hexagonal for that
sweet
british puss rey senses this
and uses the force to do kindergarten
level magic tricks
watch as i make this lightsaber
disappear oh
where is it kylo check behind your ears
there it is
forgetting the cardinal rule of bros
before hoes
kylo kills his not-so-formidable knights
while rey dispatches goons with ease
as always ray and kylo try and double
team the emperor but grandpa gooly
senses they are a diad in the force and
seeing a two-for-one offer he can't pass
up
drains the energy from them everything
is looking hopeless
until lando arrives with a fuck load of
reinforcements
i see leia calls for aid no one comes to
help
but when lando calls for aid everyone
shows up like it's a party they must all
be as sex partners the tubby man whore
what transpires next is a cluttered mess
with ships that look copy pasted into
place it doesn't look like an epic space
battle but a congested traffic jam
the composition of the scene is visually
chaotic
and not in an epic final showdown kind
of way
none of this matters because the emperor
disables them all with force
lightning despite the rebels saying they
need more people they really don't
way is all they need in fact everything
has always been about rey
ray saves the day as always the fleet of
ships is redundant
oh no kylo gets thrown to his death ah
nope
just another fake out he'll be fine as
rey's lying on her
ass the power of star wars asmr
brings her to life every jedi who ever
lived
lives in you four
[Music]
good luck finding work after this films
the power of jedi ghosties gives her all
the super strength she needs to defeat
palpatine and basically does the work
for her that's what rey's
underdeveloped character arc has come
down to after all this time
her being a receptacle for all these
jedi to get inside she gets
young men in her old men
ugly men hey quagon you want in on this
there's plenty of woo yoda get your
green
ghosty ass up in this bitch we then get
this
awful moment
[Music]
stop shooting lightning at the
lightsaber you'd have thought you'd
learnt
your lesson the first time idiot is this
the sith equivalent of
stop hitting yourself stop hitting
yourself kaboom and the emperor is
finally dead
again is he dead for real this time or
is someone gonna cook up another clone
thing when a sequel is needed ray was
too awesome for her own good and has to
have a lie down but kylo is fine facing
a dilemma
of having his own rey love doll or
saving a life
he does one final act of kindness by
using force heal on her wounded
um pride what did she die of no physical
wound she overexerted herself is all
the fucking drama queen fan service time
way passionately kisses kylo because she
loves a father killing bad boy like a
fat kid loves cake
there you go reylo fangirls you got what
you wanted bad
luck huxley fans you don't get any oily
bum
fun kylo i assume gave away his last bit
of life to save her
and he evaporates ray gets to survive
because
she's an egregious mary sue why else
after the empire has been defeated for
the 50th time
there's celebration and hugs all round
at the rebel base
we even get a progressive lesbian kiss
although
they have to cut out of the scene with
the clitty cats for some asian
territories
damn disney you just can't quite get
star wars to work in
asia can you it's still not over
rey travels to luke's old homestead on
tatooine for some
pandering it is there rey buries
layers and anakin's lightsaber in the
sand
i'm sure he'd really appreciate that i
don't like sand
the shitting on the legacy continues as
we get to this
final nail in the proverbial coffin that
is the star wars franchise
who are you i'm right ray skywalker
[Music]
but you're not a skywalker you can't
just take the name and have it mean
something
you can call yourself papa smurf but it
doesn't make it so
you are emperor palpatine's
granddaughter she didn't even know luke
that well
she only spent a couple of days living
with him and he was a wanker to her the
entire time
are you stealing his name out of spite
why are you chuckle fuck smiling
the skywalker lineage has been wiped out
the emperor's bloodline lives on
he's won the moment rey queefs out a
child
there'll be a cosmic coin toss over if
it's a goodie or a baddie
continuing the cycle let's hope no one
gets into rey's sarlacc
pit
jj tries to invoke nostalgia one last
time
by having rey stare at the binary stars
that luke
gazed at in a new hope the two sons has
no emotional impact because ryan used
that imagery in the last jedi
it also has no real symbolic meaning to
rey
in a new hope the two sons showed there
was
more to luke's life on a farm there was
a universe out there to explore
a call to adventure reyes had her
adventure
plus she's stolen all the stuff from
everyone else's adventures too
i am rey i am the best the universe
bends over backwards for me
fuck everyone else my hero
what a load of piss after all this i
reflected on the trilogy and how the
characters arcs have progressed
finn has no character arc and gets
relegated to being a useless whooping
dickhead
he had potential as a stormtrooper
turncoat
and is alluded to having possible force
powers but nothing comes of it
i was hoping poe could have more of a
character arc because for most of the
films he's simply a swaggering cock in
an
x-wing he's good at giving orders and
being a pilot that's his character
at the end he doesn't even get the girl
doesn't even get the boy
you'll get nothing and like it i hate to
say this but the most
interesting and relatable character was
kylo ren
i'm not saying that because it's been a
while since i've felt the touch of a
woman
he's relatable in that he is the most
human and flawed character
with his own personal conflicts there is
a semblance of depth
and while it's not a staggering amount
when compared to the other poorly
written characters
he stands out he has his own set of
ideals and aspirations
shallow as they may be years from now he
will be seen as the most
memorable character because he's darth
vader acting like a petulant teenager
rey's arc is parental abandonment issues
and she wants off a desert planet
because it sucks
and then she gets given a load of free
stuff to save the day
that's a story boom done let's break for
lunch
everyone else is just background noise
rise of skywalker
is a low energy low effort mess
the pacing is all over the place and
feels very rushed
here's your cgi spectacle now quickly
move on to the next set piece
it just goes to show that the name star
wars is not enough to make a movie
automatically good because lucasfilm had
no
forethought about the direction of these
films and constantly switched up
directors
we have no great ending to the saga we
have a fast-paced ride
that ultimately ends in a sewer of
disappointment
terrible just a terrible ending to star
wars
what you got there ah you're going to
give me the old
screwdriver down the urethra treatment
and now that feels already i did watch
rise of skywalker
[Music]
wait i'm not done with my review there's
the other films i need to cover
chapter one the birth and death of star
wars
good old star wars the original trilogy
was great
fun it had everything high adventure
battles between good and evil with a
strong
message about the importance of friends
and family
albeit with slight incestuous undertones
my son i have felt him it was a
monumental success
it was both a financial and cultural hit
the trilogy is iconic to the science
fiction genre
and has inspired so many people
lightning in a bottle some might say
that level of success is hard to
replicate george
had made millions in merchandise and had
made a name for himself
despite directing other films it was
only a matter of time
till he wanted to get involved with star
wars again people say
george sold out when he made the
prequels but for me the bad omens
started with the remastering shit
a lot had changed in the world of
special effects since the first star
wars
film in 1977 and george wanted to test
out the latest
digital computer effects of the 90s the
original trilogy saw a theatrical
re-release
as george decided to meddle with his
classics by
adding in superfluous crap can you
honestly say
that the original trilogy would have
been vastly improved
if only there had been more visual
clutter
if only r2d2 had been covered up by more
rocks
that would have made it a hundred times
better if only
there were alien slapped singing that
would have elevated the trilogy to high
art like the sistine chapel
he didn't stop with this meddling even
after the prequels he would go on to add
prequel characters in digitally to the
blu-ray releases as a way of solidifying
those cinematic droppings as canon
i tell you it sets off the mandela
effect something wicked
and it's hard to find copies of the
original trilogy without all this extra
digital guff and references to the
prequels
oh yes the prequels
some fans think the prequels look better
in comparison to what disney's churned
out
however i'd argue they make the same
mistakes
they are hampered by bad acting and an
over-reliance on special effects
it had badly written dialogue and it was
tonally deaf at times
much like the disney films the prequels
rely on references to the original
trilogy characters
and giving them unneeded backstory did
we need to know
darth vader did a pod race or that yoda
fights like he's on
meth or that luke skywalker's mother
likes them young fans felt let down
and george's credibility as a filmmaker
was called into question
i felt sorry for georgie porgie you
create a legacy that is loved by
millions but you
just can't quite recapture that spark
from the original trilogy
in fact you've started to damage the
legacy i suspect george was burnt out by
star wars
and that's why he sold it to the white
slavers that
take these things even if george had
sold off the rights to another company
i think disney would eventually buy them
out too they are relentless in buying of
intellectual properties
with several flicks of a pen contracts
were signed
and the dark times began after the bad
taste left in the mouths of so many fans
by george's
salty surprise that was the prequels
some believed that
finally star wars was incapable hands
new adventures awaited us a new exciting
trilogy
disney would surely make the franchise
great again
yeah how'd that work out chapter 2
the franchise awakens the house of mouse
was in control now
and there would be changes for starters
who better to reboot the beloved sci-fi
franchise
other than jj abrams after all
he had success with the equally popular
star trek
i guess the disney executives didn't see
into
darkness under the guidance of the new
president of lucasfilm
kathleen kennedy there would be less
gore
no sexual slavery and just
playing things safer also there was to
be more diversity
to appeal to a wider demographic as well
as a female lead
for female audiences to get invested in
this is not a bad thing but due to poor
acting
and terrible writing rey was not the
smash hit
the company anticipated her to be
kathleen kennedy
wanted more capable abrasive and
overconfident female characters
in fact all star wars female characters
are now capable abrasive
and overconfident it's a very boring
overdone archetype
and makes for bad writing in an attempt
to make women more included in the star
wars universe
you've inadvertently made them all
one-dimensional
and interchangeable same personality
different bodies variety is the spice of
life my dears
it wasn't just rey who was poorly
written either it was everyone else
under jj's guidance characters had
development that was either terribly
short
or non-existent in force awakens poe
dameron
was made out to be an important
character
but then disappears for a good chunk of
the film and suddenly
reappears later with a flimsy
explanation
han solo returns and for some reason his
character arc has regressed and he's
gone back to being a smuggler with his
hairy life partner
it was clear jj wanted to invoke
nostalgia
by bringing them back and thus bringing
back a sense of familiarity
jj relies on the emotional investment
that you may already have for the
original trilogy
and its characters if poe dies you might
shrug and say
oh well but if chewy or harm dies
then you'll feel something because
you've probably grown up with these
films
and have fond nostalgic memories for
these characters
that is where jj is a hack he relies
too much on your nostalgia and sense of
familiarity to keep you entertained
it's the reason why this film is just a
reboot of a new hope
with similar cinematography too it's a
way to play it
safe to understand jj's methodology
one must look at his adaptation of star
trek
if you've seen jj's star trek films well
it's
kind of hard to see with all the fucking
lens flares but if you manage to retain
your eyesight
you'll know what i'm talking about the
2009
star trek film is a cinematic
reimagining of the original tv series
and films
everything is designed to get you to
recognize
aspects of star trek there's references
aesthetics
and even one of the original actors the
thinking is
these elements will make your brain
regress to happy memories
and associate those memories with the
product you are enjoying in the present
it's the reasoning behind a lot of lazy
reboots but what if
you don't have any nostalgic ties to a
show from the 60s
jj's got you covered with spectacle
[Music]
this formula would transfer over to star
wars you get fan service
and explosions but that's the problem jj
relies too much on visuals and nostalgia
everything else falls by the wayside the
force awakens does a
terrible job of getting me emotionally
invested in anything else
at the start of force awakens there are
innocent people being murdered
there is death and despair and we're
only a couple of minutes into the film
it's a very serious scene but then jj
dispels all the drama with shitty
quipping
who talks first utah first i talk first
the old man gave it to you
it's just very hard to understand you
with all that search him
all the emotional weight and tension is
completely destroyed
why imagine if in the opening scene of a
new hope
after that shootout darth vader
approaches
leia in all his intimidating glory
and says pull my finger
star wars would have never got a second
film jj
just can't seem to write moments that
make you give a shit
five planets being destroyed is
inconsequential
who are these people i couldn't give a
fuck are they related to the main
characters
make me give a flying fuck jj in a new
hope
leia lost her home planet we saw it have
an emotional impact and it was tied to
her character
in a very meaningful way she was the
princess of that planet
and its death meant her title and
position were moot
she now had no friends and family and it
was a pivotal moment for her
plus the start of a new journey in
episode seven
not one but five planets get destroyed
and it's a shock but ultimately has no
emotional resonance
it just looks cool could at least have
finn say
no not that planet my mama lived there
now i'm glad i betrayed the first order
force awakens was a shallow film
and in a strange ironic way the company
that makes
theme park rides had created the
cinematic equivalent
a simple flashy ride that made you dizzy
and throw up afterwards
force awakens left a lot of jj style
mystery boxes left on the ground
and the film served as a foundation for
the new trilogy to launch from
the next film would be an opportunity to
expand on the characters the world
and the mysteries didn't pan out that
way
chapter 3 going rogue with the next
movie in the trilogy in production
disney had to maintain the hype and
relevance of star wars not to mention
the cash flow
enter rogue one a stand-alone star wars
story
well not quite it's just the story from
the opening crawl of a new hope
this was directed by gareth edwards who
wanted to emphasize the
war part of star wars this addition to
the franchise
was decidedly darker than its
predecessors
it had a high kill count morally
ambiguous rebels
and a lot of fan service with that said
i did appreciate that it was risky and
i must say that the cinematography is
great this film has lovely visuals
oh it's beautiful could have done
without the erotic tentacle molestation
but
how else are you going to get to the
japanese audience rogue one
felt like the stakes were
inconsequential by virtue of being a
prequel
we know the rebels will steal the plans
to the death star and the
big bad weapon will get destroyed
eventually if you like action there's
plenty of it
but the characterization is
underdeveloped so it's a very
superficial experience
and you don't care too much when
everyone gets thrown into the meat
grinder everyone dies the end
although i did get a kick out of the
children
crying in the cinema at all the death on
screen
as gareth reminds them that they live in
a cruel
godless world no happy ewoks dancing
only death and war
at times the film was jarring with its
use of uncanny valley cgi
actors which were only there for
nostalgia point scoring
as much as rogue one was trying to be
mature and dark it soon becomes a
slog as it's just shoot out after
shootout
there would have been more despair
supposedly but lucasfilm
stepped in to reign in the bleakness
there were a lot of reshoots to try and
make rogue one more palatable for
audiences
and while that is common in the film
industry you should be wary about the
extent of reshoots
and why things are being re-shot this
would soon become a trend with disney
to date gareth hasn't directed another
star wars snuff movie
or anything else his last contribution
to the franchise
was a cameo in the last jedi chapter
four
ryan's ruination jj was not directing
the next star wars movie for some reason
and so the torch was handed to ryan
johnson
who had a different way of doing things
you see jj abrams likes his mystery
boxes
he just loves setting up little
mysteries in his stories to get people
guessing
and anticipating but also it makes
people really invested
at the end of the force awakens there's
a plethora
of mystery boxes left out there to be
opened
and enjoyed problem was ryan was now in
charge so in the middle of the night he
snuck down stairs to the stack of
mystery boxes
and took a shit in each one of them that
is the last jedi
as well as it being a platform for ryan
johnson's alien breasts
fetish ryan's modus operandi
is he likes to subvert the expectations
of the audience
and throw out some crazy twists all well
and good
but the thing is ryan is utterly inept
what ryan does
is pull stuff out of his ass at the last
minute or does nothing at all
with the audacity to be smug about it
like a fart huffing pseudo intellectual
we wanted answers to questions from the
force awakens
what we got was a shit on our dinner
plate who is snoke
big reveal no one of importance and
easily killed
who are raised parents nobodies why are
the resistance struggling to get help
against a galactic threat
who cares but ryan also threw extra
spanners in the works
anyone can be a jedi now fuck training
and hard work
ghosts can interact with the real world
and cause damage
because jedi can teleport a hologram of
themselves
across the universe to do battle and rip
off escape from
la because that is a thing now just like
how you can hyperspace ram a ship into
another ship
no time to really elaborate on these new
rules for the star wars universe
they are quickly pulled out of ryan's
bag of tricks
to shock and amaze but feel more like
ask ass pull contrivances
because ryan kept writing himself into a
corner although
he would later claim his bad writing was
clever subversions
subversion works if there is something
you are actually subverting
if your subversion leads to nothing then
the audience comes away
with nothing it's a very hollow
experience
there was a moment where he truly could
have done it and that was when
kylo was offering rey a place by his
side
if she had taken his hand that would be
a shock
it would have really mixed things up a
bit but no
rey has to be a goody two-shoes the bad
writing
also extends to the dialogue which is
horribly clunky
no no we are the spark that'll light the
fire that'll burn the first order down
this line in particular always rubbed me
the wrong way
amazing every word of what you just said
was wrong it's worded like some stupid
petty tweet
you know what they say write what you
know hey ryan
still one positive thing i can say about
mr johnson
is he is a fantastic job
creator many a youtuber have started
their career ripping into the last
jedi and the fallout from ryan's
pettiness has provided content
for many channels even my own channel
owes its success to this smug bugger so
thanks ryan please stop making movies
force awakens left some very clear story
prompts and ryan disregarded them
and made an awful bloated movie that
would essentially
destroy the foundations of the new
trilogy and split the fang community
even more chapter five a new low
with solo disney continued their
strategy of a new
star wars movie every year with a
standalone movie
about han solo before he became the
infamous smuggler
the whole production suffered with
behind the scenes calamity
as phil lord and christopher miller were
directing
however kathleen kennedy and her cronies
at
lucasfilm didn't like what they had
produced so far
sod creative freedom and budgets because
kathy knows best
so the directors were booted off and a
majority of the film we
shot at great expense solo is one of the
most expensive films ever made
and it did not see any returns on that
investment
safe and sensible ron howard was brought
on
which was a terrible choice i don't
think
in my entire life i've ever heard
someone say
i'm really looking forward to seeing
that new
ron howard film as a result we got a
badly lit
and badly acted snorefest the whole film
was a terrible attempt to give han solo
more unnecessary backstory we needed to
know
every minute detail about him how he got
his name
where he got his blaster his ship his
friends
his cockpit dice how he did the kessel
run his first
gay experience none of it mattered the
character was not enough of a draw to
bring in the viewers and
it flopped it cost disney millions upon
millions
as theater seats were left bumless
because for many fans
the story of han solo was complete in
itself during the original trilogy
plus there was no harrison ford and
instead we got a talentless impostor
but this blow to disney's prophets was a
sign
that star wars was not the big
money-making franchise they had hoped
for
chapter 6 the fandom menace hardcore
star wars fans
can be charitably described as loyal
and passionate while some can be
uncharitably described as neurotic man
children so it always amazes me
at how much goodwill disney is able to
destroy with the fans on a continuing
basis
the first kick in the nuts was when
disney denounced the extended universe
and decreed it was no longer canon
disney's new media
and changes were absolute decades of
extra material was deemed
not their style which made fans raise
their eyebrows
even more when they actually read the
new books
and comics they were peddling under the
new official canon
any criticism of disney's new material
was met with scorn by lucas film staff
mostly in the form of twitter spats more
so
as the films had fans divided and petty
creatives
and directors like ryan couldn't help
antagonizing the fan base furthermore
star wars started becoming very
politicized
and saw star wars creators getting on
their soap boxes
to turn everything into an online
culture war
this made the community even more
divisive
to counteract the negative response from
the fans
the disney shows came out in full force
to defend the company
and the crap films with executable click
bait articles containing even more
polarizing opinions
why the star wars the last jedi backlash
is a good thing
why blowing up the star wars expanded
universe was a good
thing six ways star wars the last jedi
broke the franchise
and why that's a good thing that's a
good thing
why that's a good thing it's a good
thing that's good
that's good
suffice to say this wasn't helping
disney get back into some fans good
graces and made disney seem
very out of touch with what star wars
was all about
disney was also struggling to captivate
the asian market with their films
and so western fans were their only hope
at making
serious shekels it was very clear that
fans were
cash cows and disney were quite happy to
slap the star wars label
on any old crap this mindset would also
take on the form
of an expensive and shitty theme park
behold galaxy's edge when you think of
star wars you think
epic adventure across the stars not an
overpriced strip
mall unless you're a disney shareholder
attendance was
poor and for good reason there wasn't
much to do it just
sold overpriced crap it had one ride
and even then it was a cramped cockpit
video game
a theme bar that sold cuisine that just
wanted to tear up your intestinal tract
what else was there left to do other
than harass the ray impersonators
the whole thing was an expensive mistake
and still
disney struggled to make bank off their
multi-billion dollar purchase
merchandise wasn't selling as much as
they'd hoped
star wars is famous for its
multi-billion dollar toy sales
and yet under disney the franchise
struggled
to shift lumps of plastic it was a
massive waste
then there was the whole debacle with
star wars battlefront 2
having exploitative micro transactions
but that's what you get
when you share the star wars license
with electronic arts
winner of the golden poo award for worst
company in america disney's new comics
and
canon novels were also not gelling with
the fans old and young alike
couldn't blame them as the writing in
some novels is repugnant
and now a dramatic reading of star wars
join the resistance
escape from vodrane by professor
albert tospot poe himself
officiated the wedding of his friends if
he
felt the same rumbling in his guts that
everyone else did
as the ceremony proceeded he was too
cool a customer to show it
but he must have for when it came time
for him to ask
if snap wexley took carvey coon to be
his wife
he only got as far as do you snap wexley
take carvey coon to be your
before his insides erupted in the most
atmosphere ripping flatulence
the galaxy ever heard everyone laughed
because they sympathized their insides
were doing somersaults as well
but poe dameron was always cool and
he began again asking do you
snap wexley take carvey coon to be your
wife
managing to get the whole sentence out
that time
snap was not so lucky aye
he began and what followed was a four
alarm heart that lasted longer
than the ceremony itself had thus far
a wave of laughter washed over the crowd
and then again when khari in disbelief
yelled at her soon-to-be husband and
then
let out a deep meteoric toot herself
she slapped both hands over her face
completely embarrassed
as snap poe and everyone else just let
laughter rain because soon
everyone who'd eaten the crackling
pudding
was sounding off like firecrackers
tooting
and honking and letting loose with all
kinds of
gasey exclamations it was mortifying
and of warriors all at once
mattis stood beside joe who emitted
a high-pitched wheat that was unlike
anything
anyone had ever heard after it happened
joe glared at mattis as if to say
this is your fault his anger
was undercut however by another
flatulent
bellow and then peels of laughter
that he just couldn't help none of them
could
commit to the squeals of laughter and
clamor
of gut ripping gas snap
and kary were married agee oddie
and some of the others struck up a happy
musical beat
and everyone on the resistance base
laughed
and danced and farted
late into the night
[Applause]
i think that sums up disney's star wars
quite well
a bunch of loud obnoxious farts
chapter 7 overdrawn at the bank of
creativity the star wars franchise has
been around for nearly half a century
and it makes you wonder if we'll ever be
sick of these films
but also how much longer can you rely on
recycling stuff from the original
trilogy there isn't really anything
memorable to these new films there are
no standout
moments that really define the new
trilogy in the original trilogy
you had moments like luke skywalker
staring at two suns
help me obi-wan kenobi destroying the
death star for the first time
the unforgettable i am your father scene
slave princess leia strangling harvey
weinstein
and much more the only memorable scenes
in the new trilogy
are han solo getting killed off and luke
skywalker milking alien titties
the only reason those moments stick out
is because it has the original trilogy
characters being assassinated
both literally and metaphorically
the new trilogy relies on reusing scenes
and moments from the old trilogy
to evoke nostalgia but can't create
anything of real substance on its own
a major failing of the new trilogy and
prequels
is callbacks and an unwillingness to cut
ties from luke skywalker so they can
branch out into their own thing
probably because it's risky but it holds
back the trilogy
as far as i'm concerned the story of
anakin and luke and
bloody death stars is done and dusted
move on
there is a huge galaxy to explore
and potential for interesting characters
but due to the mishandling of the
franchise we still have chewbacca
and r2d2 popping up and look
it's the fucking millennium falcon again
the franchise keeps going back to the
empire and rebels
duking it out it gets stale seeing the
same old
x-wings and tie fighters doing the same
old fights
you have a galaxy filled with monsters
and mobsters
so many possibilities take some bloody
risks
why not have the rebels and empire join
forces
put aside their differences to fight a
bigger
threat both jj abrams and ryan johnson
drink deep from the well of
post-modernism
and are all about subversion and
deconstruction of star wars and
traditional values
as a result the star wars universe has
had its core hollowed out
princess leia and rogue harm solo
had a passionate romance a love that
would endure for all time
through good and bad abrams gets his
hands on the trilogy
and they become a distant divorced
couple with a school
shooter for a son a once hopeful hero
who will help save the galaxy becomes a
bitter jaded old fart on top of all that
all his accomplishments and struggles
were for nothing
the empire was never really destroyed
and you become irrelevant
to the granddaughter of your nemesis
every star wars movie
before the disney acquisition is just
kind of ruined now there's no finality
to anything either
dead characters don't stay dead and
buried everything
just repeats itself empire and rebels
aspects of the original trilogy being
reused ad nauseum
in lieu of decent writing if there is a
future for star wars
it will be more of the same even more
depressing
is that with advancements in computer
effects the original characters from the
trilogy
will be brought back from the dead over
and over again
until entropy consumes the universe
oh well chapter eight the demise of
skywalker
is it any wonder that rise of skywalker
ended up bad there were clear signs from
the start that this was destined for
disappointment
colin trevorrow was originally put on
the project as director and writer in
typical lucasfilm form
he got booted off by kathleen kennedy
and her vague creative differences
this type of behavior goes to show how
badly mismanaged things are behind the
scenes
tried and true but also profit making jj
abrams was brought in to finish the
trilogy a trilogy
he didn't entirely plan out jj
seemed reluctant to return to star wars
can't blame
him he had to clean up ryan johnson's
mess
it's like having a housemate tell you
he's done a hangover poo in your toilet
and you've got to unclog it by
hand for a while there was very little
marketing
and what information about production
that came out was concerning
there had been a lot of reshoots which
is always a bad sign
and rumors that test audiences weren't
impressed by the film
and its ending what snippets of hype
that did come out
were very underwhelming like the poster
for the film
which looked like a playstation 2 game
and not
a good one lucasfilm were very cagey
about what they showed of rise of
skywalker
but eventually they released a trailer
and it confirmed what we feared
nostalgia and contrivance galore
not to mention it confirmed the
unbelievable story leaks
from interviews with cast members it
seemed like they were trying very hard
to hide their disappointment with what
they starred in
i think deep down they knew fans would
not enjoy this film
what was your reaction to the end of the
movie but don't use words okay
it runs the risk of the game of thrones
syndrome whereby there's no way that you
can please all the people all the time
because people
are so emotionally invested in this um
store in this story
i think disney put a gun to richard e
grant's head after this
and he went on to oversell it i cheered
i shouted i fist pumped the air i
cried i'm so proud to be in it i can't
wait for you to see it
i did cheer richard when the movie
finally ended
i cried too as i wasted good money on a
ticket
i wasn't the only one left unimpressed
and negative reviews started to pour in
many an astute internet sleuth noticed
strange goings-on with review aggregate
site rotten tomatoes
it appeared that user reviews had been
frozen
so the film appeared positive i'm sure
that's one of those
conspiracy theories like why would the
ceo of the site paul yenova
a former disney digital executive
collude with disney to
make them look good it just doesn't make
any sense
it was clear as day the rise of
skywalker was crap
and the disney trilogy ended as a farce
the cast will continue to get work after
all this
already oscar isaac is attached to the
june
2020 movie so he's not done with sci-fi
adam driver will keep getting angry
acting gigs
god knows why everyday i wake up and i
hope you're dead
and daisy ridley will continue to have a
suspiciously
itchy nose
one day tonight stop it get some help as
for me
i'm done with star wars there are more
bad star wars films
than there are good and i don't see this
pattern changing
and no i won't watch the star wars
animated crap with
helicopter lightsabers i like the
original star wars trilogy
but anything afterwards seems like it's
desperately trying to emulate its
success
the story of luke and darth vader
empire and rebels is done and dusted for
me
while disney owns the intellectual
property they will continue
to make bad decisions and keep dragging
an
iconic franchise down i'll watch the ot
if it's on television at christmas
but star wars is now a fond memory
had a great adventure but a good
adventure needs to end
it did many years ago why spoil it all
by continuing
don't cry because it's over smile
because it happened
and it was great oh you can
fuck off yeah yeah you should definitely
check out generation kill the book is
also good if you're in what the fuck
why is this prick still alive
if you want something done you got to do
it yourself
do your worst rodent i've said my piece
yeah i'm a force ghost see
see how unsatisfying that is no this
can't be
see around kid no
no god damn it no
he's gone andy i'm gonna go clear out
the wine cellar
maybe you can continue making the videos
yeah i'll continue smart talk for the
dead professor
i'm going to make it into the best
minecraft let's play channel
the world has ever seen damn
hey what did i miss uh nuts
chin up andy it's good to be back
go fire up the laptop and now get us
some ice cream
how about we watch something that isn't
star wars
yay can
we watch the joker sure it's not a bad
film
how about parasite if you don't mind
subtitles
can we watch some anime don't push your
luck
ah enough of that can't play anymore due
to copyright reasons
andy take it away
[Music]
[Music]
[Music]
uh
oh
[Music]
thanks for watching folks please like
subscribe and share
thanks for being patient and keep being
awesome
put some dinosaurs in the next star wars
film who cares if it doesn't make sense
the franchise is a fucking mess right
now might as well go all in
[Music]
we've all done lots of storytelling but
this is unique
fuck

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Personal Note: JJ Abrams is the one that made Finn (John Boyega) a defecting space janitor.

[Music]
[Music]
john boyega of recent star wars fame
is known to speak out and in a recent
interview with gq magazine
he did so again i assure you that disney
in general what kathleen kennedy and
ryan johnson in particular
would rather he had remained silent
because although they
weren't mentioned by name it was very
much so
them he threw under the bus in this
editorial
i will go through what he said as
pertaining to star wars
and why he in my opinion was right in
saying it
john boyega gave a lengthy interview to
gq magazine
with a clear activist angle but here
we'll stick to the passages pertaining
to star wars
as they serve to further document just
how
badly the franchise has been mismanaged
under kathleen kennedy's reign at luke's
film
after going through his experiences with
stylists and hairdressers who evidently
had very little experience with
and sensitivity towards black people
boyega was
asked how he reflects on his involvement
with star wars and the way the newest
trilogy was concluded
to which he replied it's so difficult to
maneuver
you get yourself involved in projects
and you're not necessarily going to like
everything but what i would say to
disney is
do not bring out a black character
market them to be much more important in
the franchise than they are
and then have them pushed to the side
it's not good
i'll say it straight up that is then
followed by gq magazine
adding in some more detail to underline
boyega's point
they say he is talking about himself
here
about the character of finn the former
stormtrooper who wielded a lightsaber in
the first film
before being somewhat nudged to the
periphery
but he is also talking about other
people of color
in the cast naomi aki and kelly marie
tran
and even oscar isaac a brother from
guatemala
who he feels suffered the same treatment
he is acknowledging that some people
will say he's
crazy or making it up but the reordered
character hierarchy of the last jedi
was particularly hard to take ah
the reordered character hierarchy of
the last jedi also known as the
cinematic
love child of kathleen kennedy and ryan
johnson
the movie the entirety of the
entertainment media complex
hailed as the best thing since citizen
kane upon release
that is the movie where john boyega's
star wars-related grievances begun
for real boyega himself continues
like you guys knew what to do with daisy
ridley you knew what to do with adam
driver
you knew what to do with these other
people but when it came to kelly marie
tran
when it came to john boyega you knew
buggy roll
so what do you want me to say what they
want you to say is
i enjoyed being part of it it was a
great experience
nah nah nah i'll take that deal when
it's a great experience
they gave all the new ones to adam
driver all the new ones to daisy ridley
let's be honest daisy knows this
adam knows this everybody knows
i'm not exposing anything boyega might
not be exposing anything we didn't know
already
but still it's important that he speaks
up
because then it matters then it can't be
dismissed
like it can when the same statement
comes from someone they can dismiss
as a toxic fan and most importantly he
is not wrong
in the force awakens his character finn
started out as an
actual character a stormtrooper that
decides
to hell with this has a lot of potential
for development
and the seeds for that were shown in
that first movie
alongside many others but then came
the last jedi where ryan johnson decided
to subvert expectations so he took
a proverbial leak on most of these seats
ensuring they could never grow if finn's
development was stunted
simply for the purpose of subverting
expectations
or if there was some other motivation
there as well
i don't know but the end result was
nonetheless that finn was reduced to
what amounted to
a token guest appearance sent off on a
pointless
sidequest oh and to ensure he would no
longer be a possible suitor to rey
he was saddled with what was written as
another token character
rose tico
rose tico became something of a
punchline
this trilogy is jar jar binks if you
will
and that has nothing to do with the
actress portraying her
kelly marie tran she did the best she
could with the material given to her
and honestly i don't think anyone else
could have done
any better with the same material her
character was
underdeveloped and outside of keeping
finn occupied
she served little purpose to the larger
story on top of that
she was dressed in a sack of potatoes
reportedly on kathleen kennedy's
insistence
because no one could outshine wonder rae
the apparent on-screen projection of
kathleen kennedy herself
the character was written and presented
in such a bland
fashion that i seriously doubt any
little girls out there will ever dream
of being rose tico despite this
rose tikka was hailed by the
entertainment media complex
as a victory for representation and
diversity
that is disingenuous that is
virtue signaling and nothing else a
while back
we had writer and producer cameron
pascha come on
and talk about the variety of topics
boyega's comments reminds me of what he
had to say on the matter
it's a conscious agenda the funny thing
is it's largely white males who are
writing these stories
in some ways it's a little bit of like
get the spotlight off of me and i'll
talk
you know i don't and i'm just going to
be the champion of this stuff
i mean like and as i've said in other
podcasts some of the most racist people
have come across
this town are people that are
loud-mouthed progressive liberals
who are the very caricature that they're
talking about
right and they're the ones writing a lot
of these stories uh you know you'll see
and that's why you see you know what
happened in star wars is you look at
characters that had a lot of potential
like finn
ultimately become this racist character
by people who are proclaiming diversity
and look we got this asian woman there
and
i was like why'd you get this asian
woman this bad character right
the last jedi is certainly not holding
up well for either kathleen kennedy
or ryan johnson both of whom were very
gung-ho about their progressive values
and agenda
because although boyega doesn't name
them
they are the ones being thrown under the
bus here
as the last jedi which was named is
their love child
to ensure everyone knows that jj abrams
is given a free pass about him gq
quotes boyega as saying everybody needs
to leave my boy
alone he wasn't even supposed to come
back and try to save your
to those keeping score that's yet
another dig at kathleen kennedy
there are many takeaways from this
article and most of them go beyond the
scope of what we cover here at
midnight's edge
what is within our realm and which
boyega highlights here
is the sheer and utter hypocrisy of some
of those who shout diversity from the
rooftops
and will stop at nothing to signal their
own virtue
in the case of star wars the virtue
signalers had the power to decide what
ended up on screen
and what ended up there was quite simply
disingenuous
kathleen kennedy's brand of star wars
was successful in taking
down the legacy characters it was
successful in making
rey and mary sue chemically cleansed of
anything
anyone could recognize in themselves but
in terms of
actual diversity and representation as
opposed to merely having non-white
characters appear
on screen john boyega just ensured that
kathleen kennedy's star wars
will go down in history as a failure
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[Music]
that's nick and that's joseph and today
we're here to talk about
mulan the live-action version of the
disney property which will be
finally released uh streaming and
some theatrical venues september 9th
2020 uh sorry september 4th 2020
courtesy of disney of course
uh it's the latest film directed by
nikki carroll uh
if you haven't seen the cartoon which
was 1998
you probably wouldn't want to watch the
live action version
that being said if you haven't seen it
i'll describe the story quickly
it's set in old-timey china like 580
the northern way era which was 386
to 535 a.d so somewhere in there
it's based on chinese folklore so
mulan's family
uh it's just her mom her dad and her
and her sister and her she was a sister
damn
the one that's afraid of spiders i
totally forgot about that
anyway there's a war going on and
there's a proclamation made
that one man from every family needs to
join the
um the army more or less yeah
but mulan doesn't want her dad to go for
obvious reasons
well he's handicapped plus he's older
and incapable but the
so she decides she's going to go in his
place so she takes the proclamation
she goes pretends to be a boy like binds
her chest
puts her hair out and fights in the war
she it culminates with her sort of like
saving her
battalion or whatever you call it but
then she reveals herself to be a woman
or a young lady and they say that she's
disgraced
and they like kick her out of the army
she's exiled she's exiled and told that
if she shows her face again then they'll
kill her she'll be killed
but then what happens is she ends up
saving the emperor so then there's
this is where divorce is from the
cartoon a little bit because she has the
interaction with
uh gong lee's witch uh who tries to you
know bring her to the dark side per se
but also kind of gives her information
uh
that alerts that the emperor is in
danger so she finds herself
in the emperor's presence during this
whatever situation where he's in danger
and she saves him
right more or less yeah we collapsed a
few things but yeah
that's fine so
the emperor honors her with like the
highest honor
and like welcomes her back to the um the
army
but she says no she needs to go back
home
and sort of like help her family regain
honor
right the end once she returns
are immediately welcoming to her and her
father tells her it's
you know an honor to have her as a
daughter yeah all right
how where do you want to begin what did
you like about this film
uh so i had never seen the cartoon
because i was uh like 20 when it came
out
and i was in eighth grade so i was not
interested in cartoons
at that point so i watched the cartoon
two days ago
yeah we did we did um i didn't like the
cartoon
what i liked about the cartoon was the
dragon who's voiced by eddie murphy
yes he which he steals the show he
steals the show although
eddie murphy has no business being in a
uh film a chinese cartoon but um
but for whatever reason yeah he is the
standout
the cartoon is less than 90 minutes so
that worked well for me
this film is over 90 minutes it's about
an hour 45
before the credits start to roll yeah
but the point is i don't think i liked
anything about this movie
nothing what do you like about it um
i thought that some of the action
sequences were well choreographed
um i you know it
it gets it starts to look a little like
crouch entire
hidden dragon because it it adopts the
same uh
wushu performance choreography of the
fighting
um which also gives it uh a
fantastical element which works well
if you're doing an odd duck like this
which is a pg-13
disney film that is about war and people
killing each other but
it doesn't very fantastic but you can't
really see it because this is for
families
um that said yeah i i liked uh that well
enough uh the newcomer
leo leo yfay is the girl is
mulan okay
i guess i really have nothing else
entirely positive to say everything
everything that i could
say that's nice has a caveat so i have a
few notes i'll just go down them quickly
i knew i was in trouble when everyone
spoke english
also the opening scene when we're
introduced to mulan she's kind of like
it's meant to show her being mischievous
so she's running around she ends up on
the roof of a structure
and then slides off but the way she
secures herself is very sort of like
slap sticky
so the tone felt i mean it's the opening
scene so i'm thinking oh this is going
to be sort of like a jovial
jaunt like the cartoon
what do you think of the card their
cartoon if you think about it because in
the cartoon they're battling the huns
uh uh led by a character that looks like
a
zombie ogre or orc uh with predator eyes
uh voiced by miguel ferreira uh and here
it's
uh the the northern invaders are a group
of
men led light led by boykua
uh boycon i keep thinking
boricua who's played by jason scott lee
who
uh has portrayed bruce lee in a film uh
there is a personal beef going on
because
the emperor played by jet li in old man
makeup
had defeated vori khan's father in some
past skirmish so he's gathered all of
these
factions uh that to invade
northern china and called shadowhunters
because there's
uh he he's also aided by a witch played
by gong lee
um okay
i don't know how we got there but i was
saying that mulan falling off the roof i
thought that scene
was not well done kitschy
yeah so that was that set the mood like
everyone's speaking english
there's this opening scene that's kind
of what what is the word you used
kitschy
okay what does that mean like uh
it's it felt a little janky to me i
don't know it it's it's
silly it's meant to um invoke a certain
feeling
that doesn't work for me
well it doesn't work for me so like you
said
uh in this live-action version there's a
witch
i know the witch is portrayed by a very
famous chinese actor
but when i see a witch i want her to be
like
fabulous like an angelina jolie or i
want her to look like a witch like meryl
streep into the woods
but this lady just like a regular like
middle-aged lady
with um uh bjork makeup wow i don't
think she's that interesting she just
has like a strip of like
like a super dark shadowy eye is what
she has
catherine's eating so uh she reminded me
of it reminded me of a kind of thankless
role that monica bellucci gets
shoehorned into a bit
it does feel like she didn't have much
to do so
we have this new character but then we
don't have because
the humor and the comedy in this version
of the film is
not really present so we don't have the
dragon
even with the chancellor uh played by
nelson lee in this who is voiced by
um the fabulous james hong in the
cartoon version
who's kind of this bitchy overly
flamboyant character
uh really doesn't even register
well i was going to say the dragon's
missing but we have
a like a big-ass peacock looking bird
which is supposed to be a feminist
who doesn't do anything except
periodically we sort of see it fly in
the sky well it's the family emblem that
her father gave her and it's supposed to
be obviously symbolic about
mulan is that you know uh burned this
identity she's hiding behind
uh and rises from the ashes per se
the commander so at a point mulan wants
to
after she meets the witch i think she
wants to tell the commander her truth
so she goes into his little tent office
to tell him i'm a man
or i'm not a man basically but he
interrupts her and says oh you're afraid
and that's good because if you didn't
have fear then blah blah blah
blah so then before she can even like
get her words out he says you know what
because you're such a like noble person
when this is all over i want to
introduce you to my daughter so you can
marry her
which i thought was so ridiculous also
probably the biggest issue or the most
distracting component of this film
compared to the cartoon is mulan looks
like a girl
compared to all of the other people in
the army that is
not a man maury and in the cartoon you
can hide it right because all the
cartoons have the same skin tone it just
looks like a little like a smaller
version of everyone else
but in this movie that is a lady that is
a young lady
it is hard to uh get over that uh
obviousness you said something funny
while we were watching it that i wrote
down
one of the the witch tells mulan because
mulan confronts the witch like in battle
and tries to defeat her but she's not
successful but the witch
no like knows that mulan is being
deceitful
so the witch says your deceit poisons
your chi and i said just like they and
you said and
much like speaking in english poisons
this film
this one was cheating yeah i thought
that was funny
um so the
sort of the cult like the big climax
battle scene
with the two armies
the well because they kidnapped the the
they're trying to
they abduct the emperor they talk about
the avalanche part
oh they're out okay that's not the end
but no but this is like the big battle
between the two
armies which there are things i liked
about that scene i like
the witch scatters herself into crows
and attacks them so they are forced to
shield themselves which
gets them all in one place so they can
um
right so it causes all of the people on
the
the mulan side to like use their shields
to make like these
domes but then the opposing side has
like these huge boulders that they set
on fire
and shoot so they're successful in like
because it looks like there are like
maybe six um
like cohorts of these domes but part of
my issue with that scene is it and with
the bulk of the film is it feels very
small which is my complaint with the
lion king live action remake
it just felt very small which in lion
king fine
but in this film it just is like these
don't seem like epic battles
but when we realized that there are
several groups of these domes that's
when i realized like oh there are a lot
of people fighting right now
and then mulan has the idea that she's
going to stop it by creating an
avalanche and from our perspective she's
very far away from that mountain
but this bitch jumps on a horse and gets
up there lickety-split
she causes an avalanche it rains down on
everyone so the opposing team some of
her people
so i thought like that you said there
are parts that you liked i
didn't like how that went down i thought
her on that horse like
that party does not work for me it seems
it's just so light because she saves her
love interest huang hui well he's not
her love interest kind of
like there's there's not like the
cartoon not like the cartoon but it's
clear it's meant to us that there's
supposed to be
an attraction between them played by
yosan on
uh she it shows her scooping him
up on the horse much as in the cartoon
but it's
um you don't really
see it it's not very clear in the camera
work there
there could be a drinking game for every
time
a character in this film says the word
disgrace yeah
like it is just like that's the theme of
the movie i think as you were saying
that that was
at the next line and literally as soon
as i finished saying what we're watching
is someone says disgraced again
um oh can we go back to the um
love interest part with huang hui uh i
think in the live action version a
reason
that they um glossed over that
is to avoid any kind of homoeroticism
as two people dressed like men sharing
an attraction
which is funny you say that because my
next note is i really thought there was
going to be some lesbian action between
mulan and the witch oh i would
but yeah no no no not with disney um
also there's some because also for the
chinese market i think that wouldn't
work
well we can get into that later because
but um i have a note that i know you
told me but i forgot that i have hashtag
i'm with her
yeah what is that about because after
she uh absconds from
the witch denying her offer to join her
she
races on her horse to um go back to her
battalion that just told her they'd kill
her
if she doesn't uh if she ever comes back
oh they'll support her no in this
the sergeant chang is she's like you
have to say the emperor this is their
plan they're doing this remember she's
like this yeah yes and then
uh huang wish uh stands up for her and
then all the rest of them including
including cricket the personification of
that little
cartoon it's the dumpy one that's also
befriends her they all stand up to like
yeah yeah and i'm like oh i'm with her
because that's what it felt like those
are all the notes i had i
again did not care for this film i don't
understand the tone
i mean it seems like this film you know
it's pg-13
i don't know who the audience is i
cannot picture
certainly anyone under 13 watching this
film and enjoying it
and then for someone who is above 13
like a teenager
the action is not sufficient for these
badass teenagers like they want to see
also if you think about all the marvel
films that are also pg-13 the action in
those films are much more exhilarating
more violent well i remember awesome
also bloodless i'm not saying that i
enjoyed them
right but more than this film
i just was nodding i had the hardest
time staying
i think the the outcome of mulan both
the cartoon and
this live action version either which i
particularly cared for
is the meaning that it has for a young
girl to see
i i think there there is meaning and
importance and these existing
but um it's it's a very at a very
adolescent level what is the word i
learned today
failed t failed yeah f-e-a-l-t-y
so i guess that's the like the message
behind this film yeah that she is
her allegiance to her family is but it
doesn't make sense to me because
everything is about honor and disgrace
and the fact that mulan let her dad stay
in the village like a chump
because everyone knows that he's the
only man in the family he's not there
and your daughter's missing it that
causes more
right but it's it's a self-sacrifice
tale that
reads like propaganda and one with a
happy ending tact on it for
when i think of every other disney film
the message is so much more clear and
universal
especially when i think about like in
the sort of uh
portfolio of disney films and this need
to sort of diversify
and that's how we got pocahontas and
this film
and princess and the frog and coco it
just seems like
they could have done they could have
done better with the cartoon because the
cartoon
i could go on about with like a lot of
the sort of sexist
homophobic transphobic which i know back
then was not a thing
but it's when you think about all the
other disney films and how classic and
timeless they are
the cartoon mulan feels dated it does
live action film feels late delayed
tired through
who's going to watch this movie i'm sure
it's going to be a big hit y'all are
going to spend a little 30 dollars on it
i'm sure we'll too it is you know
at its core an interesting concept of of
women
that despite the odds and how we play
with gender roles and norms i think
those
the package of it there there are people
that sounds good but that this film's
not doing that
no but as a historical
folk glory figure uh i think mulan holds
um a fascination that maybe doesn't
equal but come close to that of like
jonah bar
oh there's no music there's no singing
yes there's no singing
but it's it's also why we don't have a
joan of arc cartoon i think because you
can't get the
past that she was burned at the stage um
another movie that i would point to that
showcases
uh the realities of a woman having to
masquerade as a man
in a misogynistic uh patriarchal society
uh is a 2003 film from afghanistan
called osama
directed by sadiq barmack about a young
girl who has to fend for her family
uh but women aren't allowed to do that
so she thinks the audience from mulan
would watch osama
i don't i'm just you can lead a horse to
water uh
the script this was originally announced
as a project back in 2010
and i'm not sure but i think um the
previous script was elizabeth martin and
lauren heineck maybe
uh rick jeff and amanda silver i guess
the top credit i think
maybe did the re cash you know uh
well-versed
screenwriters i i just think that this
really would have benefited from
i i like that the principles are notable
um
chinese and hong kong uh stars like
donnie yen who has nothing to do as
commander tongue
uh gently who has nothing to do as the
emperor i appreciate that
uh but but i think that this could have
been enriched with
um more of a chinese slant at least the
the language uh yeah nikki carro i
i think is a director that i like for
the most part i had the misfortune of
the first film i watched by her was a
2009 film called the vintner's luck when
i saw that tiff
and it was renamed as a heavenly vintage
which i hated
she's of course known for her sophomore
film breakout whale rider
which has a lot of similarities with the
um
the trajectory of mulan if she did far
north with charlize thrawn
set in minnesota um the zookeeper's wife
with jessica chastain
also a film that shouldn't have been in
english because it said in poland uh but
jessica chastain does such a good job
with that polish accent that you might
you buy into it and they're at that zoo
that we were at
um and just to give nikki caro a little
credit i think this is a big deal that
she did helm this film it just i think
that
when you are at uh beholden to a film
studio
your control is limited
wikipedia says the budget was 200
million i want to know where all the
money went
um it was shot by mandy walker
australian dp uh who shot baslerman's
australia hidden figures
a lot of this seems yeah like kind of
green screeny maybe but uh
we could be done it doesn't look
terrible it just doesn't look what
like what you'd expect i don't know i
feel i don't know i don't know why i
didn't like the cartoon but i feel
i'm not trying to disparage the film
unnecessarily i just
thought it was really dull what would
you give this film one and a half out of
five stars
i would give it two out of five i mean
it was at least as
i probably had a better time watching
this than bill and teddy beats the music
but
is that it yeah that's it all right
[Music]
you

yeah i was excited about mulan i saw the
trailer it looked epic
it looked like it was gonna be different
from the
animated film so not a complete remake
uh but still a remake uh but in the end
after seeing it
it was not as swift as the coursing
river
and it did not have the strength of a
raging fire
nerd reactor roll out
so yeah disney has been tapping into a
lot of its animated
classics and turning it into live-action
remakes and we've had
movies like the lion king aladdin
beauty and the beast they're not going
to slow down with this because these
movies
are making them a lot of money and those
movies that i've mentioned
each have grossed over a billion dollars
so why would they stop they're going to
keep making this they're going to keep
milking this
because the next one we're going to have
we're going to have the little mermaid
so now mulan that's the one we're having
uh
this this month it's gonna be available
on disney plus for a fee
and you know people were upset about it
but then
disney reveal you know later in december
it's gonna be
available to all disney plus subscribers
so that's a good thing after watching
this movie
i don't really care it's like it's
okay let's let's pretend like the mulan
animated film
wasn't in existence the movie still
fails because
it's got pacing issues it has
no proper build up of character so
you're not invested in characters you
don't care
about anything that's happening and
some of the uh the acting could be
better and let's say if we were to
compare it to the animated classic
this movie is missing a lot of heart
like in the cartoon
there's a lot of heart there's a lot of
charm a lot of comedy
and this one fails at
just giving us anything to feel for
these characters
where it's kind of a big deal back then
to have
a woman join the army to become a
soldier and so wait with this one we
have a yi fei lu
she has big shoes to fill to play
mulan and sadly
she does not quite reach that level to
portray a
character like a legendary hero so with
louis mulan
she's not as endearing or as charming as
ming-na's version
and she felt she feels pretty one note
like it feels like she's just got one
face
and what's funny is that in the movie to
actually make
fun of how she has just one face like
there
there's gonna be different demographics
certain people was gonna watch it
they're like okay it feels the
quote of like okay i like my kick-ass
hero
doing kick-ass things but for me she i
don't feel like she
did kick ass because when you watch
other characters actors like dunny and
you watch them perform like okay that
guy kicks ass he's he's a martial artist
and he looks legit on the screen the
supporting cast feels wasted
like the there's a trio the
comedy trio that was in the cartoon and
they kind of have that here
they never really have their moment that
really captures you and i think it's
just
because of the script and these
actors didn't have enough to work with
from what they have the main issue i
have with mulan is the build
for the character motivations like mulan
she's fighting in the army to fight
against the northern invaders
and it's a big leap it's a big leap for
a woman to join the army like this is a
huge thing
like she she as a woman you can't join
the army so she has to
pretend to be a dude to join the army
and that moment where she's doing that
there's no
epicness there's no dramatic scenes
involving that uh she just does it like
she's there's there's poorest part
you know look uh my dad he's kind of
weak
i don't want him to join the army i'll
take over because i'm younger
and i'm capable and i want to take care
of my dad
and here like you know it's still there
but you don't feel it
you don't feel that emotional impact
that connection
uh like you do in the uh animated film
like there's a moment where
the dad there's a dad is talking to
mulan
and you feel that you know he cares
about her here
there's none of that like you never
really felt the connection between the
father and the daughter
the moment where you know she decides to
join there is
no transformation
scene that you're like this is cool she
just dresses up
and then she just goes i'm like that's
it
there's no buildup to this there's like
no build up the movie has a lot of
pacing issues
and i can mention a lot of things but
one scene
i'm trying to be vague about this
there's like a fight scene a battle
sequence where she's charging against
the enemy
they're building that up and all of a
sudden she's somewhere else
she's already there behind enemy line
and you're looking
what just happened just it's like the
editor
wasn't there like he the editor fell
asleep on the job
it was just a weird scene like you when
you watch that moment you'll be like
this is terrible mushu is a fan favorite
character he's not in this movie
i was okay with that because the
filmmakers are trying to
make it more like the i guess the
folktale
this one you're using a phoenix whatever
it's fine the problem is
the phoenix is pointless there is no
point
whatsoever with them adding the phoenix
if it's just going to be useless and you
might as well just have
no phoenix or maybe just add a little
dragon here somewhere like a little
easter egg the purpose of this phoenix
is just to be a visual metaphor for
mulan's
determination of just fighting the good
fight
that's all it is and so it's
i just want to say this just so that
when you're watching the movie
you'll be like wow that's it
that's all it is and i do want to talk
about how like the movie
is lacking in that scope or epicness
like you have these battles
you have mulan fighting and you have the
army
fighting another army but it never feels
grand it never feels
like big in scope like the animated film
you watch it's like this is big
but here it's very lacking but you know
the film is pg-13 so there are
shots where you see people getting
killed and bow and arrows
archery and all that arrows going going
to the body so
i was like wow this is uh this is the
most hardcore
live-action remake for disney film it
also has
some uh like blurry nudity like mulan
taking a shower like if you've seen the
cartoon she showers and then the guys
are like showering
or taking a bath with her in the in the
lake area
but here it's not done to comedic
effects so it kind of feels like
kind of invasive so it's like oh this is
i don't like the scene
but then and then it's kind of it's kind
of hard to pull off because it's like a
live action
moment compared to an animated one where
you could just make it funny
and make it cartoony and it'll be fine
jetley and donnie and like when they're
fighting you know donnie when he fights
is great like
just watch the movie to watch donny and
fight
gently also has his time to shine too
and
gently like i haven't seen his recent
stuff yet but
i'm not sure if it's his voice but it
sounds like his voice is dubbed
by another actor it's deeper and i don't
really hear that jet li
accent that jetly voice it sounds like
someone else
and whenever he talks it just feels
weird like why what happened
it's so deep so different so it kind of
takes me out of it just because
uh you know i've seen i've seen his
other previous stuff
and uh maybe maybe uh he changed his
voice i don't know
but it's just something noticeable chi
you know chi
is a thing here and star wars the force
is inspired by chi and so it looks like
mulan the filmmakers is trying to make
the qi
the force and making it like
midichlorians
where anakin is so good because he has a
high amount of midichlorians and here
mulan is so good because she has a high
amount of chi
and i'm like uh she should just be
using it training it and becoming a
better person because it's all around us
and now it's just with mulan
she has a high amount so she just she
can just pull off
all these amazing feasts just because
instead of
dedication and a lot of work a lot of
hard work
she does still train don't get me wrong
she trains a lot
but then there's that notion where she's
she is just the top person because of
her chi powers but yeah overall
mulan suffered from pacing issues and
not once did i ever feel invested in the
characters
the film features battles with these
chinese armies and the northern invaders
but they never really felt epic
and the the highlights were definitely
you know dany and kicking ass
and the music nod where you do hear some
of the music from mulan
like i'm just surprised by just the
violence in this for
a live-action remake a disney
live-action remix it's pg-13
so i was like okay disney is stepping it
up because they're
doing things where i'm shocked that they
were able to pull off in this movie
we're like wow
is this is this a disney movie and
but yeah other than that you know
mulan does not get down to business and
that makes me really sad
so those are my thoughts let me know
what your thoughts are on mulan
on the comments below with that said i'm
john and i'll see you guys next time
you

Slant Magazine

Sam C. Mac

Walt Disney’s Mulan remake perfunctorily recycles the worst aspects of the 1998 animated version and roundly fails to convincingly execute the few deviations that it does attempt. Full Review

Vanity Fair

Richard Lawson

Mulan is not awful. It’s just inert, a lifeless bit of product that will probably neither satisfy die-hards nor enrapture an entire new generation of fans. Full Review

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Release
Date
Title Inf. Adj. Domestic Box Office
1965 Thunderball $573,659,406
1964 Goldfinger $500,560,210
2012 Skyfall $348,151,094
1967 You Only Live Twice $327,200,827
1979 Moonraker $255,152,588
2002 Die Another Day $251,944,803
1997 Tomorrow Never Dies $247,306,528
1964 From Russia With Love $242,933,327
1971 Diamonds Are Forever $241,829,086
2006 Casino Royale $231,864,714
1999 The World is Not Enough $226,691,846
1995 Goldeneye $222,467,730
2015 Spectre $216,131,343
2008 Quantum of Solace $214,757,090
1983 Octopussy $196,371,106
1977 The Spy Who Loved Me $191,187,443
1973 Live and Let Die $182,200,000
1981 For Your Eyes Only $179,578,415
1967 Casino Royale $172,670,311
1963 Dr. No $172,200,809
1983 Never Say Never Again $160,138,723
1969 On Her Majesty's Secret Ser… $146,273,239
1985 A View to a Kill $129,151,468
1987 The Living Daylights $119,257,115
1974 The Man with the Golden Gun $102,304,808
1989 Licence to Kill $79,151,998

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so I think it's fair to say that this
world of ours is going through some
turbulent times right now bad things
have been happening and emotions are
running high and as always there's
people waiting in the wings looking for
their chance to exploit the situation to
advance their own cause people who treat
disagreement and differing perspectives
as obstacles to be ruthlessly bulldozed
and shamed into oblivion rather than the
basis for a civilized conversation pair
this with spineless media companies who
care only about turning a profit willing
to bend over backwards and compromise
the silent majority in order to appease
the vocal minority and you gets well
exactly what's been happening over the
past week or so the editing censoring an
outright removal of movies books and TV
shows which although perfectly
acceptable when they were made are now
considered problematic because they
don't measure up to the high standards
we've set today because you know clearly
a movie made 81 years ago set during the
Civil War should absolutely conform to
our present-day cultural norms it just
makes sense
a beloved TV show that uses
controversial language in some of his
jokes
clearly that needs to go a 3-second
movie clip that shows a glimpse of a
woman's bare arse yep that's right for a
high-quality edits really there's no
limit to all the nips and tucks you can
do almost without anyone noticing
but here's the slight problem with all
of this slowly but surely it's
diminishing who we are see every single
piece of entertainment we consume from
the humblest amateur movie to the
grandest blockbuster is a unique and
special piece of Arts it may not appeal
to all sensibilities or represent the
pinnacle of its genre but its art all
the same it exists because it can not
because it must it exists because we
chose to make it so people exercise
their imagination
their creativity and their ingenuity to
turn a simple idea into a reality and
that is something to be treasured see
art is what makes us who we are from the
first time we learn to use tools we've
been driven to express ideas that
transcend the limitations of our
existence
we've been compelled to create things
that will outlast our short lives to
tell stories that enthrall and captivate
people long after we've lived and died
our art is an expression not just of who
we are but of who we were and who we
might be the good and the bad it allows
us to explore our highest aspirations
and our deepest fears the power of our
compassion and kindness and the darkness
of our cruelty and hatreds it can thrill
us with stories of courage and
determination adventure and excitements
or vengeance and anger it can impart
wisdom and knowledge stir our Wonder and
imagination carry us to far-off worlds
and different cultures it can show us
the strength of love and friendship or
the dangers of anger and conflicts they
can give us daring heroes and terrifying
villains it can make us laugh and it can
make us cry it can show us the best and
the worst of humanity or even challenge
what it means to be human they can do
all these things and be all of these
things for one reason and one reason
only because it's free
it's free to be bold and creative
inspiring and frightening challenging
and thought-provoking it can dare to be
provocative and controversial because
all of those things are what make life
worth living but if we're not careful it
won't stay that way already we're seeing
the insidious changes being made to the
entertainment the art that we consume
the blindness the laziness the pandering
and the politics slowly leeching the fun
ambition and individuality of everything
all in a relentless crusade to avoid
offending people and it's not just the
art that we produce now which is being
compromised
these same voices are calling with
increasing volume and decreasing
patience to alter the things that have
already been created
instead of being preserved and respected
they're being altered and removed it'll
start with little things of course a
clip seen here a minor edit there a
change of dialogue or an altered meaning
but drinker you suave connoisseur of
culture I hear you say it's not that
much to ask is it you're making a big
deal out of nothing
if a piece of entertainment causes
offence to people today why not switch
it a little so that everyone can enjoy
it
well my shockingly naive friend that's
where it may start but that's not where
it all ends slowly but surely the
changes will spread and grow they'll get
bigger and more severe and you'll keep
trying to appease them the offended
voices will grow louder and more
strident and still you'll try to appease
them until eventually they'll demand
something that you won't give up but by
then it'll be too late
they'll have been appeased too many
times they'll have grown too bold and
too loud to be silenced they'll have
perfected the weaponry of social media
shaming to target and destroy anyone who
disagrees and by that point the
companies who own the rights to our Arts
the keys to our entertainment will be
too afraid to do anything except
capitulates
and what's will be left when it's all
over a cold sterile censored soulless
world's a world where creativity
imagination and free expression are
forbidden so as not to risk offending
someone a world constrained by fear and
shame instead of driven by curiosity and
inspiration what it doesn't have to be
that way our art is who we are who we
were who we could be it's our
aspirations our fears and our legacy
it's the best and worst facets of our
nature and every time we chip away at it
censor it alter its or remove its we
lose another little piece of ourselves
our culture becomes depleted not
enriched we become a little more timid
and fearful instead of bolder and more
confident we learn to obey and conform
instead of question and challenge and we
disrespect the work and the legacy of
previous generations for all their vices
and virtues their strengths and failings
their triumphs and failures they too are
a part of us and they like us should
never be compromised with thoughts in
minds I'm going to leave you with some
words from a wiser and smarter man than
I could ever hope
wordsmiths i think should be a lesson to
us all but the first link chain is
forthe first speech censured the first
thought forbidden first freedom denied
chains us all irrevocably first time any
man's freedom is trodden on were all
damaged anyway
the saw I've got for today go away no

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hey folks David Stewart here the other
day when I was reviewing Avengers
infinity war throughout the main villain
Thanos was basing his motivations and
goals on an economic fallacy regarding
overpopulation and I've been asked to
expand upon that and I would like to
today there's actually six fallacies
that underpin both his assumptions about
what he needs to do as well as his
prescriptions his solution for
overpopulation and but before I get to
those I have to kind of dig into some of
the underpinnings and give a little bit
of background into some of these ideas
regarding overpopulation and before I do
that I also want to articulate that it's
a little bit disturbing to me the number
of people who found Thanos to be a noble
character as a result of his motivations
obviously not knowing about the false
economics that underpin it but also
found his solution to be somehow
important or Noble or convincing that is
a little bit disturbing to me and kind
of indicative of some of the ethical
problems in our modern society that you
find the idea of wiping out half the
universe which is his goal to be
something that it would be an actual
solution to any particular problem now I
should also mention before I dig into
this that in the comics his motivation
was not to prevent overpopulation but
rather to impress some manifestation of
death itself some mistress of death that
he was in love with which is a little
bit more psychotic and weird or
motivation than some kind of quote noble
motivation to prevent the suffering of
starvation that overpopulation causes
now before I dig into these six
fallacies let me give you some
background with Thomas Robert Malthus
who was a English economist and
philosopher who lived about 200 years
ago he lived in the late 1700s and first
part of the 1800s and did a lot of work
regarding populations he was very
fascinated with how populations grew
what limited their growth and their
relationship to resources it's primarily
an economist and what he did is he
applied a type of ecological theory to
people which is that he noticed that
populations can grow what he called
geometrically meaning they double or you
know times two times two times do they
multiply whereas food supplies grow
arithmetic
meaning two plus two plus two plus two
and so very quickly the amount of people
that are being born shoots up and
overpasses the amount of food that's
being produced and people called this
the Malthusian trap and it's it's really
from biology so if you imagine you have
a bunch of rabbits and they eat grass
they're gonna produce enough rabbits
until there's no more grass to eat then
the rabbits starve then because there's
less rabbits the grass grows back which
lets them make more rabbits so if you
have a what's called a carrying capacity
you kind of go up and over it up and
over it and I first read Thomas Malthus
and experience this actually as part of
biology class an environmental science
class way back in high school and my
teacher was very fascinated with his
ideas and general ideas about population
growth and and how you solve the problem
of finite resources and infinite wants
and needs the essential problem of
economics and so that's how I
encountered him and I think his theories
are a little bit misunderstood that's
the core component is that you have
arithmetic growth of food but you have
very very quick growth of population and
what he was fascinated with was how do
people reacting to this reality these
limitations change their behavior to
avoid starvation and now parts often
forgotten and instead they look at this
what they call the Malthusian trap of
starvation and people extrapolate to it
that there's an an overpopulation
problem in the world or that you're
approaching some point where
overpopulation will cause everybody to
starve and that's not really what
Malthus was interested in he was more
interested in how incentives worked
regarding these limitations and how
people responded those limitations prior
to there being some sort of starvation
type event so with that in mind let me
get into some of the fallacies the first
one which is kind of a fallacy on
Malthus is the assumption he had an
assumption and this is what kind of
defined his his entire work and it's not
an incorrect assumption given when he
lived in this late 1700s and what he was
observing there's an incorrect
assumption that increasing resources
creates increasing population the
population increases as a result of
there being more resources available in
reality what we've observed since that
time
and of course he didn't have the benefit
of observing 200 years of Future History
and all the wealth growth of the
Industrial Revolution what you see is
that at a certain point opposite happens
that you have so many resources people
start reproducing less and less so you
have in the first world you have a
birthrate that's not able to replace the
population you have to have a birthrate
of like to point something like two
point one to replace your population and
that's assuming like you know low infant
mortality and things like that of course
in the past people have like 20 kids but
half of them died before adulthood and
of those ten some of them would die in
adulthood so it was really important to
have a lot of kids cuz a lot of them
died in childhood now we don't have that
problem so much but there's a bunch of
different things that in first world
countries all the wealth all the excess
resources produces the less population
growth people start to reproduce less
and less and so what's interesting to me
is what what are the reasons that that
caused that and I think if Malthus were
alive today he would start probing some
of those reasons and try to figure out
how once we get to a really huge amount
of excess resources people's behavior
change changes my my personal you know
hypothesis is that the increase of
wealth is not the result of just
increasing amounts of food in other
words his focus on food was slightly
misplaced there's other resources that
control population growth as well but as
we get wealthier and wealthier what's
creating that extra wealth is more
intelligence and more knowledge and so
as the knowledge base of the population
grows and grows they have more control
over their behavior and more
understanding of how reproduction can
affect their economic futures and so
they choose to restrict their choose to
restrict their reproduction more and
more as the knowledge grows that's kind
of my hypothesis that's why you see in
the first world you have really low
population growth you have
second-generation immigrants and their
population growth tends to fall down
into the same as the natives so you know
somebody who moves from Mexico maybe
they have four or five kids they're all
kids have like one or two right they go
back to they start acting like Americans
after after a generation or two and it's
an interesting thing to observe so right
away there's a little bit of a fallacy
in that increasing resources odd
matically produces an increase in
population it does not always do that
and we can observe that with reality now
that's not to say Malthus was wrong with
all of his all of his thoughts but he
didn't have the he didn't have the
benefit to observe this amount of wealth
growth fallacy number two which is
really an important one for people to
think about now is that there's
overpopulation in the modern world
there's really not overpopulation and
overpopulation as a concept is actually
incorrect there's a carrying capacity
ecologically and you've reached the
carrying capacity and you really can't
go much over the carrying capacity
before famine sets in and going one
thing back to the increasing amount of
resources just one thing to notice and
America at least the poorer you are the
more likely you are to be obese meaning
the cheaper you know food is so cheap
that the poorest people are the are the
most sedentary and overweight people
which is a very interesting thing to
think about it's the exact opposite of
what you would think given the normal
constraints of life and food production
and those sorts of things so
overpopulation in the modern world I was
convinced of this as a young person that
there was some overpopulation issue at
least in some parts of the world like
Africa so people look at the the
grinding grinding poverty that exists in
some places in Africa
and they're like well the world is
overpopulated there needs to be less
people because there's not enough
resources that's why they're starving
when in reality they're the famine the
poverty that's being caused in Africa
probably has very little to do with the
amount of available resources that
people could exploit and more to do with
the environment that's preventing them
from accessing those resources over the
long term if you're farming in you know
Rwanda or somewhere and a warlord comes
in and steals all your food basically
all your effort was for nothing you
starve and then there's no one to
produce the food the next year which
means you have a decreasing amount of
food for the same amount of people then
it can creates famine and wipes people
out if you don't have a stable society
where people are secure and maintaining
their property for any long periods of
time you can't farm new food and that's
a lot of the problems inflicting these
really impoverished areas in Africa as
well as other social issues so I think
it's a mistake
to look at Africa as some example of
overpopulation and declare that the
world is overpopulated likewise of India
most people in India are not are not
starving some people are very
impoverished but the problem isn't that
there's not enough food it's that the
food you know of course people don't
have unlimited access to food the way
that poor people in the United States
have unlimited access to food and so you
have to think about that as as being the
economic problem rather than just
there's not enough resources so
overpopulation in regards to resources
is mostly myth in the modern world and
of course that the countries that have
the densest population like Japan also
tend to have the highest standard of
living and the longest lifespans
so the density of population doesn't
affect that either and if you look at
countries in Africa like Nigeria you're
like well there you know there's famine
in parts of Nigeria Nigeria has the has
like the the population density of
Georgia a state here in the US that's
not particularly dense it's mostly empty
space
so there's a lot of empty space in a lot
of these countries and if you go to some
sub-saharan some some sub-saharan
countries like the Sudan they're they're
very sparsely populated they're not
densely populated at all compared to
Europe and Asia the problem is not that
density of population it has to do with
how people are able to access the
resources and prosper over the long term
other environmental factors that aren't
the resources per se
next fallacy fallacy number three is
that killing half the people will
alleviate an overpopulation problem so
let's say these people are at the
carrying capacity and they are starving
and this is what Thanos wants to avoid
he wants to kill half the people in the
universe so that they don't have to
suffer with the collapse and the
starvation that's gonna happen when they
reach the carrying capacity will that
alleviate the problem the answer is No
why because population grows it grows
geometrically it grows exponentially
whereas resources don't so if you if you
have someone at the carrying capacity
you eliminate their their population by
half in 30 years they're right back at
the carrying capacity population of the
earth can double every 30 years if the
you know if the the economics of the the
planet allow it so you've you've if
people are starving and it's gonna it's
about to collapse and you reduce the
population by half
you've kicked the can down the road 30
or 40 years Thanos hasn't solved any
problem because the real problem is the
carrying capacity and the fact that
populations jump up towards that
carrying capacity not the fact that
there's just too many people in general
and in fact they might hit it even
quicker since they have all the
technology they have all the resources
available to them to very quickly
generate a lot more people to get right
back to that carrying capacity it
wouldn't solve a thing the only way you
would kick the can really far down the
road is if you eliminated like 99.9% of
people and then ever there was just a
handful of people in each geographic
area then it would take many years for
them to reproduce enough to get back to
the to the former capacity but that
doesn't still doesn't eliminate the
problem the carrying capacity you're
gonna have to kill everybody again at
some point so killing half the people
doesn't alleviate the problem and the
problem doesn't even really exist to
begin with this I established now let's
see number four is that reaching the
carrying capacity of a system will cause
total collapse and/or extinction and
Thanos chose this on his planet he
explains it to the heroes that you know
they didn't listen to him and everybody
died because of overpopulation that's
not what really happens and you can see
that with rabbits like rabbits don't go
extinct when they run out of grass to
eat yes their starvation the population
falls back down but then it stabilizes
and starts to go back up so you wouldn't
have like a massive population collapse
just because you've reached the carrying
capacity and in an ecological
equilibrium out in the environment
everything's kind of at that equilibrium
it's at that carrying capacity given
that there might be predation above
there might be limited resources below
in the food chain everything kind of
just ends up in equilibrium and doesn't
collapse the way that you would think it
would now if you were to kill all the
grass or all the plants at the bottom
then yeah there'd be a population
collapse from above but then as soon as
the grass grew back you'd have the
population start to to grow back again
and get back up to the carrying capacity
so the total collapse or extinction
thing probably wouldn't happen now
there's another part of this that's a
rather contemporary thought on
overpopulation which is that the
population of the earth
based on a finite resource that we will
run out of like oil for instance so it's
not that this thought is is wrong
necessarily but let's if you pretend
that it's right that there's all the
overpopulation or all the population is
based on our use of oil we run out of
oil what happens well the population
falls down to whatever level can be
sustained without the use of oil it
still wouldn't be an extinction-level
event it would be a major event but not
an extinction-level event it'd be a
society kind of withdrawing event in
this futuristic world that Thanos
inhabits that has a lot of access to
energy I don't really see them using an
energy source that has a specifically
finite amount and even today people talk
about green solutions in this sort of
stuff and at a certain point I expect
there to be peak oil we keep expecting
it to happen it never seems to happen
but at some point you know they'll be we
won't be able to produce as much oil as
we produce the next year or the demand
for oil will have just gone down on its
own as better technologies replace it
which i think is probably more likely
but even if even as that happens price
of oil goes up that provides an
incentive for people to come up with an
alternative energy sources and
eventually you'd have this problem where
you'd shift from this finite resource to
a different resource that's maybe
infinite or much less finite and then if
that one starts serving out you come up
with different ones so you can kick the
can down the road really a long time
when it comes to finite resources simply
because you don't have 99% capacity of a
resource and then run out on the next
day it doesn't work that way you'd have
a really slow decline in the output or
accessibility of a particular resource
which would raise the price produce
incentives to go find more of it which
would keep it more stable or produce
incentives to find alternatives to that
particular energy source so that's
something that that we can kind of see
within economics working in all sorts of
different ways with with finite
resources so the the alarmist prediction
that we're gonna run out of oil some day
and there'll be an economic collapse as
a result I think that that's I think
that's a little bit far-fetched as much
as as much as survivalism I think is a
cool concept I don't expect an economic
collapse like that to happen is
in a short amount of time doesn't mean
you shouldn't be prepared for disasters
in your area that should be like basic
basic preparation right fallacy number
six which is you must actively prevent
population growth to avoid the
Malthusian trap to avoid getting up to
the carrying capacity and having all
this starvation this fallacy is the
important one and this is a really big
mistaken belief which is that you
Malthus describes this situation and
then people go well how can we prevent
that and and he kind of sees it that way
it's like you know people won't get to
enjoy the fruits of their increased in
their increased economic activity
because they'll have you know have more
kids as a result that's not really what
happens but also that you have to
actively prevent that isn't true we've
seen that with the way the first world
works but it's been a justification for
a lot of population control and will
probably continue to try to be a
justification for population control we
see this in China that they have this
like one-child policy to try to reduce
their total population that's probably
not really necessary because if it's
expensive to raise one child most people
are not going to have more than one or
two children anyway and the people who
can afford to have more than one of two
children might be the people you want to
have more than one or two children I'm
aware it's a semi communist country at
this point but that justification is
that being be and end up being used for
anything including this set up in
infinity war where Thanos wants to
destroy half of the universe in order to
save them from the suffering of
starvation
so that justification is a dangerous one
and if you buy into this belief that
there's going to be some population
crisis or there is one now or that you
must that there must be some sort of
government intervention or third-party
intervention to prevent mindless people
from reproducing to the point where
everyone starves you're gonna create
some extremely evil situations this is
the kind of stuff that conspiracy
theorists talk about all the time is
like some directive to reduce total
world population and shift you know move
populations to different parts of the US
and put them in FEMA camps
because the world is overpopulated and
all this kind of stuff I don't really
believe in those conspiracy theories but
you know that's the justification for
them and what kind of worries means that
because then I was because they decided
this was going to be found us as noble
noble cause people see that and start to
believe that it is in fact a noble cause
and not just a poor interaction with
reality which is what it really is
that's a little bit disturbing and
worrisome to me these kinds of direct
interventions are not necessary if you
do reach caring capacity in their
starvation people adjust to it people
starving is not and this is a I guess
this is another thing I'll point out
people starving and dying it's hard for
me to say that that is somehow worse
than just killing them right that's
Thanos's justification it's like I'd
rather kill them all in an instant then
have them suffer by being hungry you
know or to say it's better for them to
be dead than for them to have an
imperfect life which is actually a lot
of justification I see I've seen
recently for abortion it's like all you
know they'll be born into somebody poor
it's like it's so it's better to be dead
than poor is that really the
justification it's better to be dead
than to have to solve a problem with
with how much people can exist it may be
I think it'd be much better to be alive
and have a little bit of suffering but
be able to have a potential solution for
everyone then in this idea of killing
half the people or that you know Santos
would have to kill people in order to
prevent overpopulation rather than use
his power to just prevent them from
reproducing so much that everything
collapses so anyway that's that's my
thoughts on those those are the six
fallacies I see kind of underpinning
that particular narrative the narrative
to me is very disturbing I wouldn't want
and I wouldn't want to pin upon the
filmmakers the idea that they think that
this is an actual solution that has to
be pursued in the world but it's
possible they think that and they just
thought it would be a noble motivation
for the villain you should not believe
that it's not a noble motivation it's in
it's a motivation from ignorance and
it's also one that's definitely evil
because it is the actions themselves
which are good and evil not the
justification when the ends justify the
means you can create any means you want
you moralize any means and you can use
them however you want if it's moral to
kill half the people in the universe to
prevent overpopulation it's moral to
kill people in the universe for any
reason that you think ends up producing
a conclusion that you find preferential
to something else so that's something
definitely to be avoided de ontology is
is the way to go not this sort of
consequentialist post hoc reasoning of
whether inaction was moral or him moral
so thanks so much for washing with that
little long diatribe I spent 20 minutes
talking about Robert Malthus but
hopefully it's been informative and
it'll make you think about it certainly
there's a there's a lot more to be said
about it than what I can say in a mere
twenty minute video but that's all that
I feel like I'm gonna be able to say
without just going off into magical lala
land and talking about other kinds of
political issues so have a good one I'll
see you guys next time don't forget to
visit my websites devious press com
where you can find links to all my books
on Amazon and other sites david viewer
comm for other kinds of content and you
can email me Stu at David V Stewart com
or find me at Twitter at David V Stewart
Gabbay I slash David V Stewart and drop
me a line let me know what you think and
I'll see you guys next time

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[Music]
hey guys this is Eckhart slaughter hello
and welcome to another Star Wars lore
episode today we look at the stupidity
of Imperial walkers first of all I have
to say one thing our Star Wars walkers
cool absolutely am I happy that walkers
are a part of the Star Wars universe
also absolutely however there's no
ignoring the serious design flaws
plaguing the Empire's walkers
specifically I've identified three
things that I'd like to talk about there
is however one thing a walker does very
well it is super intimidating if you see
a pack of 80 ATS from across the
battlefield
that's pure fear and a tangible
psychological effect and my first point
actually ties into this walkers do not
have enough guns they talk the talk with
their appearance but don't walk the walk
80 80s for example are drastically under
armed for their size with most only
having four weapons and only laser
cannons
this means they lack the necessary
firepower to be truly effective frontal
assault vehicles both in power and
especially flexibility most of the
walkers we see also have ton of blind
spots and struggle against fast moving
targets something made worse by the slow
lumbering nature of the beasts if I were
an engineer working for the Empire and I
knew we had to keep walkers but I wanted
to make them better I would make sure
that my larger variants like the 8080
and up were used purely for assault
rather than some weird assault transport
hybrid there's no reason why dedicated
transports even transport blockers can't
come in after a line of 80 ATS I would
then take a bunch of that interior
Walker space that's no longer being used
for storage and house extra power
generators which would provide a light
shield and energy for extra weapons
perhaps the walkers would need to be
made a little bit bigger to compensate
for this extra weight but maybe not
I would then use this extra energy for
point defense cannons on the flank and
rear of the vehicle well some would also
be given larger more powerful assault
weapons the first order is a TM six is a
good model to strive for my point is if
you want to be a terrifying symbol of
power you need to back it up with your
firepower my second point is that
there's almost always a better
alternative for every niche a walker
could fit my main problem with Walker's
is that I really see no reason why you
choose a like ground unit in most cases
the best way to for example transport
troops is through the air on Hoth for
example there's no reason why you
wouldn't use a large to medium sized
gunship or actual transports to move
troops into battle
honestly throw a few cannons on those
titan transports or the kazan t cruisers
and baby you got yourself a stew going
and again this all comes down to the
Empire's removal of specialization from
all of their assets but why would you
ever bother using an 8080 to transport
troops
it's tragically slow so tall that
disembarking troops is not easy and
super inflexible why not use something
like say the Republic juggernaut which
is nearly three times as fast larger
likely just as tough and probably more
well-armed walking things into battle
just doesn't make sense to me legs are
very vulnerable targets and taking even
one out and cripple the machine legs
also have a ton of moving parts and for
that reason walkers are likely very
maintenance intensive and for four legs
hinge jointed walkers including the 8080
lateral movement is also very difficult
again combining this with the general
preference for front facing weapons you
have a very inflexible asset having some
walkers is probably okay but in my
opinion traditional tanks air support
units and wheeled vehicles are
chronically underused by the Empire the
argument that I often hear is that
walkers are used where the terrain is
too complicated for wheeled vehicles to
navigate or in environments where
repulser live vehicles cannot be used
now I think the second one has some
merit but I don't know about the first
for one I'm not really sure that there
are many environments that's something
like a juggernaut would find more
difficult to navigate than an 80-84 to
this description of a specialized Walker
doesn't really match the practical use
of the vehicles which are basically
employed on all terrains as a main
battle
and for three you could easily use
repulsors to replace the wheels of Tanks
which is something the Empire did in
canon with the occupier line depending
on the terrain there is supposedly
something called a repulsor lift jammer
which can stop repulsor lift vehicles
from working but frankly I don't buy
that that was any sort of common
technology as we see in the latest thron
novel starships used repulsor lifts when
flying in atmosphere and if a technology
like that was more prevalent in
atmosphere battles or battles over a
planet surface would be much much
different but even if we except for some
reason that walkers are necessary
there's still a huge step back from
those used by the Republic which is my
third point that I'd like to talk about
that's not saying that we're public
walkers didn't have issues for example
there's the ATO t1 it put a roof on it
but republic walkers were more
specialized with actual fast moving
recon transports late assault walkers
artillery heavy assault walkers and even
transport walkers vampire took these
dozen or so models and seemingly put
them into two or three we have the ATS T
which because of its use is both a scout
Walker and a battle Walker performs both
roles poorly rather being fast or well
armored enough to do any job
particularly well the 8080 tries to be
more of a transport Walker which as I
discussed
gimps it in other areas the Republic's
ATT II on the other hand was low to the
ground with more legs and stability more
varied weaponry and faster movement is a
much better frontline assault Walker
because it is more specialized do you
want something that's scarier fine scale
that up but keep everything else around
to over hybridization and a lack of
specialization is an issue the Empire
grappled with throughout its reign
likely due to the need to mass-produce
assets in an effort to meet the needs of
a very large galaxy but I don't think
that's an excuse and to me Imperial
walkers just don't
make a whole lot of sense what do you
think of the issues I brought up and
these are just some of the reasons why
Imperial Walker's aren't that great and
that's saying nothing about the fact
that they can be taken down by logs
glorified repurposed forklifts or just a
single well-placed mind there's also the
fact that the flaws within the Imperial
8080 were covered up by many within the
Empire but as I said let me know if you
guys think down in the comments thanks
so much for watching this video and I'll
see you guys soon until next time may
the force be with you
[Music]

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[Music]
starwars ships draw very clear
inspiration from 20th century naval
battles big ships with big guns fire on
each other more or less sitting in the
same place while launching fast in
deadly snub fighters for better or worse
these stylistic choices have resulted in
starship designs which to be completely
honest often don't make a whole lot of
sense now personally I think that's fine
in that Star Wars should continue to
focus on cool but I've nonetheless
identified five common capital ship
design features which really do not make
any sense now I won't be forcing
real-world physics into Star Wars or
anything like that and will instead be
looking at things from an in-universe
logical perspective the first and
perhaps most obvious issue with Star
Wars capital ships is the prominence of
overexposed weak points the best example
of this is the Star Destroyer line which
is fraught with over exposed bridges
shield bulbs and sensor equipment
sitting right in the open and just
generally putting everything important
on a pedestal which the rebel lines can
easily destroy I mean I can understand
why some of this technology needs to be
on the outside of the ship that makes
some sense but why put it in a spot not
protected by turbo lasers or laser
cannons the vital parts of the ship
should be in the most well-protected
most sturdy area possible regarding
bridge design specifically I see no
reason why the bridge needs to be high
up on the ship I'll talk more about this
later but again it's basically a giant
arrow telling the Rebel Alliance or
really any faction to shoot right at
that spot but of course it's not only
the Star Destroyer line which suffers
from poor over exposed weak spots the
Nebulon B for example is essentially two
modules connected by a very skinny
bridge this was a noted weak point of
the ship and I see no reason why you
wouldn't just remove it entirely we see
similar issues to varying degrees in the
Providence Cruiser which has an
overexposed sensor array the acclimate
ER and the Venator and even to a degree
the Mon Cala cruisers plus I'm sure
dozens if not hundreds of other ships I
just don't see a reason why anything
ever needs to be on the top of
the tower or why anything sensitive
would not be protected by as much armor
and firepower as possible but let's move
on my next point that I want to complain
about is weapon placement with one thing
in particular ships in the Star Wars
universe are always shown oriented in
the same direction
practically there's no need for this
it's not like space has an up-or-down
but even if we ignore this and there's
some great cosmic force which makes
ships fly with the same orientation
why do starships almost never has
significant weaponry on their ventral
side even if ships maintain the same
orientation there's no reason why they
can't go quote-unquote under each other
but not having weaponry on the ventral
side of your ship there's a whole weak
spot which can be exploited now it's
true that Star Destroyers do have some
guns on their underbelly we somewhat see
that in the new hope and we see it
clearly in rogue one but there's clearly
far less significant weaponry there then
we look at something like the mandator 4
which is said to only have dorsal point
defense cannons if that's the case why
didn't poach just make a run against the
giant autocannon itself now I get again
this is all for stylistic reasons but
logically it doesn't make a whole lot of
sense we're not dealing with sea and
we're not dealing with a 2d fighting
landscape this is space and ships can go
whatever direction they want the
weaponry should match this I've talked
about turbolasers replacement before
specifically in my video but the
supremacy when compared to other super
star destroyers one thing that I'd also
like to mention is the fact that the
Super Star Destroyer and Star Destroyer
lines put so many of their guns in this
sort of flank trench as I call it which
really limits their zone of attack more
or less to the sides I mean maybe
they're there for better protection or
maybe there's no room elsewhere on the
ship but I always thought that it was a
little bit odd I'm not sure if having a
cruiser is so heavily designed for
broadsides really makes sense but that's
just a minor point next thing I want to
talk about is hanger management and this
is a sort of weird one and one that is
admittedly pretty nitpicky it's fairly
common that even gargantuan ships with
the carrier focus have two or perhaps
one main hangers this is a category
where the Super Star Destroyer in the
lore actually somewhat redeems itself
because it does have that one
primary hanger but several secondary
ones but this is not the case for many
ships why does this not make sense well
it's pretty simple
you've got perhaps thousands of Fighters
in your ship funneling them out through
two or even four points means that there
will be some degree of congestion in
that you won't be able to deploy your
forces as quickly as possible the
designers of the Venator seem to be
somewhat cognizant of this because they
dedicated a whole upper portion of the
ship to open up and let all of the star
fighters out at once however it's very
rare that a ship dedicates that much
space to its hangar bay as I said this
is certainly one of the less common
issues for example the Mon Calamari
cruisers at least the home one types
also handle this pretty well but I
believe fractal sponge really
illustrates what a dedicated carrier
should be expected to look like we see
his non-canon impeller class fleet
carrier with literally dozens perhaps
even a hundred hangers that to me makes
sense next up we have the issue of
windows and I know what some of you are
thinking they're not windows they're
trans parasteel they're just as strong
as the rest of the material on a
starship that's an understandable
mistake but in legends were actually
told specifically that transparently
less strong than Durasteel what's more
in Revenge of the Sith we very clearly
see grievous break the glass around the
invisible hands bridge quite easily and
I don't think you could have done the
same with the ship's hull and it's
obvious that if you're a warship you
don't actually need physical viewports
holograms will do just fine in fact the
a kilometer assault ship was notable for
not having any sort of windows or view
ports on its bridge space is big being
able to see the enemy probably won't
have any practical effect but even if
that's what you're aiming for you could
most likely simulate it with a hologram
if I was designing a Star Wars warship
on the bridge at the very least I would
remove all transparency finally we have
number five the last thing that doesn't
make sense why in the Star Wars universe
do they not more commonly use droids to
fire their weapons now you may not know
this but it's not often a computer
system which actually fires a ship's
turbolasers it's a human or at least
some sort of organic operator competency
wise droids in the Star
universe are sort of in a weird place
they have very good reaction times
obviously and can operate extremely
effectively and quickly however they
lack the real sense of creativity
present and living beings that's why I
drawed starfighters are very interesting
they'll never be able to match the pure
skill ability or experience of a living
pilot but they can react to things far
faster on the other hand something like
manning a gun relies far more on
reflexes and the ability to follow
orders less than experience and in my
mind especially when you factor in the
ability for droids to communicate with
each other
a droid gunner would be nearly always
better than a human one if the
Confederacy of Independent Systems
hadn't skimped out and use something a
bit more advanced than just basic b-1
droids on their capital ships I think
they would have had a bit more of an
edge against the Republic in space when
you put these five issues together over
exposed weak spots no guns on the bottom
of ships know using droids the presence
of Windows and the misuse of hangars I
think that you can say Star Wars capital
ships don't make a whole lot of sense
but I would just like to reiterate I
think that's totally fine if Star Wars
wants to treat their ships as basically
giant boats in space that works for me
because stylistically it looks cool and
I think that that is ultimately the most
important thing in Star Wars at least
but that is all just my opinion let me
know what you thought of this video what
you thought of the issues I pointed out
and of course what you'd like to see me
tackle next thanks as always for tuning
in guys this has been your host
eckhardt's ladder until next time may
the force be with you
[Music]

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you know 2015 really was the year when
hollywood managed to pull the wool over
our eyes
releasing big budget rehashes of old
franchises
that succeeded through a combination of
flashy visuals
fast-paced action and by being
marginally less shit than the movie that
preceded them
the force awakens managed to convince
legions of star wars fans
still jaded by the disappointing prequel
trilogy that their favorite franchise
was fresh and new and exciting again
only for its disastrous sequel to
shatter that illusion
causing people to reevaluate tfa and
realize that it was actually a steaming
pile of dog shit all along
oh jj truly we did see through your
smoking mirrors
and what we saw wasn't good but there
was another movie that pulled the exact
same trick in the same year
with equally brazen panache only to meet
the same fate as its star wars
counterparts
jurassic world was a dumbed down big
budget
cynical rehash of the 1993 classic
that succeeded through a combination of
flashy visuals
fast-paced action and by being
marginally less shit than its
predecessor
fooling fans into believing that their
tired franchise was fresh
and new and exciting again only for its
equally disastrous sequel to shatter
that illusion
causing people to see it for what it
really was and what it was
is a prime example of everything wrong
with modern hollywood
a sloppily written goofy contrived
brain dead unoriginal but superficially
entertaining copy of a far superior
movie
it's a film whose very existence pisses
me off
because i can see the exact thought
process that went into its creation
and it makes me feel kind of sick
so grab your vomit bags and allow me to
illuminate you
illuminate the movie kicks off with a
giant dinosaur rampaging through a
frozen tundra
oh wait it's just a cgi bird you really
had me going there movie
fucking genius anyway this is where we
get introduced to the two annoying kids
in this movie
because it's the jurassic park film so
naturally there has to be kids in it
remember tim
and lex from the original well these two
planks of wood are basically a discount
version
this is grey and i honestly can't make
up my mind if he's supposed to be
autistic
or if he's just a really badly written
character i mean
he seems to obsess over numbers and
facts and figures and stuff
and he looks like he gets his hair cut
like once a year
in a fucking vending machine but then it
never really goes anywhere and he's just
a normal kid for the rest of the film
so whatever meanwhile this is his big
brother zack
zack likes girls and i mean really likes
them
like he spends most of the movie giving
weird creepy sex looks to anything with
a vagina
and a pulse and even the latter isn't
strictly necessary
believe that
anyway the brothers dim are off to
jurassic world to spend time with their
aunt claire while their parents get
divorced
keep that one in mind because it will be
important later
oh wait no it won't because it has no
impact on anything that happens for the
rest of the film
and never gets resolved what's a genius
script this is
so claire is a senior manager at
jurassic world
which is now a fully functional theme
park catering to thousands of guests
every day
the writers basically took the original
park and said what would this place look
like if they actually managed to get it
open
although i really don't understand how
they managed to get insurance coverage
for a place like this
considering the number of people that
must have died from dinosaur attacks up
to this point
[Music]
but nah i'm sure this time they figured
it all out
oh movie characters when will you learn
anyway claire is an uptight
career-minded workaholic who doesn't
really have time for kids
remember alan grant from the original
movie remember how he didn't like kids
either
but his experiences of being forced to
look after them during his escape from
jurassic park eventually softened him
into a more protective
fatherly figure willing to give his life
to protect theirs
yeah so claire is basically just that
all over again
except not as likable or as interesting
but she does have boobs
lastly there's owen a laid-back
freewheeling game warden at jurassic
world
who looks after the dinosaurs and for
some reason thinks he can train raptors
to obey his commands like they're
fucking dogs or something see how this
movie cleverly subverts our expectations
by turning the previous dynamic on its
head raptors used to be the enemy
but now they're our friends
oh and owen and claire used to be a
thing apparently i don't know why
because they have nothing approaching
chemistry together but who wants to bet
they'll eventually get back together by
the end of the film
now this is all lovely but there's
trouble brewing in jurassic world
see the science guys have been
resurrecting more and more extravagant
species of dinosaurs
to drive more people to the park the
problem is they've run out of regular
old dinosaurs and decided to create
their own
super mutant hybrid thing called the
indominus rex
but i'm gonna call him super rex from
now on because i'm a dick
super rex is bigger than a regular t-rex
and it can mask its own heat signature
because that's convenient to the plots
jesus christ next thing you'll be
telling me they can turn invisible like
a fucking alien i'm just calling it now
by the way
jurassic world three is gonna have
dragons in it believe that
i literally cannot wrap my head around
the concept of this animal
like isn't the whole point of jurassic
world that people can get a chance to
see and experience animals that walk the
earth millions of years ago
why would they want to see some
horrifying mutant crossbreed that never
actually existed
ah whatever what happens next is so dumb
that i genuinely had to go away and look
it up later to make sure i wasn't
misunderstanding things
so the super rex is kept inside an
enclosure about half the size of a
football field
but the vegetation inside is so dense
that you can't actually see it
so they track it on thermal imaging
instead i think you can see where this
is going
but then it mysteriously disappears from
thermal and they spot some claw marks on
the wall and assume that it's escaped
so owen and a couple of assholes go
inside to investigate
not a great plan why are you doing this
what are you hoping to find
if it really has escaped then you're
wasting time looking in the place that
it escaped from
and if it's still there it's just gonna
spring out and fucking eat you
oh there we go the super rex was just
playing a trick on them you see
luring them in by pretending to escape
so it can break free for real
you know it really pisses me off when
scriptwriters want to portray animals as
being cunning and
smart but they take it way too far and
give them knowledge and understanding
that they couldn't possibly have
like how the fuck does the super rex
know that it's being watched on thermal
imaging
how does it know that leaving claw marks
on the wall will cause the humans to
open up its enclosure
how would a fucking animal be able to
rationalize something like that
the raptors in the original movie were
just about capable of opening doors
and when that happened it was a holy
shit kind of moment like
whoa doors won't hold these things back
anymore which means that previously
contained raptors are probably on the
loose again
now they're so evolved that they can
apparently use complex technology
against us
jesus it's only a matter of time before
we see them shooting laser beams a laser
raptor
i thought the winning thing thousands of
years ago why is any of this nonsense
happening the original movie presented a
logical
well-explained reason why the dinosaurs
were able to break free
the humans totally had them under
control until their own technology got
undermined by a bit of corporate
espionage but they generally made good
decisions under pressure and took
logical steps to counter the threat
and restore order here though it all
hinges on some of the dumbest and most
contrived decision making that i've seen
outside of the last jedi
you know what would be really helpful in
a situation like this
some kind of tracking device so they can
bring up its exact location any time
they want
oh wait they already have that so why
aren't they using it you might ask
because the script needs the rest of the
plot to happen and a tracking device can
only be relevant later once they've
opened up the enclosure and left
themselves vulnerable
why is this movie so the super rex
escapes and attacks the brothers dim
while they're cruising around a
restricted area in a giant plastic
testicle
but fortunately they're wearing their
plot armor so they escape into the
jungle and take
shelter in an abandoned building you
know this all looks very
familiar whatsoever could it be i don't
think it's possible to show someone
actually raping a corpse on screen
in a mainstream movie these days but
this is about as close as you can get
remember jurassic park everyone remember
the visitor
sensor remember the night vision goggles
remember the jeeps
wow it's lucky they left all this
valuable equipment just lying out there
in the jungle for 20 years zay
it's even luckier that it's apparently
still fully functional
anyway the park owners suddenly remember
the tracking device
so they send an assault team to
recapture the super rex
that's when they realize it's done some
surgery on itself because
she remembered where they put it in wait
what it remembered having it implanted
like how wouldn't have been sedated
while they did this
how would it remember being unconscious
i woke up from being sedated once
and i didn't remember a thing about what
happens i did know that i was missing a
kidney though
also how would a dinosaur even
understand the significance of this
device
like are dinosaurs somehow capable of
rationalizing gps tracking now
jesus this thing's more tech savvy than
my fucking dad
needless to say the ambush doesn't go
well and when the park owner gets in a
chopper to hunt the super rex himself
even though he's a barely competent
pilot who almost crashed earlier
things inexplicably get worse you see
how this entire situation is basically
an escalating series of disasters
brought about by terrible character
decisions like
literally everything they do is making
the situation worse
man i actually wanted the dinosaurs to
win they clearly deserved it more
that's when this asshole takes charge
and decides it's a good idea to use the
raptors to track and kill the super
wrecks
it's also his big chance to prove that
dinosaurs can apparently be viable
weapons for the military
imagine if we had these puppies in tora
bora what
the fuck you know what i'm not even
gonna dignify this with a response
i'm just gonna quote more on this one
and say they would be shit in a war
and wouldn't you know it using highly
dangerous and barely controllable
dinosaurs to hunt another dinosaur
that's consistently proven itself to be
more intelligent
and cunning than the humans that created
it doesn't turn out to be a winning
strategy
who knew the team gets killed and the
super rex assumes command of the raptors
because dinosaurs of completely
different species can easily communicate
with each other don't you know
that would be like saying that dogs and
cats can meaningfully interact with each
other because they're both mammals
but drink her you paleontological
prodigy i
hear you say the super rex has got
raptor dna spliced into it
so that means fuck off that's not how
dna works your
dick anyway fat military guy gets eaten
by the raptors because i guess he
deserved it but then owen makes friends
with them again
and i guess this is supposed to be a
touching scene or something like we're
supposed to feel empathy for the raptors
because the script says it's time to
like them again i'd like to remind you
that these things have literally killed
dozens of people at this point
men with families and children that will
be left devastated by their deaths
but nah don't think about that just feel
what the script tells you to feel
so then the super rex shows up and the
raptors fight to protect the humans but
then claire gets the genius idea to
release a convenient
t-rex from its enclosure so that it can
help them out
because t-rex equals nostalgia what
makes you think this animal would be
even remotely interested in fighting you
fucking idiot it could just as easily
head straight for the jungle
or team up with the super rex to kill
everyone not a great plan
but anyway the script needs a climactic
battle between the old and new dinosaurs
so they fight and the raptors help out
and get killed and then the super rex
gets eaten by a giant shark dinosaur
and everyone escapes the islands the
kids go back to their parents
traumatized by the combination of their
horrific experience
and their collapsing family home and
grow up to become emotionally stunted
sociopaths who can't find meaningful
employment or form relationships
claire realizes that she's grotesquely
unqualified to be a mother and vows
never to have children
and dies an old spinster while owen
turns to comfort eating to get over the
loss of his precious dinosaurs
what a shitty movie this was and what's
more annoying is that it seems to have
some weird reality distortion field
around it
if you ask most people about it they're
usually like yeah i thought it was
pretty good
i kind of liked it but when you asked
them what they liked specifically about
it they're like
uh jurassic world is a perfect example
of a five minute movie
when you can turn your brain off and
enjoy the pretty colors and nostalgia as
you drool into your popcorn and then
promptly forget about it five minutes
after leaving the movie theater
by the next day you're not even sure
what the fuck you watched but if you
take those five minutes and use them to
actually think about how this sticks up
against the original
you realize what a shockingly pale
unimaginative and dumbed down
turd this is in comparison the first
film was an
absolute classic that stood the test of
time it's one of the first movies i ever
saw at the cinema
and one that stayed with me even today a
perfect combination of excellent but
restrained special effects
great characters and performances
excellently paced action scenes
and smart thought-provoking ideas it
inspired a sense of wonder and
excitement
before devolving into terror and
desperation a bit like dating a really
hot girl only to find out that she's a
vegan activist
jurassic world on the other hand offers
none of these things
well apart from action i guess there's
plenty of that going around to be sure
even if it's just the same old stuff
that we've been seeing for 20 years now
the first time you saw a guy get eaten
by a t-rex or pounced on by a raptor
it was shocking and brutal now it's just
generic and pedestrian
the characters are boring simplistic and
dumb as fuck
and they have nothing even approaching
an arc claire starts out as an
emotionless corporate drone
just doing her job like she's got
nothing else in her life but it's not
like she has any big realizations or
discoveries by the end
there's a big implication that she's
become a bit more maternal and caring
but it's not really borne out by her
actions the kids pretty much rescue
themselves with no help from her
which kind of negates the point of her
character arc the movie tries to portray
owen as a man of action
who understands the danger but gets
ignored by greedy park owners and the
ambitious military guy
great except he makes consistently
stupid decisions throughout the movie
that basically caused the park to
self-destruct the movie was made during
that period when chris pratt was white
hot
and basically starred in everything and
while he does what he can to make the
character likeable
it's just not enough to overcome the
shitty script and i guess this is the
heart of the issue for me
see the original jurassic park was
actually a pretty smart movie when you
think about it
yeah there was action and dinosaurs
eating people but beneath the surface
it grappled with some really interesting
questions like the morality of
resurrecting extinct species
the implications of being able to
control genetic engineering
and mankind's misplaced faith in his
ability to overcome nature
it's the classic trope of science going
too far and man daring to play god with
disastrous consequences
the movie took time out to breathe to
establish its world
and have its characters ask interesting
questions about it but it was done in a
way that felt like a natural component
of the story
instead of some preachy moralistic
sermon awkwardly grafted on like a cheap
satellite dish on the side of a
reclaimed council house
but what questions does jurassic world
wrestle with
greedy corporations perverting and
warping something that was once great
in their relentless drive to squeeze
more money from an idea
that's already reached its natural
conclusion oh how terribly self-aware
you are
jurassic world give yourself a big old
pat on the back
but just because you're making thinly
veiled wink wink jokes about how vapid
greedy and derivative your own movie is
doesn't make it any less vapid greedy or
derivative
now you might be asking what would the
drinker have done differently
how would i have approached jurassic
world to tell a story that was just as
good as the original
the answer is i wouldn't jurassic world
is a bit like the terminator franchise
it's a great concept but you can only do
so much with it before you start
rehashing the same ideas over and over
again
and that's where we're at now with both
franchises they simply need to stop
they're proof that if you've got nothing
new and original and smart to add to an
old idea
then do the world a favor and don't
fucking add anything
um i'll tell you the problem with the
scientific power that you're that you're
using here
uh it didn't require any discipline to
attain it
you know you read what others had done
and you and you took the next step
you didn't earn the knowledge for
yourselves so you don't take any
responsibility
for it you stood on the shoulders of
geniuses
uh to accomplish something as fast as
you could and before you even knew what
you had
you you patented it and packaged it and
slapped it on a plastic lunchbox
and now you're selling it you're gonna
sell it well
anyway that's all i've got for today
go away now

Wall Street Journal

Joe Morgenstern

Mr. Pratt’s charm is no match for the crude filmmaking or the stupid plot that keeps him running around in a constant state of artificial animation. Full Review

Miami Herald

Rene Rodriguez

Jurassic World gives you exactly what Howard’s character promises at the beginning — More! Bigger! Faster! — but you know there’s something deeply wrong with a film that expects you to shed tears over digitally created prehistoric creatures and rubber brontosaurus heads instead of rooting for, you know, people.

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